Always like v-v's posts. A perspective I rarely see myself.
Do our spouses deserve better, sure. But so did we.
Do our spouses deserve the lies and deception, no, and neither did we.
You have done things you regret, so have I, and I would guess almost every person on the planet has as well. That is just a part of the human experience.
Secrets are the one thing we have control of. Another survivor posted the following, and it rings very true for me.
"When every conceivable sense of control is taken from you during a rape sometimes a secret is the only control you have left. It's the only thing you can keep to yourself, that is yours, and no one can take from you. It is no wonder survivors hold on to secrets for years, sometimes decades"
If you can't give yourself completely right now, it is what it is. Your lament tells me you want to though, and that can simply be one goal to work towards.
I have found that letting go of a secret here first, then with my T, makes it much easier to give it up with my wife. It is not without fear, but my load has been lightened as a result.
Take care of yourself, and try to recognize that, as much as we want all, and want it now, it takes time.
I am not my name, or my history, or the contents of my mind, I am the awareness behind of all this.
Formerly Adam A Gedman (AKA - A damAGed man)
But you can call me Kevin