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#455274 - 11/27/13 06:31 PM When I'm around my wife
Frustrated Offline


Registered: 10/28/13
Posts: 192
When I'm around my wife I am having high anxiety because I know I have to disclose my abuse to her. It's out of control chills shakes nausea anxiety. WTF

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#455289 - 11/27/13 09:49 PM Re: When I'm around my wife [Re: Frustrated]
gettingstronger Offline


Registered: 09/24/13
Posts: 154
Loc: Virginia
Frustrated, I SO know how you feel!

I don't know if there's an "easy" way to disclose something like this. For me, it took days to get up the courage.

One morning when the time seemed appropriate (we had just finished attempting to have sex with really disappointing results,) I just told her as follows:

"Honey, there's something I have to tell you. I'm not going to start getting better unless I can tell you this. When I was young, I was molested by someone." Then I burst into tears.

That was pretty much I could tell her at that point. I just GOT IT OUT. Her response could not have been better-- she hugged me, started crying, and said, "Oh honey, I had no idea! I'm SO, SO sorry!" Then she just held me. I told her at that point that I wanted to start seeing a therapist to begin to heal from it. She supported that too. We both cried for a while, but she offered no condemnation. She just said, "you know, that explains so much about you and sex. I want you to get better from this."

Don't torture yourself any longer. Don't even stress out about crazy things like she'll leave you, she'll think badly of you, and so on. You need to get this out. You'll need her to help you heal.

My wife made me the following promise: The next day after I told her and she had a chance to get her thoughts about her, she told me, "I'm here if you want to talk about it. On the other hand, you don't need to feel like you have to talk about it if you don't want to." She left the door open, and more importantly, she left all the control in MY hands. When I come home from appointments with my T, she just asks, "Did it go ok?" I'm free to say whatever I want, or not. I hope your wife will see how important it is to have an understanding like this.

Best of everything to you. I KNOW HOW AWFULLY HARD THIS IS. Take care.

Bob
_________________________
Don't let "three steps forward and two steps back" bother you. Thirty steps forward and twenty back are still ten steps in the right direction.

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#455307 - 11/28/13 12:20 AM Re: When I'm around my wife [Re: Frustrated]
don64 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/13
Posts: 665
Loc: St. Croix, USVI
Hi Frustrated,

A regional manager I worked with decades ago said something I have always remembered-"bad news does not age well." That seems to be true for me. My abuse issues are poison me. And, they have only become more toxic for me with time, and with time I have become less and less able to contain the toxicity.

I hope you are able to know that ALL OF YOU is lovable, Frustrated. And, the only way that all of you can be loved is to share all of you. I have read that vulnerability is the secret to enjoying the physical life. I hope you are able to draw on all parts of your self. You are much more than your abuse.

Don
_________________________
Divine Law is not judgment or denial of self truths. Divine Law is honoring harmony that comes from a peaceful mind, an open heart, a true tongue, a light step, a forgiving nature, and a love of all living creatures. Jamie Sams & David Carson, Medicine Cards

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#455314 - 11/28/13 12:56 AM Re: When I'm around my wife [Re: Frustrated]
tbkkfile Offline


Registered: 09/16/13
Posts: 163
Loc: Surrey, United Kingdom
Frustrated - from someone who has only recently disclosed to their wife I know how you feel, but I have to say that it was liberating, I got the same supportive feedback as gettingstronger and for her it allowed her to make a lot of connections regarding my behaviour and realizations in our relationship, we are stronger because of it.

Its not a panacea but its a damn good place to start.

Take care of yourself

David
_________________________
Go back?" he thought. "No good at all! Go sideways? Impossible! Go forward? Only thing to do! On we go!" So up he got, and trotted along with his little sword held in front of him and one hand feeling the wall, and his heart all of a patter and a pitter

J.R.R.Tolkien, The Hobbit

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#455316 - 11/28/13 01:09 AM Re: When I'm around my wife [Re: Frustrated]
Frustrated Offline


Registered: 10/28/13
Posts: 192
I go back and forth about telling her but I know I have to it is mentally and physically destroying me. I know the anticipation is probably worse than the confession. I hope I don't know my wife as well as I think I do. It will never be full disclosure but at least it's a start

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#455326 - 11/28/13 05:55 AM Re: When I'm around my wife [Re: Frustrated]
Johnathan Offline


Registered: 02/23/12
Posts: 10
Loc: canada
I shared with my wife some information about one abuser who was my grandfather but not the other three. I think it is because perhaps she might take it that one person I can understand but three more?
I was surprised to have her share with me that she too had been abused by a family member. We don't talk about it much but we know the pain. I am hoping this site will help me get the strength to share more over time. I am beginning to recognize that most of my problem is intimacy and not sex for I have never felt loved and it is for this reason I believe I cannot receive it.
I even have difficulty receiving gifts, compliments or positive feedback. It makes me feel very uncomfortable. This is the same feelings with my wife as anyone else.

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#455329 - 11/28/13 07:33 AM Re: When I'm around my wife [Re: Johnathan]
traveler Online   confused
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3363
Loc: somewhere in Africa
Originally Posted By: Johnathan
I am beginning to recognize that most of my problem is intimacy and not sex for I have never felt loved and it is for this reason I believe I cannot receive it.
I even have difficulty receiving gifts, compliments or positive feedback. It makes me feel very uncomfortable. This is the same feelings with my wife as anyone else.


SPOT-ON!!!

excellent insight, Johnathan. that has been my experience, too.

yes - discussing your issues with others here can help you to be more in real life. and that leads to more true intimacy - and that makes all the rest of life and relationships better.

LEE
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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#455348 - 11/28/13 12:01 PM Re: When I'm around my wife [Re: Frustrated]
Frustrated Offline


Registered: 10/28/13
Posts: 192
I am beginning to recognize that most of my problem is intimacy and not sex for I have never felt loved and it is for this reason I believe I cannot receive it.
I even have difficulty receiving gifts, compliments or positive feedback. It makes me feel very uncomfortable. This is the same feelings with my wife as anyone else. THIS IS ON POINT

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#455369 - 11/28/13 04:18 PM Re: When I'm around my wife [Re: Frustrated]
On The Fringe Offline


Registered: 09/21/13
Posts: 326
Loc: Southeast USA
I have shared with my wife a few times that there were episodes of bad abuse. I have shared with a woman in AA that's was a victim of CSA. She said she thought so. Shocked me a little. I think women are very aware usually of emotional damage.

The woman I told was very kind and understanding. She said something that I was surprised by. She asked if the bastard was ever punished.

I was shocked. I idolized my abuser. Had always thought I consented deep down. It was that comment and spending time here that helped me see that I did not consent. I was the victim of a crime. He was a criminal.

I have not shared details with my wife. There is no pressure. At the right time I will. I am at peace with that. It is a process for me. I am getting better slowly. No quick fix.

I hope you find our balance on the time and place to share what you feel comfortable talking about.
_________________________
I feel more like I do now than I did when I got here.

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#456093 - 12/04/13 11:02 PM Re: When I'm around my wife [Re: gettingstronger]
staypositive Offline


Registered: 12/03/13
Posts: 10
Loc: nj
Told my wife two days ago to the same reaction. I love her so much more because of it.

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