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#454977 - 11/25/13 12:17 AM Re: Blaming from Family [Re: JayBro]
WriterKeith Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/10
Posts: 918
Loc: southern California
Jay,
Oh how I wish I could convey how much I can relate with your situation about being blamed.

I traveled the road from being assaulted by my father, being laughed at and mocked for my symptoms of abuse, and then being blamed for the assaults by my mother. My mother said, "It's your own fault; you must have done something to entice it," and my father said, "You got what you asked for."

It's a prevalent situation, so don't feel alone or singled out, and certainly don't feel to blame. You're making solid and wise choices toward healing.

Keep on the path; they didn't protect and nurture you, but you can do it for yourself!

_________________________
Keith
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5JfvAPZGjds

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#454993 - 11/25/13 06:04 AM Re: Blaming from Family [Re: JayBro]
don64 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/13
Posts: 557
Loc: St. Croix, USVI
Hi JayBro,

NEWSFLASH! You are the only person that can figure out what you need and how to take care of yourself. Taking healthy care of yourself does not diminish anyone. If they suggest that it is a crock. You have consistently described insensitivity and manipulation from your mother and simply insensitivity from your father. That is all on them, not on you. They will have to deal with the consequences of their choices. It's a law of the universe. And, you will have to deal with the consequences of your choices. Choose yourself in positive loving ways. That does not diminish your parents. It does not sound like there is much to gain by engaging them, period.

Pull your energies into yourself and focus on your own growth. It sounds like sailing out of port as quietly and as quickly as possible is the healthy choice for you, and it sounds like that is exactly what you are doing. This is a good opportunity to learn to not engage energy that is not supportive of who you are. Just because they are your parents does not mean they are able to value you or even see you. In fact, it seems there interests are personal at your expense. Do not engage. Learn to quietly erect some boundaries WITHIN yourself and let them be themselves without you needing to change them. You can't. You are the only one you can ever change. And, as you change yourself, you influence the world. You are the most important person for you. Take very good care of you. Sometimes growing quietly is a good thing. Just my opinion.

Don

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#455490 - 11/29/13 06:27 PM Re: Blaming from Family [Re: JayBro]
JayBro Offline


Registered: 11/13/12
Posts: 241
Loc: Germany
Hey Don,

Thank you so much for your insight. You are absolutely right and I think your metaphor of the ship sailing out of port as quietly and quickly as possible fits the situation perfectly. I am more or less working on my goals which will be geared towards my independence. Financing my living expenses, being able to pay for my therapist on my own, and paying for my flight to my future job and schooling opportunities abroad are all part of the plan. In addition to working, I am also devoting my time to volunteering at two different places: a national LGBTQ human rights lobby and a child sexual abuse investigation and support site.

I am so greatful to all of the supportive comments I have been receiving. My goals for personal growth are sometimes met with doubt or fear as sailing into any unfamiliar territory is nerve-racking and can be met with stormy weather conditions wink But it always helps to see my lighthouses and bouys which guide me along.

Much love,

Nick
_________________________
H.U.G.S.- Helping Us Grow Spiritually

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#455554 - 11/30/13 08:38 AM Re: Blaming from Family [Re: JayBro]
KMCINVA Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 1540
I think you need to take charge of your life. Sometimes a parent is blinded by there need to be loved and the center of a child's life. You need to pursue opportunities important to you and not your mother. Your mother should talk to someone about her own issues--to tell or demonstrate she loves you above your dad is not normal.

Blaming you for the abuse is a guilt technique, to weaken you and keep you under her control. She is not happy and lacked something in her life. Everything seems to go back to childhood. You are stronger than many, I have seen children talk of not having freedom but fall back and live a life under a parent's thumb. They loose friends or never truly have a friend, disown or belittle people and never find happiness. They fall into the trap and treat others in a way they did not wanted to be treated. You need to find happiness--pursue the opportunities before you.

Also remember the abuse and everything else about the abuse is not your fault--you are growing and deserve the life you seek.

