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#455801 - 12/02/13 08:57 PM Re: When is enough enough? [Re: Esposa]
Esposa Offline
F&F Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 726
Loc: NJ
My therapist always tells me that we are recovering at different speeds and that inequity can be difficult.

Val - I don't believe that this is unquantifiable. In fact, I believe that there is a scale that must stay in balance for every supporter - just like for every caregiver of an ill person. We have to keep balance or else we lose ourselves. That's what I am feeling right now - like things are out of balance.

Perhaps we as supporters should be unaffected by our partners' nose dives. What about when his nose dives get in the way of things I want and need in my life?

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#455819 - 12/03/13 08:26 AM Re: When is enough enough? [Re: Esposa]
Valkyrie Offline


Registered: 04/27/12
Posts: 167
Is it really so clear? To say that this "one thing" is what will make me leave, really ends up being a combination of the little lie he didn't need to tell, the omission he should be speaking about, and/or the slip that throws us over an edge. We've all done it, made those compromises, those little deals with ourselves that we'll let it slide for now and deal with it later.

When we step and look at things comprehensively, I think, it's then when we have these conversations in our heads. Not in the day-to-day, which maybe is where we should be having that talk.

Yes, my recovery is light years beyond his, but when he slips, it sets me back to since a lot of my recovery is based on redeveloping trust, in him, the world, and myself. So in that sense, even inequity is a sliding scale.

The only hard and sure thing I know I will stick to is infidelity. If it happens again, I am gone. For good. No compromises.

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#455820 - 12/03/13 08:26 AM Re: When is enough enough? [Re: Esposa]
Valkyrie Offline


Registered: 04/27/12
Posts: 167
Is it really so clear? To say that this "one thing" is what will make me leave, really ends up being a combination of the little lie he didn't need to tell, the omission he should be speaking about, and/or the slip that throws us over an edge. We've all done it, made those compromises, those little deals with ourselves that we'll let it slide for now and deal with it later.

When we step and look at things comprehensively, I think, it's then when we have these conversations in our heads. Not in the day-to-day, which maybe is where we should be having that talk.

Yes, my recovery is light years beyond his, but when he slips, it sets me back to since a lot of my recovery is based on redeveloping trust, in him, the world, and myself. So in that sense, even inequity is a sliding scale.

The only hard and sure thing I know I will stick to is infidelity. If it happens again, I am gone. For good. No compromises.

Top
#455821 - 12/03/13 08:27 AM Re: When is enough enough? [Re: Esposa]
Valkyrie Offline


Registered: 04/27/12
Posts: 167
Is it really so clear? To say that this "one thing" is what will make me leave, really ends up being a combination of the little lie he didn't need to tell, the omission he should be speaking about, and/or the slip that throws us over an edge. We've all done it, made those compromises, those little deals with ourselves that we'll let it slide for now and deal with it later. The unquantifiables.

When we step and look at things comprehensively, I think, it's then when we have these conversations in our heads. Not in the day-to-day, which maybe is where we should be having that talk.

Yes, my recovery is light years beyond his, but when he slips, it sets me back to since a lot of my recovery is based on redeveloping trust, in him, the world, and myself. So in that sense, even inequity is a sliding scale.

The only hard and sure thing I know I will stick to is infidelity. If it happens again, I am gone. For good. No compromises.

Top
#455822 - 12/03/13 08:31 AM Re: When is enough enough? [Re: Esposa]
Valkyrie Offline


Registered: 04/27/12
Posts: 167
Is it really so clear? To say that this "one thing" is what will make me leave, really ends up being a combination of the little lie he didn't need to tell, the omission he should be speaking about, and/or the slip that throws us over an edge. We've all done it, made those compromises, those little deals with ourselves that we'll let it slide for now and deal with it later. The unquantifiables.

When we step and look at things comprehensively, I think, it's then when we have these conversations in our heads. Not in the day-to-day, which maybe is where we should be having that talk.

Yes, my recovery is light years beyond his, but when he slips, it sets me back to since a lot of my recovery is based on redeveloping trust, in him, the world, and myself. So in that sense, even inequity is a sliding scale.

