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#456301 - 12/07/13 10:53 AM recent history was quickly rewritten...
ThisMan Offline

Registered: 01/22/13
Posts: 767
Loc: upper south
I won't detail it out again, but family dynamics of the hospital room drama from earlier this week is at the forefront of my mind. In speaking with the mom, she expressed her desire to "slap my face" when I spoke to her. The exact same words used in the hosp room by the brother. It was my fault he behaved in that manner. I suppose I would have been dead if I had truly expressed myself. And it would have been my fault. No fucking wonder they are each other's favorite.

Remaining ever respectful, I simply said , "no, you would not have". And lots more. But it pains me greatly to have heard these words. As she talked, I realized she SAW a different version, had HEARD a different version explained. In other words, LIES were told, lies were believed, and lies are being shared. I did my best to say that isn't correct, but I am not a favored son.

And as much as I wish I were cared for in a safe environment, they (the family) can rewrite history as often as they wish. But they can not rewrite the history that I was left behind as a piece of "man-meat" for the next hungry boy-lover. They can not rewrite that when little, I was the smallest of them all, and received the abuse of them all. And they can not rewrite that during this past week, both my mother and a brother expressed their desires to "slap my face" after they concurred on their twisted, abusive stories.

To those that have hurt me, I truly have forgiven you. I honestly, truly have. I am not a hater. But I am a thinker. And I think I have had enough. I just will not step back into the role you desire me to play to make you feel more comfortable. And you will never hit me again. What are you thinking?

Even though I know I am freeing myself as I work through this, why is it hurting me so? So why is this typical behavior from these two people hurting me so?
For now we see through a glass, darkly.

#456302 - 12/07/13 11:30 AM Re: recent history was quickly rewritten... [Re: ThisMan]
traveler Offline

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3513
Loc: somewhere in Africa
it hurts because it is so wrong. you are a sane man with normal instincts and expectations. you naturally ascribe to the cultural standards that are expressed by such commonly used terms as "objective truth," "maternal instincts," and "brotherly love." you have the right to receive the affection and solidarity that is expressed by the concept of "family." it is not your assumptions that are wrong. it is the core of those others - the mother and the brother - obviously only biological descriptions of relationships - who do not possess the minimal decency of humanity that should be inherent even in total strangers.

As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago

#456334 - 12/07/13 09:45 PM Re: recent history was quickly rewritten... [Re: ThisMan]
SoccerStar Offline

Registered: 10/15/12
Posts: 918
Loc: New York

You cannot change abusers. You can change your responses to them, or you can escape.

You've made so much progress since arriving here.... grasping the proper vocabulary for the offenses against you, having the courage to both seek therapy and improve it when necessary, taking a stand against those who continue to disrespect you, channeling your emotions into fine art, opening up about your vulnerabilities to your son, and emotionally reconnecting with and cherishing the kind-heartedness and worthiness of your younger self.

And to narcissistic, oblivious, unbalanced perps and perp-enablers stretching back decades.... it's pearls to swine.

They were never going to notice, but their judgment doesn't matter. Any sane person would be gratified and proud to have you in their family.

Stick to the path where you've been getting stronger. It is for your own sake - nobody else's.

My story

"Don't think it hasn't been a little slice of Heaven just because it hasn't!" --Bugs Bunny

#456368 - 12/08/13 09:48 AM Re: recent history was quickly rewritten... [Re: ThisMan]
ThisMan Offline

Registered: 01/22/13
Posts: 767
Loc: upper south
Thanks, Lee. Thanks, Matt.

When I said last week we seemed to be running parallel with the mother/family situation, I wasn't exaggerating, Lee. Thanks for your earlier postings, they gave me much strength.

And, Matt. Those words I haven't thought about in years. I will never again intentionally and knowingly "cast my pearls before the swine", to be mauled, trampled, and destroyed.

Getting healthy is really quite cool. Even at my age!!
For now we see through a glass, darkly.

#456376 - 12/08/13 11:39 AM Re: recent history was quickly rewritten... [Re: ThisMan]
BraveFalcon Offline

Registered: 02/25/13
Posts: 1147
Loc: The ATL

Hi Bill. Just got caught up on your hospital room confrontation with your brother. Sorry I've been mostly absent from MS of late.

Anyway, I'm really proud of you and happy for you to hear where you are now with all of this. You owe this to yourself and owe nothing to those you are understandably now distancing yourself from. From what I've read of your story since joining MS, you're a saint for having put with the things you've endured at their hands already. They're probably lucky you didn't stand up and walk out on them years ago. Sounds like it's finally time to stop trying. Congrats on taking that step.

As far as how much this is all hurting you, I think that is only natural. Severing family ties is never going to be easy. These are the people who should have loved you, protected you, respected you and cared for you more than anyone else in the world but they have failed at that again and again. I think that the more time passes and the longer you experience your new found freedom from them, the easier it will get and the less it will hurt. For now, stay strong and stay the course. I am glad you have freed yourself. Peace,



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