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#455619 - 11/30/13 08:59 PM Re: Blaming from Family [Re: JayBro]
don64 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/13
Posts: 557
Loc: St. Croix, USVI
JayBro,

Some thoughts:

1. Taking healthy care of yourself does not diminish others. It introduces health and honesty in a situation.

2. We do not learn by enabling dysfunctional situations.

3. If your parents are lonely in old age, it will be a consequence of their life choices, not yours.

4. If you are lonely in old age, it will be a consequence of your life choices, not theirs on anyone else's.

5. Emotional pain is a sign that something is not working right and seems to be the primary impetus for how we grow.

6. Trying to prevent someone else's emotional pain doesn't really work. It is not possible. I am the only person who can prevent my emotional pain by working THROUGH it and learning the lessons I need to. That way, my experiences become a part of supporting me on my journey instead of tearing me down. It's the way I develop wisdom and understanding. It seems to be the soul's journey and the way we evolve.

7. You can't do your parents work for them. You can only do your own.

Good Luck,

Don

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#460912 - 02/16/14 11:48 PM Re: Blaming from Family [Re: JayBro]
JayBro Offline


Registered: 11/13/12
Posts: 241
Loc: Germany
Thank you both KMCINVA and Don for your messages of support and advice.

In the last month I have had the courage to bring up my abuse to my parents because it has been more relevant to what I am doing (i.e. volunteering at a support centre for abuse victims as well as visiting it regularly for my own recovery). It has helped in that I have been able to relay messages to my parents of what I would like from them during my journey and straight up facts about the difficulty for victims to disclose and seek help (and the stigma which is often a powerful agent in creating said difficulty). I want their understanding, I want them to quit their victim-blaming, I want them to not think of my abuse as shameful and silence-worthy, I want them to address my sexuality, and I want their acknowledgement and acceptance of my life plans.

I told my mother that this journey has changed my life and I may want to pursue a career to help develop resources for sexual trauma survivors. It is a big part of who I am in an increasingly empowering way and she has been taking note of that.

Things are changing, and the truth in what you both said is coming through and becoming integrated into my worldview. I could never cut my parents out of my life completely, however I can be more assertive and honest without disappointment if they don't want to change but also without underestimation of their capacity to change. Likewise, I am becoming less afraid of moving abroad and living alone again as I trailblaze the next chapter in my life.
_________________________
H.U.G.S.- Helping Us Grow Spiritually

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#460915 - 02/17/14 02:45 AM Re: Blaming from Family [Re: JayBro]
don64 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/13
Posts: 557
Loc: St. Croix, USVI
Congratulations JayBro. I'm happy to see you consciously being with yourself throughout this. I don't always make choices that bring me happiness, but I do always learn from my choices. Learning to bring the focus back to myself and to not blame others has been the point where I am able to bring freedom in my life.

I'm happy you are finding some understanding with your parents, and, in my mind, like all things, what you are finding is understanding and gaining experience of yourself. I was 53 before remembering paternal abuse and 63 before remembering maternal abuse. Bringing the abuse into consciousness and walking through it has been the answer for me in terms of releasing the debilitating effects of the abuse. I am happy to say that today, and I mean today literally, I am able to see and make some healthy FEELING life choices I was not able to yesterday. It really is a process, and it is never ending. For me, the strength to move through situations in life is coming from me learning healthy patterns that I can use in any situation and generalize to any situation. That way, I'm not dependent on what others do, who others are, but am able to rely on my own feelings and consciously make choices for myself.

It is so uplifting to me to see folks as young as yourself have the opportunity and energy to look at life in a personal and conscious way.

Congrats again,

Don

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#460962 - 02/17/14 03:35 PM Re: Blaming from Family [Re: JayBro]
JayBro Offline


Registered: 11/13/12
Posts: 241
Loc: Germany
Thank you Don!

I think I have been aided by a society with more exposure on these issues and I had already adopted a pattern of wanting to seek out... honesty? Wisedom? Maturity? I don't know what to call it, but I always had a certain motivation to make the most of this life and constantly push myself to go the road that is less easy and less common. (I personally believe in some form of reincarnation, so perhaps my inner self is actually quite old?)

I am quite sure that your journey has been and will continue to be very meaningful and amazing. I find my best supports from good friends who act as my family. Lately, I have begun to see my therapist as a personal mentor and somewhat of an older gay father-figure. Those supports give me the courage to stand up to my family and tell them "how it is" and apply what I have learnt from volunteering and from therapy to real-life application. I feel like life is too short for bullshyte.

I can also absolutely agree with your statement that the inner strength to move through situations is rooted in learning healthy patterns to be used in any situation.

Thank you for your support. I am inspired by my counterparts like yourself from previous generations who have had to experience so much and go on without already established support networks/services. Congratulations to YOU- YOU MADE IT!!
_________________________
H.U.G.S.- Helping Us Grow Spiritually

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