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#455402 - 11/29/13 12:04 AM Tricked by a transexual
nomad510 Offline


Registered: 04/02/13
Posts: 28
I'm very upset and traumatized right now. I have posted on this forum before and I was molested by my father when I was 8.

Luckily I have a friend that I can confide in and I told him what happened.

But I would like to get the advice and opinions of other CSA survivors on this.

I'm very emotionally distraught now and what this girl (or MTF transgendered person) did to me I believe should be a crime.

I was talking to this girl which I met online for abt 4 weeks. She was very attractive and no signs that she was not a natural born female. The first time we had sex it was rushed and I didn't really have time to notice anything different. But last night she came over and we went out to eat and came back and had sex twice. She stayed over and left in the morning. Obviously she was a post op transsexual. I won't go into detail but I can now say 100% that it was not a real woman. I know women and how they are with me sexually and I counted a dozen odd clues that point to the fact that this was not a real woman so please take my word for it.

Needless to say as a heterosexual man I am horrified to have learned this and very distraught. I was tricked I feel and if she told me in the beginning then that would have been fair and I could have made a decision but this way that she did it was very wrong in my opinion

Can I get some opinions from the board? My friend who is a good friend but also a party animal and has admittedly spent with a few himself was not that much support and kind of defended her even. It was good that I talk to him but he's also not very mature and capable of helping beyond that.

Please help. I plan on telling my therapist in a week. I'm feeling disgusted right now I even made myself puke today I was so mortified by what I found out.

Thank you.

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#455404 - 11/29/13 12:35 AM Re: Tricked by a transexual [Re: nomad510]
Cthulhu Online   sleepy
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/13/13
Posts: 132
Loc: Cascadia
Hey,

I am very sorry you are experience this trauma. But I find it difficult to reply. fist, I acknowledge your pain and your right to feel betrayed or tricked. But, I also want to stress that many trans people, especially after gender reassignment often do not consider themselves their sex and gender anything but what they present as. For transwomen in particular disclosure of their previous life or gender assigned at birth can be met with extreme violence. It is likely she felt that her previous gender identity irrelevant to who she is now. That she was not trying to trick or betray, but to be safe and move on with her life.

I am hoping I am not coming across as rude or like I am trying to devalue your experience. Sex is obviously a very sensitive aspect in the lives of everyone here.

I just think you can maybe reframe this to be something other than an attack on your sexuality and masculinity. You are still a man and you are still straight. This experience does not have to infringe on those identities for you.

I am sorry if this in unwelcome. If it is I can remove it, and I apologize.


-VoteCthuhu
_________________________
“what matters most is how well you walk through the fire”
-Charles Bukowski

some context

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#455407 - 11/29/13 12:46 AM Re: Tricked by a transexual [Re: nomad510]
nomad510 Offline


Registered: 04/02/13
Posts: 28
Wrong you're just flat out wrong.

Listen. I'm not threatened or think I'm gay now I'm not worried abt my sexuality. Im trying to make a point that this person mislead me in many ways to make me think she was a Natural born woman who could give birth to children if it ever came to it. Eventually if the relationship got serious she would have to disclose this.

This it not abt me trying to be macho or worry about my sexuality. This is beyond that and I should t have to defend myself.

This lady cannot expect me to take the same stance as her. If she was born a male the to me I was having sex with a male. But the issue is she mislead me and didn't Identify herself as a transgendered women as many women are doing now on dating sites like the one I met her on so it is not u uncommon and they don't have to worry about viloince. But trick a guy and he finds out? Then yea I would worry if I would worry if I were them. But not from me.

Is there anyone out there who can offer some support and understand this or do I just need to wait until I talk to my therapist lol what a joke.

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#455408 - 11/29/13 01:35 AM Re: Tricked by a transexual [Re: nomad510]
Cthulhu Online   sleepy
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/13/13
Posts: 132
Loc: Cascadia
I am sorry my words were unwelcome and unhelpful. I hope and except you can find the support you need from other users here.
_________________________
“what matters most is how well you walk through the fire”
-Charles Bukowski

some context

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#455411 - 11/29/13 02:08 AM Re: Tricked by a transexual [Re: nomad510]
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1466
Loc: New England
Whoa there nomad! No one accused you of anything. Take a breath man.

Lots of women misrepresent themselves in lots of different ways, so do men. Its part of the game. You seem sure of her being trans, but think of this woman's situation. She see's herself as a woman, and has had herself modified to look and feel the part. She may not consider herself to be a man masquerading as a woman, but rather a woman who was previously trapped in a man's body.

So when does someone in this position disclose her status to a date or sex partner? Online? First date? Before hitting the sheets? After? At all? Thats a personal decision no one else can answer for her. This is uncharted territory.

At the same time, you have a right to your feelings about this. I would say in general that a CSA/ASA survivor would be especially sensitive about this because of our history of being betrayed around sex. Finding out you were rolling around with a genetically male sex partner certainly could be very triggering. How's a guy supposed to feel about this? Some men, like your buddy, have no problem with it. Others would. Again, this is uncharted territory.

If I were in your situation, I think I just would end the relationship without confronting her about her gender identity, and then try to let go of it. Learning where NOT to put your penis is a part of being a man. Really. Consider this a lesson learned, and move on.

