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#456204 - 12/06/13 02:59 PM New to the forum- hoping for some guidance
Luademel Offline


Registered: 12/05/13
Posts: 6
Loc: nj
Hi all!

I don't even know where to start. I just found out about my husbands abuse and I feel like I can't catch my breath. The only reason he told me is because his crappy behavior had me talking about leaving him. I feel guilty because I think I forced him to come to terms with it before he was ready. I want to support him but I also want to pretend he never told me so I don't suffocate him and I don't have to think about it. I can't help but be curious of the details but I don't actually want to know the answers to my questions. I am eternally conflicted and I am not sure if this post even makes sense. I guess I am kind of hoping someone will get where I am coming from.

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#456206 - 12/06/13 03:49 PM Re: New to the forum- hoping for some guidance [Re: Luademel]
newground Offline
Chatroom Moderator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 10/11/11
Posts: 753
Loc: michigan
hi laudemel
it is just as tough to be the partner of a survivor, though in different ways. I would say what's done is done and you shouldn't worry about what may have happened up to now. I also think the take away message here is that he must love you a great deal to have broken his silence. that being said all you can do is maintain a dialogue with him assuring him of your feelings for him and that this has not changed them. this is the beginning of a real journey for the two of you in terms of your relationship. many don't make it. I think that perhaps if hubby is willing you might search together for therapy maybe one who is a specialist (though those can be hard to find)perhaps you could blaze that trail for him (it was the hardest thing I have EVER done)every person is different I don't do well with being babied, coddling makes me feel broken and I can't handle it others need that attention (I think I do too but I just can't right now.) see as survivors many times it is as confusing to us as you it often seems to make no sense and yet a survivor can feel driven by the feelings. a good T would be of help in this that is the best I have I wish you well
Jeff
_________________________
Towards thee I roll, thou all-destroying but unconquering whale; to the last I grapple with thee; from hell's heart I stab at thee; for hate's sake I spit my last breath at thee. let me then tow to pieces, while still chasing thee, thou damned whale! Thus, I give up the spear!"
Herman Melville

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#456217 - 12/06/13 04:57 PM Re: New to the forum- hoping for some guidance [Re: Luademel]
Esposa Offline
F&F Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 681
Loc: NJ
You did not force him to come to terms with something BEFORE he was ready. His realization of your unhappiness and his attributing his behavior to things he carries with him from his abuse is actually indicative of the opposite - he is ready.

Not ready is a person unwilling to accept that their behavior is hurting the people they love. You didn't force anything. Read more posts on MS and you will quickly see that nothing gets forced anyway wink

His burden has now been shared with you. What a relief for him. And of course you will stagger around for a little while as you work to put things into perspective. It's normal and you are okay.

Coming here is very smart. Here you can be unafraid to ask questions. Here you can get the support you need as you work through things.

And I agree with newground, your husband telling you is a really major thing. One day at a time.

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#456223 - 12/06/13 05:58 PM Re: New to the forum- hoping for some guidance [Re: Luademel]
gettingstronger Offline


Registered: 09/24/13
Posts: 155
Loc: Virginia
Hi Luademel,

Don't feel bad about yourself. Esposa is absolutely right-- you didn't force him to do anything. He told you, so even if nudged slightly, it's a good sign he is ready. My wife (of almost 20 years) and I had to deal with this a couple of months ago when I disclosed what happened to me, so I know what you're going through.

My wife recently told me that, about a year ago, she was thinking about asking for a divorce. That's the level to which our relationship had deteriorated (especially as far as intimacy and sex.) That was part of the "nudge" I needed to finally get over the fear and shame and tell my wife what happened. Not the details, just that I was molested over a period of years.

If I may, let me offer what my wife has offered for me. Once she got over the initial shock, she told me she would be there to talk about it if I wanted to, but she left the decision to talk about it in my hands. In other words, I am free to talk about it, or not.

One of the worst problems abuse survivors face is the shame of what happened-- even though we were the ones victimized, we still often feel like it was somehow our fault. This, and the degrading nature of what generally happens at the hands of abusers, makes it practically impossible to talk about. Let's just say that what happened to your husband is something he never should have experienced.

Some other suggestions, if I may. I'm not a therapist, but these have helped me.

First, he should consider getting a therapist trained in dealing with male sexual abuse survivors. It may take a try or two to do this, but believe me, good ones are out there.

Second, I strongly encourage him to read the posts on this site. There are thousands of them, so he's bound to find lots of information he can relate to. I only see my therapist every several weeks, but I've found an enormous amount of healing on this site, courtesy of the guys here at MS.

