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#45557 - 06/26/03 06:18 PM Seriously beginning to wonder...
ecb Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/04/03
Posts: 205
I'm sorry to muck up the board with my bitching but I really feel like I'm drowning here.

I'm out of work, living with my mother and driving a car that can barely get to town and back (and it's not even mine, it's my mothers second car.) I'm applying everywhere I can think of to get a job, and no one is interested in hiring me. The car needs fixing, inspection is due and I don't have the money for either one.

Add to that my SA crap has been getting worse lately. I've been remembering some other stuff, but I don't know if I'm really remembering it or just imagining what it must have been like, and I've had flashbacks really bad last week.

Everything just seems so fucking hopelss. I've been telling myself for the last two years that if I just keep trying and plugging away that things would pick up. they had to didn't they? I just don't believe that anymore. I try, but i'm just deluding myself more.

I find myself struggling more and more to find reasons not to just drive into a tree as fast as I can get my car to go. I could take out a life insurance policy so my mother would be taken care of and have an 'accident.' there's a lot of deer around here and I live in a pretty rural place, it would probably work.

i know that i promised my mom that I would try to stick around for her because I know she'd be so hurt if I died, but I just don't know if I can do it anymore. I'm trying and trying but I'm just so damn tireed and it just seems so damn useless to keep fighting.

i don't know why i'm even writing this. I don't expect that it'll do any good. i just don't know what to do. i've given all i've got and it just doesn't seem like it's enough.

i'm sorry to be rambling on about my personal crap. ill shut up now.


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#45558 - 06/26/03 06:28 PM Re: Seriously beginning to wonder...
godsrabbit Offline
Member

Registered: 06/18/03
Posts: 98
ecb,

you do not need to shut up...sometimes putting it in words is the best thing you can do in a given moment...

we are often powerless to change many things in our lives...and we allow that sense of powerlessness to leak into everything and permeate it until we cannot think straight...

i hope you will pull back and try to see broader than the things you cannot change...instead look around and see if there are not things you can change...even small changes can make a big difference in our perspective...

the biggest small change you can make is to be more gentle with yourself...you may feel hopeless at times, but you yourself are not hopeless...you willingness to post a kvetch is proof positive of your desire to keep fighting...

keep talking...there are many who will listen and understand in their own way the difficulty you are experiencing...

the crashing the car thing is no good...i am still trying to get my license back after running a stop sign and wrecking my own car...was not trying to kill myself, just playing chicken with God...i am stupid that way...

take care of yourself...


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#45559 - 06/26/03 06:47 PM Re: Seriously beginning to wonder...
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Eric
I'm glad you came here and shared that, it's the sort of crap that just sits inside us and gets worse.

So get it out, share the load with us.
We might not be able to offer you a job or that nice new Porsche to get you there, but we can offer you some support and friendship.

There's so many reasons not to drive into a tree that I don't know where to begin, it's easier to throw a reason NOT to do it at you.
You deserve to live, your family and friends, and all of us here want you to live.

You're a young man with a college education, and if the US is like the UK there is a lot of competition for the best jobs, but that's a fact of life for many guys like yourself, so don't lump it on top of your SA.
I know it sounds easy and condescending, and I don't mean it that way at all, but try to seperate your problems and devote some time to each rather than melting them all together.

But whatever you do, stick around and rant all you want.

Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#45560 - 06/26/03 08:52 PM Re: Seriously beginning to wonder...
Sans Logos Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/31/03
Posts: 5791
Loc: in my own world in pittsburgh,...
Eric,

It's not as hopeless as you feel right now. It seems as if your mom is very much interested in the availablility of your physical presence, and is therefore doing whatever she can to help you, to give balance to your life and provide you with the necessary means until things break through for you, no charge, no guilt?!.

Why not concentrate on the blessings. It is really special in these hard economic times to have this kind of support system such as you have in her. And don't forget about us here. We don't have any magic wands here, just the power of intercession, and by letting us know about your needs gives us the opportunity to double up on the requests for your help. Hey universe, are ya listening?!?!?!

