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#456100 - 12/05/13 12:29 AM Social Anxiety problems
onlyakid Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/31/04
Posts: 1552
Loc: New Jersey
Along the line somehow, I got interested in Commerical Air Travel. In the Summer of 2001, I even applied to be a reservations agent at Continental Airlines (Now United), luckily for me, I wasn't hired for the job because soon after September 11th happened and air travel took a hit and there were layoffs. In any event, I'm on air travel message boards and I know stuff about frequent flier programs, etc. About a year ago, commerical service started up at a local regional airport and a few months ago I made a "friend" on a facebook group supporting the airport. He works there as a baggage handler/ramp agent, I've met him once at the airport when an old B17 came to the airport and he asked me if I wanted to see it. We talk about the airport and the airline he works for but not much else. I feel real awkward because I don't have much depth in anything else and I also feel like I'm an embarassment to him. This is only because I feel like I'm an embarrasment to everybody he hasn't said anything to indicate he feels wierd or anything. He invited me to come and watch the airplanes and get something to eat at the cafe they have there and I declined, I said I was busy with Thanskgiving and stuff and he did call me the same day so it wasn't that unusal for me to be busy (I wasn't though).

How do you guys get over your social anxiety and do stuff with people? He's 20 so that doesn't help, but I can tell he's a bit more mature than the average 20 year old though.
_________________________
"Being with people that understand you...Priceless"

"and i don't want the world to see me, cause i don't think that they'd understand"

"You don't know what love is...you just do as your told"

"My life has changed. What you take as a simple thing, is not so simple for me anymore"


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#456102 - 12/05/13 04:23 AM Re: Social Anxiety problems [Re: onlyakid]
newground Offline
Chatroom Moderator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 10/11/11
Posts: 812
Loc: michigan
hey kid
I have to say I wrestle with this all the time and in the end all I can do is just do it. I have told so many people that I feel like I could live in a cave most of the time. I don't feel at ease around people they make me nervous. but I find that when I DO just make myself go and be social, most of the time I can do it. and once I am there it is better than I thought. usually the fear will subside and I feel mostly ok again. I hope for the day when I don't have to MAKE myself go. I would love to just WANT to go. but for now I don't. so mostly I have to force it.
hope that helps
jeff
_________________________
Either I will find a way, or I will make one.
Philip Sidney

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#456108 - 12/05/13 09:23 AM Re: Social Anxiety problems [Re: onlyakid]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 2024
Loc: durham, north england
Hi Kid.

One of the most helpful things is just not planning on topics to discuss.

A friend of mine recently said that she felt one of the biggest social problems was simply people not listening. Everyone wants to talk "at" someone, but rarely talk "to" someone.

Myself, I've often found simply letting someone speak can do a lot more to promote a friendship than not, indeed when i am thinking about things and my mind is working I often have to remind myself to slow down and let someone else enter the conversation.

This is also the way to acquire a wide knolidge on different subjects and so be comfortable with different topics, since the more people you listen to, the more you get used to hearing about different things. It is possible that this chap simply doesn't have anyone to talk to about his job and the aroplanes he deals with and obviously has a passion about.

a person who can listen receptively is in a lot of ways a more valuable friend than someone who just rattles on about their own thing, and that's a skill anyone can learn.

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#456109 - 12/05/13 09:38 AM Re: Social Anxiety problems [Re: onlyakid]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3512
Loc: somewhere in Africa
d e is right on this. so many people need someone to listen to them. all you need to do is ask the right questions and people can go on forever. of course, it helps if you look interested and respond every so often with nods and facial expressions and muted sounds - hmmm, etc. most people really do have somethng interesting to say if you give them a chance. and if you can pretend to be comfortable and at ease it also helps - no one wants to be with someone who makes them feel awkward.

