Regarding my triggers in the context of csa within the lifespan:
I discovered fear is the event.
My anxiety is my current reaction to that internalized/frozen fear.
My shame is related to the ability to accept all of it.
The task is to recognize the fear as an 'old event' that cannot kill me today.
My reaction and how i cope with the internalized anxiety is a task i am learning to cope with.
acceptance of myself as a worthwhile individual who deserved to be treated with dignity;
realizing I am not the shame others put on me
And then it is walking it out in my daily life without "it" always haunting. "It" will dissipate with time as i work thru these steps that I have identified for myself with the help of other resources.
I only experienced the anxiety once that i could not identify the source of(at that time). Some sort of flashback?
We were having a redneck birthday party at my sisters home where my brother in law unexpectedly cranked up his race car and revved the motor to deafening sound within 50 feet of small women and children(i was one of the children, though 47 years old) .
I went into an unexpected panic and broke from reality briefly in an all out fight/flight emotional out of body experience. I ran to my brother in law and yelled at him for being rude, and inconsiderate of the women and children(which really didnt seem to effect them that much at all...their response was minimal compared to mine)......then i rushed my wife and kids into the car and drove them home to our safe place as fast as i could...i was still disconnected from myself in some way.
..and went to the store, bought 2 tall budweisers and drank them down.....and wondered what the hell was 'wrong' with me...didnt know why i was feeling the way i was. what had happened to me? was i going nuts? and then days later i thought of how foolish i had responded in front of my family.
I later discovered the anxieties of that moment were buried in the epidose of a neighbor friends dad accidently shooting himself in the head and dying when i was 5 years old.
We were all kids playing in the living room. My dad was at work. The moms were in the kitchen prepping dinner. I only recall the shot ringing out, seeing the dead man's head slumped sideways, some blood, and then utter frantic screaming of the ladies, us kids being herded outside into the vehicles. and that was all. we went to my grandmothers to spend the night. nothing more was said. all i recall.
the emotions of that frantic-mess , the fear was fixed into my body into some form of anxiety. Today some of my anxiety/frantic feelings are attached to that unresolved moment in time.
The frantic scream of my mom when my sister hurt her toe was the same scream of the night of the death of that guy who shot himself. The frantic mess of dad being absent, my moms terror filled scream, and the immediate oral violation of my perp further sealed frantic anxiety into my sexual psyche. thus anxiety was always attached to male genitalia, either mine or others. plus the imprint of the actual violation of my mouth. Fear of my dad and all fear-inducing situations were put into that 'box' i now call ineffective coping mechanisms.
The frantic persona of my home environment that created anxiety triggered me to find relief in the porn my neighbor-friend had stached. And once mast. was discovered , it bled over into how i dealt with all anxieties.
It just so happened that the molest, and the porn and the absence of parental emotional support (the protector/mom the comforter ) in all the situations, did i fixate on the male anatomy as a source of comfort for all of my anxieties which are internalized fear....still not sure of exactly what i was afraid of.....
At 50 i see the association of all these things much clearer. I can see it more objectively and stay away from behaviors that spiral me downward into the negative coping behaviors. There is freedom in seeing this. There is still an unsettling uncertainty that i can keep my head above water without sinking back to poor behaviors. But i also see that i can recover if i spiral back. I can see the source of what caused it as opposed to the crap of "this is who i am".
So the second law of thermodyanamics applies here....without the input of energy all systems will go from order to chaos at increasing degrees of deterioration; descending the system into a hell of disintegration and nothingness. I prefer to work with the law and put the necessary energy (me power/will power) into this chaotic mass to preserve the system into a high energy entity which is me: full of power and purpose to leave a mark on humanity. even if it is only the restoration of my humanity, and if i have a contributory effect on others along the way, then all the more a reason to 'stay alive' and in the present.
one day at a time. best to us all.