BTW, there's an old song by the Kinks about this situation, called "Lola" Here's the link: http://youtu.be/Ixqbc7X2NQY
"Girls will be boys and boys will be girls
It's a mixed up muddled up shook up world except for Lola"

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#455413 - 11/29/13 02:25 AM Re: Tricked by a transexual [Re: nomad510]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 3007
Loc: O Kanada
i understand what you are going through.

has this person confirmed your suspicions?

have you confronted her about it?

whenever someone conceals a vital fact about their history or personality,
which is discovered or disclosed after intimacy,
there is usually a feeling of betrayal.

we all have secrets.
fear keeps us from revealing them.
i figure the time to discuss this stuff is before the feelings start and the physical fun begins.

obviously this person did not care about your opinion regarding transsexuals, or was afraid of it.
i don't agree with what she did.
i would be upset, too.


surprise situations like the one you describe,
plus the emergence of HIV/AIDS in the 1980's,
is what inevitably drove me to celibacy
and finally monogamy and marriage.

prior to that, i would have sex with anyone anywhere anytime,
as long as i was attracted to them.
promiscuity was pure pleasure, with crappy consequences.
i got tired of sleeping with strangers.

i went from one extreme to the next.

i dated my wife for six months before we slept together.
before i let it get to that stage, i told her i was a rape victim, but i did not disclose details.

i did not want to deceive her about who she was getting into bed with.
as this person did with you.

you have every right to be upset.
you were not respected.
_________________________
Victor|Victim

War
Love
Poetry

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#455441 - 11/29/13 12:11 PM Re: Tricked by a transexual [Re: nomad510]
nomad510 Offline


Registered: 04/02/13
Posts: 28
I feel victimized and I feel raped by an undisclosed natural born male. In fact we were texting all week before this last meeting and they were very sexual and in her txt she kept on telling me she was going to rape me and that's what I feel like happened. Jude, no kind of trying to explain her side and trying to make me feel pity or feel sorry for her will make this feeling I'm experiencing now go away.

This is why I think this should be a crime and punishable by the law. I should be able to report her to authorities. These women (and she even told me that a lot of her friends are trannies) go to clubs and prey on unsuspecting straight men. These woman including the one I was with are typically very attractive but they really are not natural born women. They're not attracted to any other kind or gay men. I feel like it's concealment and deception and if that man every finds out during or after the fact then it could no doubt cause emotional trauma as in my case.

What do you expect me to do? Carry the burden and shame of this? Again like I also did for my father who molested me? Or do I not have a right here too? There is no advocate for the unsuspecting straight man in this case but in this case he was the victim. I feel disgusted by this.

And for those who are not familiar with the dating sites these days, there are many transexuals posting profiles but I know this because they put this front and center and let the person decide. This is how I met this person, on a dating sight and she led me to believe she was natural born and could eventually have kids. She even lied abt being on birth control.

I haven't confronted her yet but I'm thinking abt doing it by sending her an email. I just want to move on from this and will talk to my therapist about it.

I believe I am not out of line here and if we are going to accept transexuals into our society like we are already doing and having laws to protect them which we are already doing then we need laws to protect the other parties too. A simple disclosure on the profile or by text before meeting it all they need To do and many of them already get this. And don't need coddling or being felt sorry for and enable them to carry on a deception.

Victor, what you did with your wife was very honorable and respectful to her and thanks for your response and understanding.

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#455446 - 11/29/13 12:47 PM Re: Tricked by a transexual [Re: Jude]
nomad510 Offline


Registered: 04/02/13
Posts: 28
Originally Posted By: Jude



BTW, there's an old song by the Kinks about this situation, called "Lola" Here's the link: http://youtu.be/Ixqbc7X2NQY
"Girls will be boys and boys will be girls
It's a mixed up muddled up shook up world except for Lola"



And it doesn't matter if there's a song from the early 70s that made this cool or popularized it. I'm sure people didn't care much abt sexual abuse against boys either and brushed it under the rug.

I'm sorry if people think I'm being sensitive here but they are ignoring a very legitimate offense and you don't think it would bother you until you are the actual victim.

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#455451 - 11/29/13 01:17 PM Re: Tricked by a transexual [Re: nomad510]
KMCINVA Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 1540
You may need to talk to someone with knowledge in this area to help you sort out your emotions and feelings. I have no idea what to say or how to respond.

Take a deep breath and find someone who can help you. You do not want to let this experience control you and take away all your efforts in healing.

Good luck.

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#455496 - 11/29/13 07:56 PM Re: Tricked by a transexual [Re: nomad510]
George Offline
Member

Registered: 01/29/01
Posts: 120
Loc: NY metro

Nomad,

I think most men outside our group here would be pissed about being hoodwinked by a transsexual, there's no doubt in my mind. She/he may have their own issues for sure, but them being honest before the first meeting would be the smart way to handle things, especially if they are worried about violence. It's not like there aren't enough guys who get into trannies & cross dressers, if it's just a romp they are looking for.

Your right, I believe if your going out looking for a possible wife with children in mind, even if it's further in the back of your mind, being a trany and not disclosing that fact is wrong.

Yeah, even for self esteem & machismo reasons alone it's a betrayal & wrong. If getting what you need could hurt or violate someone else & you knowingly risk that other person, it's abusive in my mind.

Not a crime, but wrong just the same.

That all being said...I would've been one of the guys who wouldn't have minded, I used to act out with guys years ago, but I can certainly appreciate your position & your right to be upset.

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