Third, encourage him (gently) to make healing a priority. It can't be rushed and it won't happen overnight, but the more he is willing to dig into it (including the really ugly stuff) the sooner he'll be made whole. I've tackled some truly nasty stuff in the couple of months since I started dealing with this, but I'm glad. Now I'm making progress! smile

Fourth, I would encourage you to be as supportive as you can. You've been through a lot too, and it's probably as hard on spouses as it is for the survivor. It will get better as he addresses it, heals from it, and puts it behind him. Little by little.

Finally, if it would help you to seek therapy or a support group for yourself, please do so. You have very legitimate needs as a spouse, so the trick is to balance your needs with his need to heal. That might take some expert guidance. If so, don't feel bad about it. In a way, your husband's abuser has hurt you too.

Again, welcome. You've come to the right place. There are close to 12,000 of us who want you and your husband to heal.

Bob
_________________________
Don't let "three steps forward and two steps back" bother you. Thirty steps forward and twenty back are still ten steps in the right direction.

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#456252 - 12/06/13 10:36 PM Re: New to the forum- hoping for some guidance [Re: Luademel]
saint-of-Lost-Causes Offline
Guest

Registered: 10/13/07
Posts: 57
Loc: Michigan
Its a Hard road...and will take time and hard work on both of your parts. I admire your willingness to help! I wish you both he best!
_________________________
We accept the love we think we deserve!

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#456303 - 12/07/13 12:03 PM Re: New to the forum- hoping for some guidance [Re: Luademel]
Luademel Offline


Registered: 12/05/13
Posts: 6
Loc: nj
Thank you all for your support. My husband found a therapist and I will be starting next week. I am glad to know I can come here for guidance without fear of judgement. Thank you again.

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#456375 - 12/08/13 11:33 AM Re: New to the forum- hoping for some guidance [Re: Luademel]
pittsburgh Offline


Registered: 05/26/11
Posts: 89
Loc: west Chester, Pa
Hi: I read your first post several days ago. Been thinking of you and you husband since. I would like to echo what "Gettingstronger" said. Then perhaps add some of my own thoughts. It took me three or more years to come to some kind of understanding about what happened. Most of us were prepubescent. Now I was looking back with the eyes of a mature adult. We were groomed our trust taken advantage of. I did nothing I was a child. My perp was a selfish self centered self serving wack job. This was a difficult concept for me to get thru my head. I heal I have found that it takes a willingness on the part of both my wife and I. Understanding on both of our parts. Of course work. I would not be in a better position today with out her. She did not push me but allowed me to come to terms at my speed. She put up with a lot, full of understanding, love, patience. Thank God for both of us. I wish you and your husband the very best in your journey. HEALING IS POSSIABLE.
_________________________
it is and has been quite a trip thru life, as last I feel that I am in a better place, it takes work and in my case a wife the was and is forgiveing and helpful. At last a relationship has gone right, messed up three.

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#456492 - 12/09/13 10:12 PM Re: New to the forum- hoping for some guidance [Re: pittsburgh]
Luademel Offline


Registered: 12/05/13
Posts: 6
Loc: nj
Thank you for your insight. I am trying my hardest to be everything he needs in order to begin this healing process. The hardest part is trying to not suffocate him with coddling because clearly that is the last thing he needs. I appreciate your reply and empathy. it helps to know that we are not alone in this journey. He has decided he wants to disclose this information to family members who have been... Less than supportive of him throughout his life. I am not sure this is going to end on a positive note- I am terrified it will do more harm than good. But, I figure I will just take his lead in the healing process and bite my tongue.

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#456518 - 12/10/13 09:46 AM Re: New to the forum- hoping for some guidance [Re: Luademel]
Esposa Offline
F&F Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 681
Loc: NJ
It might be helpful for him if he finds a therapist before disclosure. Also, there is a good piece in Ken Singer's book about disclosure that he should definitely read before - the book is called Evicting the Perpetrator.

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#456552 - 12/10/13 07:29 PM Re: New to the forum- hoping for some guidance [Re: Luademel]
Luademel Offline


Registered: 12/05/13
Posts: 6
Loc: nj
Thank you for the suggestion. I just ordered the book. I mentioned the advice to him but he still wants to disclose the information this week. He went to his first therapy appointment last week and seems determined to fight it. I think he is hoping it will be more of a sprint than a marathon. I just hope the reaction isn't too devastating for him to handle.

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