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#455340 - 11/28/13 09:50 AM The trap
OCN Offline


Registered: 02/05/13
Posts: 238
Loc: Western Europe
Starting smoking MJ again.. frown for 7 months i was sober (probably one of the reasons the abuse came up) but last june i tried it again. And since im without a job, having a difficult time just to be sober.. it makes you feel so stupid, and yet.. i know its all good.. its just so damn hard to get back to a normal rhythm when there's nothing much to do which motivates you..


Dealing with abuse left me shocked
With all the emotions being blocked
Clean and sober i started the fight
Anger and hatred shone out bright
I just had to do it again
7 months sober but still no zen
Addiction still lives on in my mind
And that one hit was all it needed to find
Now i'm back at old level square
Guess it's something I have to bare
I don't want to smoke this amount
Yet buying it felt so sound
Can't live with or without you
Wished you didnt stick like superglue


Edited by OCN (11/28/13 09:53 AM)
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#455350 - 11/28/13 12:10 PM Re: The trap [Re: OCN]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 3349
Loc: O Kanada
i, too, am trapped in that torus.



eternal turning
inside out
infinite spinning
round and round and upside down

my empty soul
is a black hole
a grave, a cavity,
with massive gravity
a yawning abyss
of ignorant bliss


mary jane has been my girl for over forty years.
we started going steady when i was only twelve.

although we were separated at times,
and i dated other girls,
she was my soul mate.

i stayed faithful to her for most of my life,
but the honeymoon ended about a dozen years ago.
i am no longer in love.
i want a divorce.

after all this time, over 80% of my life,
i can hardly imagine a world without her.

my attempts to go it alone have all ended in flames.
i can manage anywhere from a few days to a couple months,
but when times get tough, when tension mounts and tempers flare, i hear her sweet siren's call.
at the first sign of trouble or trauma,
i fail, and fall for the false feeling of comfort i get when i fold.

depending on temporary external unhealthy expensive illegal solutions to permanent internal natural spiritual emotional mental problems is the very definition of insanity and ignorance.
and yet, as i sit here, with no supplies,
my mind is playing tricks on me.

sure, i've done it a couple of times.
everybody's crossed a few lines.
what's the big deal?
i can handle the situation.
hallucination of imagination.
nothing is really real.

i must admit, the stuff is sh!t.
it's a nasty habit and i gotta quit.
but i need another hit, just a little bit... more.
it's not like i'm completely hooked.
i may look a little crooked,
but i'm going straight...
to the corner store.

gotta buy me a bag of candy.
have to have to have it handy.
are you joking?
talking toking.

smoking, puffing, choking, coughing.
say it don't mean nothing.
but i'm building my own coffin.

ganja slave, it's all i crave
looking cool. acting brave.
but i'm digging my own grave.

here come the devil to sell me a shovel.
but i ain't dead yet,
and i'm dying for a cigarette.
_________________________
Victor|Victim

War
Love
Poetry

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#455352 - 11/28/13 12:45 PM Re: The trap [Re: OCN]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 3349
Loc: O Kanada
OCN,
your post has inspired me to make another attempt at losing my addiction.
i ran out of smoke last night.
starting right now, i am going to resist the urge to restock.
i will use every clean coping technique at my disposal.
today i am going to a bible study and i will say a little prayer with my pastor.
i promise to return and make a record here if i give in to temptation.
that will give me some idea just how long i can keep my commitment to sobriety.
i can already feel the encroaching peripheral pressure to purchase.
withdrawal is a nagging b!tch.
_________________________
Victor|Victim

War
Love
Poetry

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#455376 - 11/28/13 07:32 PM Re: The trap [Re: OCN]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 3349
Loc: O Kanada
i lasted until an hour ago.
pretty pitiful performance.
however, it was predictable.


lame excuse of the moment: i had to drive around today.
i hate driving. i had to get to eight different places.
pastor, doctor, lawyer, politician, business, stress, etc.
packed it all into one day because i had to borrow the car.
my ptsd from the car accident and injury early this year flared up when a lady almost ran into the side of my car.
so i added two more stops to the schedule.
old friend and then the park for some quiet time.

total time. 09:45 -> 14:45 = 5 hours.

not exactly a world record, and certainly not my personal best.
unfortunately, it was about average.
but it was an honest experiment, so i had to be honest.
i am disappointed, because i imagined i would do better,
having included objective outside observers.
obviously, even my own pride and public image are not motivation enough to abstain.

i guess i will give it another go in about a week or so when supply is zero.

VV vs. MJ
score
MJ - 1
VV - 0
_________________________
Victor|Victim

War
Love
Poetry

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#455423 - 11/29/13 06:17 AM Re: The trap [Re: OCN]
OCN Offline


Registered: 02/05/13
Posts: 238
Loc: Western Europe
wow victor

couldve written that! Knowing that its better to be off it, and yet always ending up with it.. to me its dealing with me being alone and not having anything serious or motivating to do. The boredom is such a trap..

I appreciate you sharing your story here.. it makes me realize we're in this together. I'm not the only one trying to climb out and getting pulled back in..

I guess i want too much from myself.. oh well.. i'll give it a shot today as well.. have a party in a different city, so i can leave the stuff home.. just have to stay low on the booze..

Cheers
Peter


Edited by OCN (11/29/13 06:20 AM)
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