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#456112 - 12/05/13 10:13 AM Father helping adult son after rape
SoccerStar Offline

Registered: 10/15/12
Posts: 926
Loc: New York
I wasn't sure if this should go in Gay/Bi/Trans, ASA, or F&F, or here. Putting it here because it should get the widest readership.

TRIGGERS - Rape, rape jokes

Here is a real lump-in-throat case study:

Part 1:

Part 2:

As a parent and survivor it is horrifying to read - the questions that this father must confront, he finds to be baffling and I find them more radioactive, unthinkable.

Spoiler alert: the young man is lucky to have (apparently) ideal parents, who support and comfort him. A gay college student, he was raped while drunk by a "friend-with-benefits" with whom he had had consensual sex several times before.

There are some aspects to this story that strike me as a little odd. I know the spectrum of human psychology is tremendously broad, and some people really are more resilient, more resistant to trauma than others, and that there are different "tick boxes" in any sexual assault which will alter the amount of trauma from the outset. HAVING SAID ALL THAT.... the victim in this story sure seems to bounce back quickly. Maybe he was putting on his best face so as not to alarm his parents, maybe dad played up junior's courage in his story to make it easier for himself to accept. Regardless of reasons, it just seems strange. Partner rape is very much a real thing and should not be expected to be something that victims can "get over", let alone so quickly.

What do you guys think?

My story

"Don't think it hasn't been a little slice of Heaven just because it hasn't!" --Bugs Bunny

#456114 - 12/05/13 11:38 AM Re: Father helping adult son after rape [Re: SoccerStar]
traveler Offline

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3815
Loc: somewhere in Africa
i am guessing he is temporarily on an upswing - but will eventually experience a downward slide. it will be important for him and his parents to be ready to respond appropriately when that time comes. it seems to me that they are all aware of the probability that the story is not finished.

A man talking sense to himself is no madder than a man talking nonsense to not himself.
Or just as mad.
So there you are.
Stark raving sane.
- Tom Stoppard, Rosencrantz & Guildenstern are Dead

#456314 - 12/07/13 04:18 PM Re: Father helping adult son after rape [Re: SoccerStar]
ThisMan Offline

Registered: 01/22/13
Posts: 769
Loc: upper south

Unfortunately, for the young man, the good night of sleep and the trip to the zoo will not heal him. The story is odd only because it is written from a father's perspective. The perspective of an outsider trying to help, to comfort his son. The dad doesn't have a clue how the young man really feels. And sadly, nor does the son. I am venturing a guess that both are in a slight state of shock, wishing to protect the other, and to diminish the impact as much as possible.

In the material I have read regarding adult rape, there is an average of 5 years before the victim reaches out. Five years before the full impact of what has happened can be dealt with. Five years of re-modification of behaviors and responses due to the rape. Cause and effect. Five years before you can do it no longer. (I have read only a couple articles about this recently, I can not share the sources… so someone more professional can verify.) And I will also share that these same articles state that a full 30% fully contemplate suicide in the coming years as a direct result of the rape. The son's story has much yet to unfold.

It took me four years to acknowledge my pain from adult rape. My adult rape was perpetrated on me by someone I dearly loved. Someone I had had consensual sex with before. Just as the young man in the article. "Partner rape" is real, and ugly, and can even become deadly. (yes, I eventually received the death threats). I still have periods in which I find I am overwhelmed by feelings of despair, fear, "victimhood". It gets better, but only slowly.

The young man needed his parents, and thank God he could tell them. But he is also at the age where he wants to protect his parents. He is, after two or three days, still in denial of what has happened, the impact it has had, and his role in the rape. Eventually, it will all come together for him. It may take months, it may take years as it did for me. But it will definitely take TIME. He will crumble. It is a given.

Matt, I cried when I read the similarity of being incapacitated as the young guy here was. I am strangely glad that only the latter half of my life will I have to deal with having been raped, because it is more difficult than I can express. It is heart breaking that this young man, assuming in his early 20s, has to carry this weight around his neck for a full lifetime. I am not certain what I would do if my son were to encounter the same.

It was good for me to share the point of actual rape to seeking heal and recovery. Thanks for giving me the opportunity. A true MS friend let me have that chance again just this weekend through pm. Hope I didn't overstate my thoughts…
For now we see through a glass, darkly.

#458365 - 01/09/14 06:24 PM Re: Father helping adult son after rape [Re: SoccerStar]
bodyguard8367 Offline

Registered: 05/16/12
Posts: 1159
Loc: ""

Edited by bodyguard8367 (02/27/14 06:59 PM)

#475742 - 01/22/15 12:29 AM Re: Father helping adult son after rape [Re: ThisMan]
vrocotamy Offline

Registered: 01/15/15
Posts: 53
Loc: North Jersey/New York City
I was also a bit incredulous that the son was "fine" so soon after the rape. I can certainly believe he wanted to believe he was fine - or told his parents he was fine - but, as you said prior, it often takes a lot of time to process the effects of adult rape. It took me almost 6 years of "re-modification of behaviors and responses" and flawed adaptations to admit how damaged I was by it (or, like the college student in the story, start to stop believing I didn't invite it or share culpability.)

Unfortunately, I'm also a bit envious, because I didn't feel at all comfortable telling my parents what happened. I was out to my parents and grandmother when I was raped at 19, similar to the age of the guy in the story, but my parents were dealing with big issues then (my mother was selling the house she and my father co-owned in the crashed real estate market of '09, my father was preparing for major surgery) in which I felt I had to be the adult. I was also afraid of the information hurting them, or of my father's anger that a condom wasn't involved (since I came out a few years before that, he had reiterated the importance of using a condom many times for men having sex.) I told my father I "lost my virginity" a few months after, and then a few years later that I didn't use a condom (after I knew I didn't have HIV). I still haven't told my mother exactly what happened, and I haven't revealed the nature of the encounter to my father beyond it being unpleasant.

#475750 - 01/22/15 03:18 AM Re: Father helping adult son after rape [Re: SoccerStar]
NoSimpleMachine Offline

Registered: 06/05/14
Posts: 223
Loc: SF Bay Area
It is kind of surreal reading this, for all the reasons said above; but then again, I'd like to think that these couple days of togetherness and bonding and positivity will help this young man's healing experience from what happened to him. Even if that's months or years away. When you read his comments about taking blame and having to quit, it's clear he's not all OK from this, not by a long shot, could be worse, can't it? This sure beats being raped and having no support, no positivity, no follow-up.

I was in a non-consensual situation when I was 21, it was my second ever time having sex. It took me a few years after that to see it as something non-consensual and to seek some help, and the help I sought out at the time wasn't that great. I get an odd feeling reading this story.
If I know only one thing it's that everything that I see
Of the world outside is so inconceivable often I barely can speak
Yeah I'm tongue-tied and dizzy and I can't keep it to myself
What good is it to sing Helplessness Blues, why should I wait for anyone else?

#475772 - 01/22/15 01:02 PM Re: Father helping adult son after rape [Re: SoccerStar]
Bardo Offline

Registered: 09/24/14
Posts: 315
Note the date of the last installment. Over a year ago. My guess is the road has not been so uplifting during that time. I wish them the best and hope for his, yours and our recovery in the quickest most effective way possible.
Through these fields of destruction
Baptisms of fire
I've witnessed your suffering
As the battles raged higher

And though we were hurt so bad
In the fear and alarm
You did not desert me
My brothers in arms

-Mark Knopfler


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