The only hard and sure thing I know I will stick to is infidelity. If it happens again, I am gone. For good. No compromises.

Top
#455823 - 12/03/13 09:07 AM Re: When is enough enough? [Re: Esposa]
Valkyrie Offline


Registered: 04/27/12
Posts: 167
Is it really so clear? To say that this "one thing" is what will make me leave, really ends up being a combination of the little lie he didn't need to tell, the omission he should be speaking about, and/or the slip that throws us over an edge. We've all done it, made those compromises, those little deals with ourselves that we'll let it slide for now and deal with it later. The unquantifiables.

When we step and look at things comprehensively, I think, it's then when we have these conversations in our heads. Not in the day-to-day, which maybe is where we should be having that talk.

Yes, my recovery is light years beyond his, but when he slips, it sets me back to since a lot of my recovery is based on redeveloping trust, in him, the world, and myself. So in that sense, even inequity is a sliding scale.

The only hard and sure thing I know I will stick to is infidelity. If it happens again, I am gone. For good. No compromises.

Top
#455992 - 12/04/13 10:17 AM Re: When is enough enough? [Re: Esposa]
Valkyrie Offline


Registered: 04/27/12
Posts: 167
Is it really so clear? To say that this "one thing" is what will make me leave, really ends up being a combination of the little lie he didn't need to tell, the omission he should be speaking about, and/or the slip that throws us over an edge. We've all done it, made those compromises, those little deals with ourselves that we'll let it slide for now and deal with it later = "the unquantifiables"

When we step and look at things comprehensively, I think, it's then when we have these conversations in our heads. Not in the day-to-day, which maybe is where we should be having that talk.

Yes, my recovery is light years beyond his, but when he slips, it sets me back to since a lot of my recovery is based on redeveloping trust, in him, the world, and myself. So in that sense, even inequity is a sliding scale.

The only hard and sure thing I know I will stick to is infidelity. If it happens again, I am gone. For good. No compromises.

Top
#455999 - 12/04/13 10:49 AM Re: When is enough enough? [Re: Esposa]
Valkyrie Offline


Registered: 04/27/12
Posts: 167
Is it really so clear? To say that this "one thing" is what will make me leave, really ends up being a combination of the little lie he didn't need to tell, the omission he should be speaking about, and/or the slip that throws us over an edge. We've all done it, made those compromises, those little deals with ourselves that we'll let it slide for now and deal with it later = "the unquantifiables"

When we step and look at things comprehensively, I think, it's then when we have these conversations in our heads, not in the day-to-day, which maybe is where we should be having that talk.

Yes, my recovery is light years beyond his, but when he slips, it sets me back to since a lot of my recovery is based on redeveloping trust, in him, the world, and myself. So in that sense, even inequity is a sliding scale.

The only hard and sure thing I know I will stick to is infidelity. If it happens again, I am gone. For good. No compromises.

Top
#456090 - 12/04/13 10:34 PM Re: When is enough enough? [Re: Esposa]
Esposa Offline
F&F Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 726
Loc: NJ
I get this, completely. And agree, I've made deals with myself. And often I wake up and find that the accumulation of those "little deals" has now got me so far off course that it takes inhuman effort to right myself. So I have resolved not to let things slide, go unaddressed. A lie is a lie. What's worse than a lie? A lie to cover self-destructive or numbing out behavior. Like I said in my first post, it's not another human being (RIGHT NOW) but the behavior is the same. The thought process is the same.

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#456189 - 12/06/13 11:18 AM Re: When is enough enough? [Re: Esposa]
sugarbaby Offline


Registered: 08/17/08
Posts: 371
Quote:
How can we, as spouses, forgive when the offenses keep piling up?


I can't. Having been through his melt down and back I have a few known rules that are set in stone.

H doesn't come home at night = H doesn't ever need to come home again.

H drinks = H doesn't ever need to come home again.

H puts anyone before me = H doesn't ever need to come home again.

There are more.

The last time he didn't come home (years ago) he was passed out drunk at his mother's house. He lied to me initially and then fessed up. I called her and asked her about it and she lied to me. H lived there for the next year and they paid every darn bill he wasn't able to pay.

You have to draw the line in the sand and stick to it sometimes.

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