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#455092 - 11/26/13 04:49 AM Disassembling and then reassembling myself
tbkkfile Offline

Registered: 09/16/13
Posts: 343
Loc: Surrey, United Kingdom
I guess that a part way through my journey of healing I came to the realization that I'd learnt early on in life many dysfunctional traits. I'm now 54 and my CSA happened when I was 11 through to 12. I've suffered from dissociation, addiction, and self-destructive tendencies throughout my life so far, and the penny dropped earlier on that to deal with this I'd have to for the first time in my life be honest with myself, accept my bad traits and deal with them, find my good traits and build on them, I'd also have to open the Pandora’s room in my mind and release the monster that I'd locked in there over 40 years ago, face it and defeat it.

To digress for a minute is it me or my little self locked in there that likes to look at things through the eyes of a child? I see my CSA as being locked in a room inside my head, the things that happened became a monster which had a physical presence, my little me with his armour and sword has kept the dragon at bay. My head/brain/thought processes can be looked at, poked at, examined by a third party which is in fact a dispassionate me "pass the scalpel nurse I need to cut out this canker, then we will rebuild him" or is this the ramblings of a crazy old fool.

So is disassembling and then reassembling myself possible, can I look at myself through plain glass and face who I am, I guess that the answer so far is yes it does seem possible, its hurt, there's been days darker than any I've known but I've reached a point in my life where I've disclosed to my wife, my addiction is at bay, and most importantly I actually feel alive, I have a future, my little me is saying that the colours are brighter, bless him, the world's no longer grey.
To look up and not down,
To look forward and not back,
To look out and not in

#455097 - 11/26/13 06:02 AM Re: Disassembling and then reassembling myself [Re: tbkkfile]
Johnathan Offline

Registered: 02/23/12
Posts: 10
Loc: canada
Reading your post I see me. How often have I felt if I could only take out my brain and reprogram myself. It is strange that other people see the good in me and yet I don't see what they see. When I shave I don't even see me. Not sure why I feel this way but I need to continue to self discover. In my area I have very limited resources or help I can access. Also, I am not in a place of trust where I can start to speak about my past. I am not sure but is this thought process a type of dissasociation.
I know the person I know as God has taken me through many storms. I have only shared so much with my wife but not all. I cannot recall ever been happy and I am now almost 55 but when my headspace goes back to my past I feel 8 years old.
I do not have one day where my past does not haunt me. I continue to do things I do not enjoy but I still do it. I wish I knew why. Thanks for your note for it got me thinking. I luckily have not had addiction issues but a lot of my family has so I am learning as much as I can about the dreaded disease. I have also seen so much success in this area and I wish you strength and encouragement as you work towards managing it.


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