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#45589 - 02/19/03 07:54 PM Laughter is the Best Medicine
Chey-Wy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/01/02
Posts: 241
Loc: Cheyenne, WY
A few weeks ago I wrote to one of the moderators with a suggestion I had for a Jokes section on the Board. Sometimes, maybe if we laughed, things would not seem so bad. I know there are jokes out there that while some find funny, others will find offensive. I got a response to my private message and was told that we can give it a try on the regular boards. See how it goes and see what the general membership thinks of the idea. I would only ask that we all use some disgression. If you think someone might be offended ... it is probably not a good idea to post it.

Here is the first joke in what I hope works out.

DR. SEUSS ON AGING

I cannot see

I cannot pee

I cannot chew

I cannot screw

Oh my GOD, What can I do?

My memory shrinks

My hearing stinks

No sense of smell

I look like hell

My mood is bad -- can you tell?

My bodies drooping

Have trouble pooping

The golden years are here at last

The golden years can KISS MY ASS


Hope you enjoyed that one.

Go ahead and add your favorite.

John

_________________________
From the Song MOUNTAINS by Lonestar.

Yeah, the good Lord gave us mountains,
So we could learn how to climb

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#45590 - 02/19/03 08:01 PM Re: Laughter is the Best Medicine
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Chey, is that what I've got to look forward to ??

AAARRRGGHHH :rolleyes:

Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#45591 - 02/20/03 01:50 AM Re: Laughter is the Best Medicine
Chey-Wy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/01/02
Posts: 241
Loc: Cheyenne, WY
Lloyd,

Let's see I just turned 46.

There are 11 items on the list.

If I give one point to each item on the list

  • I cannot see ..... 1 point
  • I cannot screw ( does not getting any count)
  • My memory shrinks {that is one thing that hasn't gone ... wish the memories would go away}
  • My hearing stinks 1/2 point (don't konw if that is old age of the fact that I worked on oil rigs right out of high school)
  • I look like hell 1 point
  • My mood is bad -- can you tell?1 point
  • My bodies drooping I think this one is more for women ... but I guess the start of a spare tire count O K 1/2 point


The golden years can KISS MY ASS not assigned a point but if we did 10 points

So that gives me 4 points out of a possible 11... we'll have to come up with a scale that goes from youth to old fart.

Try to keep smiling \:\) ;\)

John :p

_________________________
From the Song MOUNTAINS by Lonestar.

Yeah, the good Lord gave us mountains,
So we could learn how to climb

Top
#45592 - 02/20/03 10:34 AM Re: Laughter is the Best Medicine
Wuamei Offline
Member

Registered: 08/19/02
Posts: 2700
Loc: The left turn I should have ta...
Since laughter is the best medicene, how about some chicken soup?...


WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?

DR. SEUSS
Did the chicken cross the road?
Did he cross it with a toad?
Yes! The chicken crossed the road,
but why it crossed, I've not been told!

ERNEST HEMINGWAY
To die. In the rain.

GRANDPA
In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

ARISTOTLE
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

KARL MARX
It was a historical inevitability.

SADDAM HUSSEIN
This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

FREUD
The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

BILL GATES
I have just released eChicken 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your
checkbook; and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.

EINSTEIN
Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?

FOX MULDER ("The X Files")
You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it?

STAR TREK: FROM THE CREW OF THE ORIGINAL USS ENTERPRISE

CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK
To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

(I made the rest of these up...once I get started on Star Trek I can't stop. Sorry about that!)

MR. SPOCK
Captain, considering the heavy traffic flow at the time, it did seem a most illogical thing to do. The odds of the chicken making it across the road were exactly 1.555%.

DR. "BONES" MCCOY
Dammit, Jim, how am I supposed to know? I'm not a chicken psychologist, I'm a doctor!

SCOTTY
I don't know Cap'n! I dinna think he had enough power!

LT UHURA
I've lost all communications with the chicken...I'm sorry, Captain...

And to stir this soup we have...

COLONEL SANDERS
I missed one?

Perhaps some of you have others to add to this pot? Is it soup yet?...


Victor

_________________________
"I can't stand pain. It hurts me."
--Daffy Duck

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#45593 - 02/20/03 12:47 PM Re: Laughter is the Best Medicine
Chey-Wy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/01/02
Posts: 241
Loc: Cheyenne, WY
Victor,

Thanks so much. I don't know if you read any of the post that I did last night, but, I was a very bad night. Still pretty upset about it but reading these, laughing, trying to think of some more, got my mind off of what happened.

I came up with a punch line for a joke. I just need to come up with a joke now.

Does anybody remember the T V commercial for ( I think it was) Lipton soup? It always ended "Is it soup yet"

_________________________
From the Song MOUNTAINS by Lonestar.

Yeah, the good Lord gave us mountains,
So we could learn how to climb

Top
#45594 - 02/20/03 12:50 PM Re: Laughter is the Best Medicine
Chey-Wy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/01/02
Posts: 241
Loc: Cheyenne, WY
Whoops,

I look at the bottom cartoon before I did that last post. Actually, I did look at the picturte, but I didn't see the punch line.

I am having brain farts this morning.

John

_________________________
From the Song MOUNTAINS by Lonestar.

Yeah, the good Lord gave us mountains,
So we could learn how to climb

Top
#45595 - 02/20/03 01:47 PM Re: Laughter is the Best Medicine
Wuamei Offline
Member

Registered: 08/19/02
Posts: 2700
Loc: The left turn I should have ta...
Hey John, did you know chicken soup can cure brain farts?!

