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#455098 - 11/26/13 06:17 AM Shouldn't death of abusers heal a little?
Johnathan Offline


Registered: 02/23/12
Posts: 10
Loc: canada
Three out of four of my abusers are deceased and why is their wrongdoings still so strong. I have tried to forgive but I am not sure how to do this because I am not there yet.
It is only recently that I even realized the living abuser actually did abuse me. I realized when he was probably 14 I was 8, we became friends over the years and I was always feeling sorry for him because he too was probably abused based on stats. It does not make sense that I would feel empathy for him. The last four years or so I finally came to terms of what happened and I have and will distanced myself from him.

So back to my topic, I wish I could find a day where these people do not come into my mind. I am tired of feeling unhappy. I feel like two people most days as I am on top of my game in terms of work but in my personal life I feel like I am a mess.

I am enjoying reading and learning.

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#455104 - 11/26/13 07:23 AM Re: Shouldn't death of abusers heal a little? [Re: Johnathan]
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1489
Loc: New England
Hey Johnathan,

I'm afraid there is no "formula" for healing. It takes whatever it takes for any one person. Please don't let this discourage you. Keep looking for the keys to YOUR healing. It will come.

Be well,

Jude
_________________________
"But now old friends are acting strange,
they shake their heads, they say I've changed.
Something's lost but something's gained in living every day
....it's life's illusions I recall, I really don't know life at all. "
Joni Mitchell

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#455118 - 11/26/13 11:16 AM Re: Shouldn't death of abusers heal a little? [Re: Johnathan]
don64 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/13
Posts: 601
Loc: St. Croix, USVI
Hi Johnathan,

I can so understand your frustration and impatience. It can be very difficult to "watch yourself" in pain or in stress and not feel able to have an impact on it. Your own psyche knows what you can handle and when you can handle it. I feel it is extremely important to learn to trust your own natural processes. The tools you will need to clear on this abuse will have to be tools that reside in YOU, they will not be tools that exist only outside you. The damage to you was done early and imprinted early.

Look at yourself as if you are a young child, and allow yourself now to be protective of yourself as a young child. Know that a natural and healthy process exists inside yourself that will guide you. If in doubt, do nothing. Right action is obvious. These issues are not issues that can be hurried, and you will hurt yourself in some way if you try to hurry or force things. It was through an abuse of power that you were hurt and that you are hurt. Respect yourself's natural knowing in the healing process.

Just my opinion,

Don
_________________________
Divine Law is not judgment or denial of self truths. Divine Law is honoring harmony that comes from a peaceful mind, an open heart, a true tongue, a light step, a forgiving nature, and a love of all living creatures. Jamie Sams & David Carson, Medicine Cards

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#455119 - 11/26/13 11:38 AM Re: Shouldn't death of abusers heal a little? [Re: Johnathan]
SoccerStar Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/15/12
Posts: 915
Loc: New York
God, I hope it does help when he dies. I think about it so much, maybe too much.
_________________________
My story

"Don't think it hasn't been a little slice of heaven just because it hasn't!" --Bugs Bunny

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#455144 - 11/26/13 05:25 PM Re: Shouldn't death of abusers heal a little? [Re: Johnathan]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3322
Loc: somewhere in Africa
the step-dad who abused me died years ago. it did not automatically resolve anything for me. i was in therapy at the time. that did more to help me than his death. it did help that i could go visit my mom if i wanted to without him being there. but i still had all the issues from before - felt like i was constantly under his scrutiny, criticism, and censure.

there was a long gap in my therapy before i resumed seeking to grow and progress again. i stayed stuck at that point until i started working at it again. the fact that he had been dead for years made no difference.

whatever healing or recovery or restoration i have achieved wasn't dependent upon HIS nearness or presence or life or death or his actions or inaction since the end of the abuse when i was in my teens - it was dependent upon MY changing my thinking and gaining understanding and allowing myself to feel the stifled emotions and anger and to re-set my attitude and perspective and self-image.

THAT is something that can happen whether the perp is alive or dead - known or unknown. other perps in my life are about my age - i have lost track of them and it is irrelevant to me whether they are dead or alive. another was a stranger - no way i would ever know anything about him. fortunately, i am not limited by any of them. it is all up to me. i am getting better - and i have not given up yet.

LEE
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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#455154 - 11/26/13 07:47 PM Re: Shouldn't death of abusers heal a little? [Re: Johnathan]
don64 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/13
Posts: 601
Loc: St. Croix, USVI
YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY TRAVELER!
_________________________
Divine Law is not judgment or denial of self truths. Divine Law is honoring harmony that comes from a peaceful mind, an open heart, a true tongue, a light step, a forgiving nature, and a love of all living creatures. Jamie Sams & David Carson, Medicine Cards

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#455162 - 11/26/13 09:27 PM Re: Shouldn't death of abusers heal a little? [Re: Johnathan]
Johnathan Offline


Registered: 02/23/12
Posts: 10
Loc: canada
Thanks for the notes. I know what you are saying and fully agree. I think these are the reasons I have managed to do well in my work life. I try and release them from my memory and not let them rule from the grave. I go for quite some time and do manage to not let them overpower me but there are also days when they take over. I know I will be ok when I start to share more. Thank you for taking the time to respond to my post.
I will continue to learn from all of you.

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#455163 - 11/26/13 10:11 PM Re: Shouldn't death of abusers heal a little? [Re: Johnathan]
KMCINVA Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 1564
I do not know if death of abuser heals. Some harbor feelings of being special to the abuser while at the same time hating the abuser. I think it depends on how one has handled the abuse and the damage done. It is not a simple answer.

To keep them out of your mind, you need to heal and accept the abuse. It is not an easy process. You need to put the abuser in his place and not allowing him/them to control you.

Take your time, share when you are ready and remain being safe is very important.

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#455166 - 11/27/13 12:51 AM Re: Shouldn't death of abusers heal a little? [Re: Johnathan]
DavoSwim Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/06/13
Posts: 315
Loc: Iowa, USA
Hi

2 of my 4 abusers are dead. The only relief is I know they can't any other boys. Regarding my own healing, it doesn't help. They're dead, and I'm unable to get closure, because they don't go through the judicial process and be tried for their crimes. There is not punishment here on earth. I have to believe that in the afterlife they will receive their just punishment.

For me personally, no questions will ever be answered. I will never know why they picked me or why they abused any kid, for that matter. It seems I will forever be left with questions for which there are no answers.

I thought that the deaths of my perps would bring me relief, but it hasn't turned out that way.

Dave

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#455167 - 11/27/13 01:09 AM Re: Shouldn't death of abusers heal a little? [Re: Johnathan]
ThisMan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/22/13
Posts: 767
Loc: upper south
Jonathon,

I have developed a habit during the last 6 months of going on line to the local obits and searching for the name of the last abuser who had me. How morbid is that? And like you, I think about this sob every day.

If I did indeed find him listed among the obituaries, I don't know what my reaction would be. But one thing for certain is that I might feel safe after all this time.
_________________________
For now we see through a glass, darkly.



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