LEE
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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#456111 - 12/05/13 09:55 AM Re: Social Anxiety problems [Re: onlyakid]
concerned_husky Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/29/12
Posts: 605
Onlyakid,

My two cents would be to join some sort of club, or to plan an activity together with someone or a group of people. Cards or games helped me a lot in terms of breaking my own social anxiety. That way, there's always something to do, and it takes the pressure off of feeling the need to talk. If the purpose of meeting is more or less the activity, then you can choose how much you want to socialize, and should you feel uncomfortable, you can simply enjoy whatever activity you're sharing without saying much. It could be a good place to practice social skills without feeling the pressure to socialize, and if anything, get you used to being around people. It may also help you feel more comfortable around people. I think it could be a good stepping stone before engaging more fully in one-on-one socialization - I think that can sometimes be daunting for anyone.


Edited by concerned_husky (12/05/13 12:28 PM)
Edit Reason: Added a line.
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Husky

My Story

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#456117 - 12/05/13 12:23 PM Re: Social Anxiety problems [Re: onlyakid]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 3536
Loc: O Kanada
my solution to isolation was an unexpected result of isolation.

my isolation drove me to sit alone in a room with a guitar.
i became pretty good.
fooling around for hours had somehow turned into practice.

i started lessons at the local music store.
through visiting the music store, and carrying around an instrument, i met other musicians.
most times, i did not even have to initiate the contact.
people came right up to me and started talking.
usually it was questions about the instrument and that soon turned to discussing artists, songs, genres, which unveiled whatever common ground and mutual interests.
this led to invitations to jam sessions.

jamming is a marvelous substitute for conversation.
eventually you start to click and gel and bond with certain people.
jam sessions turn into rehearsals,
and the bond becomes a band.

in the end, all the time i spent by myself was well wasted.
music became the focal point of my life and remains so to this day.
it even ended up paying the bills.

so...
might i recommend taking up a musical instrument.
it worked for me.
_________________________
Victor|Victim

War
Love
Poetry

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#456129 - 12/05/13 03:20 PM Re: Social Anxiety problems [Re: onlyakid]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 2024
Loc: durham, north england
@Husky and victor I agree. I've never done the jamming thing but some of the best experiences I've had have been whilst performing, and a mutual activity like that is a way to at least be comfortable with people and have something fun to do.

@Lee, at least for me it's not a case of faking facial experessions etc. I have to be! interested, or at least concerned enough with the other person to be sensing their emotions. If I just sit and say "mmmm" at correct points it really doesn't work, this is why people are both rewarding, and hard work!

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#456156 - 12/06/13 12:04 AM Re: Social Anxiety problems [Re: onlyakid]
onlyakid Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/31/04
Posts: 1552
Loc: New Jersey
Thanks to everybody who replied. I guess it is mostly the anticipation of the event that makes me nervous but even when I'm there its sometimes anxiety provoking. But yeah, I'm just going to have to do it and hope that I do better at it, in the future.
_________________________
"Being with people that understand you...Priceless"

"and i don't want the world to see me, cause i don't think that they'd understand"

"You don't know what love is...you just do as your told"

"My life has changed. What you take as a simple thing, is not so simple for me anymore"


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#456339 - 12/07/13 09:51 PM ! [Re: onlyakid]
Smalltown80sBoy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/25/12
Posts: 2217
!


Edited by Smalltown80sBoy (02/28/14 10:47 PM)

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#456355 - 12/08/13 01:34 AM Re: Social Anxiety problems [Re: onlyakid]
Lancer Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/13/12
Posts: 901
Loc: Florida
OAK...didn't realize you were an airplane guy. Same here.

Get over it? I haven't, except I can function, some coping mechanisms healthier than others: http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthr...5920#Post455920

The airplane stuff is one way...lots of airports in the area, large and small. Naturally it attracts airplane spotters/photogs, amateur and pro. So, that's been one social outlet, either when we happen to run into each other or when we do a couple organized annual ramp tours at two of the larger airports. No pressure and I'm more interested in my craft than being social. But it's nice to be around a group with similar interests.

The rest of it - going out to lunch/dinner for example - isn't as easy. All I can say is that I've been able to do a little more of it the past year with my Welsh bestie and, speaking of people who talk "at" you, a client with whom I've become somewhat social (and a PITA).

Not that I have any answer, OAK, but for me it's been like so many other things in my recovery, I take centipede steps.

btw, this B-17's for you.

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