I wonder what it will do for my other farts?

John, I did read your post, and have responded to it. What you were put thru--again!--is enuf to give anybody all kinds of farts!

[img]
All kinds of farts--just like those damned perps!

Flush 'em! [img]http://www.click-smilie.de/sammlung/alles_moegliche/allesmoegliche002[/img]

Hey, as you said, laughter IS the best medicene!

I really enjoyed your stuff too. I'm going to get older, so I might as well laugh at it as cry about it!

I like Dr Seuss. My favorite is "Green Eggs & Ham"
My youngest daughter loved that book and I read it to her so many times that for a while I had it memorized!

And yes we have had green eggs & ham before! Grits too! Just add a bit of food coloring...

BTW bro, that's a good idea, a good game: give out a punch line, and have people come up with jokes for it!

In fact, I'm gonna work on "Is it soup yet?" myself.

TC & TTYL my friend

Victor

_________________________
"I can't stand pain. It hurts me."
--Daffy Duck

Top
#45596 - 02/20/03 02:40 PM Re: Laughter is the Best Medicine
Chey-Wy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/01/02
Posts: 241
Loc: Cheyenne, WY
Vicctor,

Quote:
BTW bro, that's a good idea, a good game: give out a punch line, and have people come up with jokes for it!
That reminds me of a joke I saw the other day. I'll see if I can find it in on my desk. I just need to remember which pile it is in.

The general idea of it was that company was under a lot of stress trying to meet a deadline. The boss called everyone into the board room and told them that they had to come up with slogans for Viagra using advertising slogans

I can't remember them all but the ones I do remember were:


Viagra:

  • "It's WAZZZ UP"
  • "When it absolutely, positively, has to be there, overnight"
  • "We deliver"
  • " The quicker, thicker, picker upper"


I know there were others ...... but ..... there is nothing that says that we can't come up with some of our own.

Let's try to keep smiling, \:\)

John

_________________________
From the Song MOUNTAINS by Lonestar.

Yeah, the good Lord gave us mountains,
So we could learn how to climb

Top
#45597 - 02/20/03 02:45 PM Re: Laughter is the Best Medicine
Chey-Wy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/01/02
Posts: 241
Loc: Cheyenne, WY
after I did that last post, I got to thinking that it could be triggering. I hope not. I was meant to be something fun, Not triggering.

As Waumie posted earlier .... "If You Don't Laugh, You'll Cry.

I would rather be laughing so hard that I cried, than crying so hard I couldn't laugh.

John

_________________________
From the Song MOUNTAINS by Lonestar.

Yeah, the good Lord gave us mountains,
So we could learn how to climb

Top
#45598 - 02/20/03 05:58 PM Re: Laughter is the Best Medicine
Chey-Wy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/01/02
Posts: 241
Loc: Cheyenne, WY
Osama-yo'mama
CAUTION ... MAY BE TRIGGERING IF YOU HAVE ISSUES WITH YOUR MOTHER

***************************************************************************

In an earlier post today I had said that I liked Barry Manilow ... ( Keep our coments to yourself) Ther was a particuar song of his that I was looking for and still can't find it .... but in the process of looking through my old vinyl record collection I came across a 33 1/3 called I need your help Barry Manilow by Ray Stevens. I couldn't remember all the words to that one either so I did a search to see if I could find them. Well, to make a long story short I didn't find what I was looking for .... but I did find this one.

Osama-yo'mama

By Ray Stevens


Osama - yo' mama didn't raise you right
When you were young she must have wrapped yo' turban too tight
She should have kept you home on those arabian nights
It's plain to see - you need some therapy

Osama - yo' mama could have done a lot better
Though I bet every day you did somethin' to upset her
By the way, we got an answer to your anthrax letter
New York City's where it's from - it's called a smart bomb

And I can hear yo' mama sayin' now, "You in a heap o' trouble son
Now just look what you've done
Saw you on TV with yo' gun
Mercy sakes, I can't do a thing wit'cha, told ya dubyah's (W) gonna git'cha"

And I can just hear dubyah sayin', "You in a heap 'o trouble boy
And I don't think you will enjoy
Our game of search and destroy
We got your terror right here, and we gon' run it up yo' rear"

Osama - yo' mama didn't teach you how to act
You've crossed the line too far this time, there ain't no turnin' back
You're startin' to remind us of another maniac
Yeah, you know who - he started World War II

Osama - yo' mama didn't teach you to behave
Now they say you're hangin' with the bats in a cave
Well, pullin' off that sneak attack was not too brave
Kinda makes us remember - the 7th of December

And I can hear yo' mama sayin' again, "You in a heap o' trouble son
Now just look what you've done
Saw you on TV with yo' gun
Mercy sakes, I can't do a thing wit'cha, told ya dubyah's gonna git'cha"

And I can just hear dubyah sayin', "You in a heap 'o trouble boy
And I don't think you will enjoy
Our game of search and destroy
We got your terror right here, and we gon' run it up yo' rear"

Osama yo' karma's really got you in a jam
But that's just what you get - when you mess with Uncle Sam

Osama the Taliban is history
Nobody wants to see you startin' World War Three

Osama you know the al-Qaida won't last
Osama, just like you, it's future's in the past

John
\:D :p \:D

_________________________
From the Song MOUNTAINS by Lonestar.

Yeah, the good Lord gave us mountains,
So we could learn how to climb

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