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#456505 - 12/10/13 03:08 AM Best way to introduce loved one to this site?
HRB Offline


Registered: 11/13/13
Posts: 6
Hello,

I would really love to introduce this site, as well as all of the wonderful books and other resources, to my loved one who was abused. His life has taken a full spiral downward in the past few years (addiction, divorce, job loss, terrible health) and I really do think it is because of the abuse he experienced as a child. He has seen a few therapists, but only sporadically, and I think everyone wants to target his alcoholism as his main problem and not his abuse (including him). But i think the abuse is the root cause of it all. I would really like to introduce him to all of the great resources that are out there (especially this site), but I do not know how. He was very traumatized when the Penn State situation became public, so I'm afraid of being too pushy with the issue. And I would be the only one because, as I mentioned, most of his loved ones are targeting the alcoholism as the problem and not the abuse. He does, however, talk about his abuse often (very emotionally), so he did not come forward with it and then say "I don't want to talk about it." So bringing it up would not be something out of the blue or necessarily against his wishes. I just don't want to do it in a way that emotionally harms him or pushes him away or makes him drink even more (if that's possible).

Can any of you share stories or advice about how you introduced your loved one to this site (if you found it before they did) and other resources for victims of child sexual abuse? I know I need to be gentle about it, but he needs help - as soon as possible.

Thanks for any advice you have for me.

HRB

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#456524 - 12/10/13 11:17 AM Re: Best way to introduce loved one to this site? [Re: HRB]
SamV Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5944
Loc: Talladega, Alabama, USA
If you share a computer, perhaps find a story that is similar to his symptoms and leave the computer on and open to it. We survivors like to hunt and forage on our own. When, or if he asks, let him know that you wanted to understand his symptoms, that reading on the site has helped you to give him the space and time he needs.

Sam
_________________________
MaleSurvivor Moderator Emeritus 2012 - 2014

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#456542 - 12/10/13 05:52 PM Re: Best way to introduce loved one to this site? [Re: HRB]
gettingstronger Offline


Registered: 09/24/13
Posts: 180
Loc: Virginia
Hi HRB,

Really glad you posted! It's good to see at least he can talk about the abuse (so many can't.) I firmly believe (from experience!) that this is truly the starting point of healing from it. Loved ones often confuse things like alcohol abuse as problems instead of symptoms of a problem. I think that's where you are on the right track and his other loved ones are perhaps incorrect.

He drinks BECAUSE he has a need for something (perhaps escape, numbing disturbing feelings, and so on) and not just because it tastes good. It stands to reason that, once the reasons are eliminated (through dealing with the csa and not being in its grasp,) the drinking should disappear or at least become manageable. At least that's been my experience. I went from nearly a bottle of wine per day to around 1-2 glasses of wine per month, and I honestly don't miss it.

Even though he's seen a few therapists, I know how tricky that can be. I had several misfires before I found the one I see now, and she's absolutely wonderful. I'm hoping he will keep looking until he crosses paths with the right one.

Finally, bless you for being so supportive of him! smile Don't be afraid to be sort of a "broken record." Keep letting him know that you're here to talk about it and don't be concerned if he gets emotional. Holding them in is bad; letting them out is good.

As long as he doesn't get violent, it's all good. You won't harm him emotionally; the damage has already been done. Gently suggesting that you're available (but leaving the control of talking about it in his hands) won't cause him any additional trauma. If anything, it could nudge him into dealing with it rather than trying to dodge it any longer through drinking, etc.

Sam's suggestion is good, in my opinion-- consider leaving the computer up, logged on to this site. He'll find an amazing amount of help here when he's ready.

Best to you.

Bob



Edited by gettingstronger (12/10/13 05:53 PM)
_________________________
Never worry about "three steps forward and two steps back." Thirty steps forward and twenty back are still ten steps in the right direction.

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