I sure hope that you find the right job for you, because I know how important work is to me, and my sense of well-being, not to mention my self-image. I am a little embarassed to admit that if I didn't have a job, I would feel pretty worthless, and would probably work myself up into a suicidal funk, so I am glad I do have one. I have always been blessed to have work to keep me preoccupied, as it helps me not think so much about the, many, many many things I don't have. \:\)

Not to trivialize, but I think you have a lot going for you. You have your mom's support, you have all your faculties in tact, I assume, and you have us and all our prayers for your highest and best. I just pray you can soon come to believe and know that the glass is half full, not half empty.

Keep telling yourself: this too shall pass.

Your friend and brother,

Ron
ps: where should I send money...........just kiddin' ;\)

_________________________
  1. the past
  2. ReClaiming Now
  3. advocacy


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#45561 - 06/26/03 10:09 PM Re: Seriously beginning to wonder...
Wuamei Offline
Member

Registered: 08/19/02
Posts: 2700
Loc: The left turn I should have ta...
Quote:
i'm sorry to be rambling on about my personal crap. ill shut up now.
Eric, that's what this place is for ok? \:\)

victor

_________________________
"I can't stand pain. It hurts me."
--Daffy Duck

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#45562 - 06/26/03 10:38 PM Re: Seriously beginning to wonder...
outis Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/27/03
Posts: 2260
Loc: Maryland USA
Eric,

I think it was Dave (Lloydy) you said that when you bring your bad shit here to get it out, we divide up into such small pieces among us that it doesn't quite matter as much.

There are a lot of shoulders here, dude. And these guys are as tough as they come; they're survivors. So dump whatever crap you need to get rid of.

Personally, I'd rather you came here and told me how lame one of my jokes sounded than you go wreck your car. I've been in way too many car wrecks to believe that you're guaranteed to die, BTW. I've had Someone Upstairs watching out for me, but sometimes a car wreck leaves people worse than dead.

Q Why is duct tape like The Force?
A Because it has a dark side and a light side, and it keeps the universe together.

Your humor-impaired brother,

Joe

_________________________
"Telemachos, your guest is no discredit to you. I wasted no time in stringing the bow, and I did not miss the mark. My strength is yet unbroken…"—The Odyssey, translated by W.H.D. Rouse

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#45563 - 06/27/03 12:08 AM Re: Seriously beginning to wonder...
Leosha Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/18/03
Posts: 3614
Loc: Right here
I am very much sorry that you feel so like this. I know that last week, it is my mother, hurting her, that I do not end life. I still do not know much of how to feel better of this, how you can feel less like it is hopeless. I am thinking hope some the other day. It is like kid who builds castle on sand on beach, and the water comes up, the wave breaks it down. So the kid moves up higher on beach, and builds it, and waves get bigger and come up and break it down. The kid has the hope, the castle is the hope, and even with the break down of it, and having to make adjust to it, he still has the hope. To never build castle again, that is to lose hope. I do not know that this makes sense or helps, but I hope you keep to build castles. I will think of you and wish peace of your mind

_________________________
Avatar photo in memory of my younger brother Makar.

"Human salvation lies in the hands of the creatively maladjusted."~~~Martin Luther King Jr., 1963

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#45564 - 06/27/03 09:40 AM Re: Seriously beginning to wonder...
Wuamei Offline
Member

Registered: 08/19/02
Posts: 2700
Loc: The left turn I should have ta...
Quote:
Q Why is duct tape like The Force?
A Because it has a dark side and a light side, and it keeps the universe together.
Joe, here in the Deep South of the US of A duct take makes the world go round and duct tape goes around the world! So I like your joke. May the Force, I mean the Duct Tape, be with you! http://www.click-smilies.de/sammlung/starwars/star-wars-smiley-023.gif

Quote:
To never build castle again, that is to lose hope.
Leosha, thank you for sharing that powerful picture of hope with us!

Victor

_________________________
"I can't stand pain. It hurts me."
--Daffy Duck

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#45565 - 06/27/03 10:13 AM Re: Seriously beginning to wonder...
Sleepy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/08/02
Posts: 288
Loc: Arizona, USA
Eric,
Maybe it's the time of year, but I've been feeling really down myself. I'm not sure why life seemed insurmountable but it just did. When you want so bad to participate in life, rather than simply view it from the sidelines, it can get to you. At least it did for me. But I'm not yet about to give up on building my next sand castle.
Take care,
mike

_________________________
"It is good to have an end to journey toward; but it is the journey that matters, in the end."
--Ursula K. Le Guin

"Mental health is a commitment to reality at all times."
--M. Scott Peck

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#45566 - 06/27/03 05:54 PM Re: Seriously beginning to wonder...
ecb Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/04/03
Posts: 205
Thank you for your kind words here guys.

I know in my mind everything you are saying is true, but I just can't FEEL it. I feel like everything has been hopeless for so long that there is just no way that it's going to get better.

I don't know what else I ought to say here, but to thank you all again.

Eric


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#45567 - 06/27/03 09:21 PM Re: Seriously beginning to wonder...
The Dean Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 07/15/02
Posts: 2080
Loc: Milwaukee, WI
Eric, you are talking about feelings, and we probably all have times when we feel like it is has been too long with too little success. It is wretched to have those feelings.

Do you have some "tricks" that help you feel better when you are feeling that badly? Being with some kids I adore really helps me when I am down, certain kinds of music at certain times helps, walking in a park. There are a number of them that I have, because some times I find I feel so badly that I might have to use two or three before one of them works.

Thinking about it not being so bad is good. You mentioned that you KNOW what we are saying is correct--but you are talking about feelings, and lots of times, even the best of thoughts just don't work.

My prayer is that you find some feeling thing that will throw a switch and you will begin to feel really much happier and full of life.

Take care.

Bob

_________________________
If we do not live what we believe, then we will begin to believe what we live.

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#45568 - 06/27/03 09:43 PM Re: Seriously beginning to wonder...
outis Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/27/03
Posts: 2260
Loc: Maryland USA
Eric,

Bob is right. Feelings don't obey our thoughts, our logic, our commands. It's normal to feel bad over this stuff, and it's normal to get down over working so damn hard for so long.

Please do find something good that you can turn to, even if it's only for a short while. Re-read a favorite old book, pop in a tape of some comedy you've always liked. You don't have to find a "life saver" activity, just something to give you a chance to rest a little while from the worry.

Your work will bear fruit. Believe it, as you would ask one of us to believe it when we get down. Eventually, you will be able to feel it, too.

HTH,

Joe

_________________________
"Telemachos, your guest is no discredit to you. I wasted no time in stringing the bow, and I did not miss the mark. My strength is yet unbroken…"—The Odyssey, translated by W.H.D. Rouse

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#45569 - 06/28/03 05:00 PM Re: Seriously beginning to wonder...
Leosha Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/18/03
Posts: 3614
Loc: Right here
I read this again and respond at it again. I do not think of you bitching or your shit here. This is place to DO that! Because what one person think of as 'shit', another person see as insight, advice, and something that makes life better. To think of it: if only I were to post here, what the hell do I learn from myself? It is of everyone who says things here that we learn. It is with the sharing of good and bad that we learn. And we can gain strength if we see another who is fighting so hard as you. I wish you good things.

_________________________
Avatar photo in memory of my younger brother Makar.

"Human salvation lies in the hands of the creatively maladjusted."~~~Martin Luther King Jr., 1963

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#45570 - 06/29/03 02:35 AM Re: Seriously beginning to wonder...
bowman Offline
Member

Registered: 04/19/03
Posts: 72
Eric,
Hang in there, my thoughts are with you. Its hard for us survivors to really feel caring from people, so come back and reread the great posts these guys wrote, if that helps.

Ken


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#45571 - 06/29/03 05:46 PM Re: Seriously beginning to wonder...
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Joe, your jokes are geting worse man !! but don't let that stop you.... ;\) \:D

Leosha, I love the thought of a kid building sandcastles, wonderful image in my mind, thanks.

Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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