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#454959 - 11/24/13 08:28 PM Blue Sunday
flightmedic38 Offline


Registered: 09/13/13
Posts: 78
Loc: Kansas
Hello everyone,
Forcing myself to continue to post how I am feeling and hoping it will help. Today I am blue, anxious and well just sick of feeling sad. I know that each and everyone of us have good days and bad. This has been a total roller coaster for me. I have an amazing T and he is becoming one of my best friends. I also have an amazing friend on MS (you know who you are). My life just seems to be everything I ever wanted with black clouds hanging over it. I have beautiful healthy vibraint children. I am extremely proud of and a bit over protective over. My wife and I have had our ups and downs and we are trying very hard to reconnect, somedays are better than others. She is so strong and loves me just not sure she knows how to help me. I wish I could tell her but I dont even know myself.
Someone posted earlier today about a better tomorrow. Well that's my hope everyday is a better tomorrow. I hope each and everyone of us have a better tomorrow. I long for the day to have a postive out look. Maybe it will happen maybe it won't. I am fighting thru this for my family if it was not for them I wouldn't fight mainly because I don't feel worth fighting for.
The pitty parties I have are getting harder to hide obviously, and all the postive response that each of the strongest men I have ever read about help they don't cure..Thats what I feel like I have an incureable dieasease. I lived for 31 years not knowing I was infected by CSA and now it feels like a death sentence.

Flight
_________________________
Either get to living or get to dying!!!!! Shawshank redemption

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#454965 - 11/24/13 10:17 PM Re: Blue Sunday [Re: flightmedic38]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3298
Loc: back in the USA
Flight -

i don't want to make you feel worse - nor do i want to build up false expectations. so - that being said - please don't take this as criticism or a discouraging word or some unreal promise - just my observations and experience.

look at the date you joined us - just over 2 months ago. i think you are placing some pretty high expectations on yourself - to be so much "better" by now. that is not a very long time. it may seem like it to you - but compared to the rest of your life - not so much. you have been through a lot, even prior to coming here, man. give yourself a break - let up on the pressure and reduce the stress you are putting yourself under. i KNOW how it is to want to be over it RIGHT NOW. unfortunately - it doesn't work that way - not for me - not for you - not for anyone.

it is NOT incurable - not that everything will ever be perfect - but it isn't perfect for non-survivors either. however, it can be SO much better. hang on. don't beat yourself up so much. keep working at it - but maybe ease up a little - huh? you will get there.

Lee
_________________________
We are often troubled, but not crushed;
sometimes in doubt, but never in despair;
there are many enemies, but we are never without a friend;
and though badly hurt at times, we are not destroyed.
- Paul, II Cor 4:8-9

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#454973 - 11/24/13 11:32 PM Re: Blue Sunday [Re: flightmedic38]
Frustrated Offline


Registered: 10/28/13
Posts: 192
Come on man keep putting it our there. I am so screwed up and have so many issues. Csa has destroyed me. If I can keep drugging along so can you. Never give up.

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#454978 - 11/25/13 12:20 AM Re: Blue Sunday [Re: flightmedic38]
flightmedic38 Offline


Registered: 09/13/13
Posts: 78
Loc: Kansas
Lee,
I wish I knew how to slow down... I feel like when I slow down is when it catches me.. My T has me try to put into a box and lock it up until our next session. That worked for awhile. I could deal with CSA if I did have this damn PTSD getting in the way.. I am fighting the only way I know how. I will continue to fight until I can't hopefully that day never comes. I have read the posts about this is not a suicide forum and that is not my intentions and I hope I am not giving that impression. I have come a long way in a short time... Thank you all for the encouragement.

Frustrated I am glad to see you back.....

Flight
_________________________
Either get to living or get to dying!!!!! Shawshank redemption

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#454979 - 11/25/13 12:25 AM Re: Blue Sunday [Re: flightmedic38]
Frustrated Offline


Registered: 10/28/13
Posts: 192
Flight Guys here talked me down and I saw a reason to stay. Because of people like you

James

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#454990 - 11/25/13 05:43 AM Re: Blue Sunday [Re: flightmedic38]
don64 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/13
Posts: 559
Loc: St. Croix, USVI
Hi Flight,

I've been here about 6 weeks maybe, and feel in the same boat you are in. I've been a hermit for years, 64, began remembering abuse from my father 11 years ago, and began remembering abuse from my mother this year. My life was pretty fucked up always but I didn't understand why until 11 years ago--then the pieces started falling together.

I have a really hard time with falling into a negative, hopeless, helpless spiral periodically, like now! Joining MS was a booster rocket to my healing process, and I have moved THROUGH a lot of shit, moved much deeper into my abuse issues, and have healed on much stuff. For me, I can intellectually see I have made an enormous amount of movement in a short time, but why don't I feel better? Well, I know the answer to that. I've uncovered a lot more stuff, picked up a lot more tools to deal with it, AND, yes there is more work to do. I just often forget this is a process and I have to learn I often just need to rest and do whatever I can to chill and bring some even small measure of peacefulness and fun to my life.

By the way. It has taken this post for me to calm down, stop hyperventilating, and say "OK, I don't have to do anything. I don't have to work on this crap right now. It's OK to just stop and relax. It's OK to just have a little fun.

Thanks for the topic flight, and thanks for the posts Lee and Frustrated. I really needed this right now.

Don
_________________________
Divine Law is not judgment or denial of self truths. Divine Law is honoring harmony that comes from a peaceful mind, an open heart, a true tongue, a light step, a forgiving nature, and a love of all living creatures. Jamie Sams & David Carson, Medicine Cards

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#455015 - 11/25/13 12:46 PM Re: Blue Sunday [Re: flightmedic38]
flightmedic38 Offline


Registered: 09/13/13
Posts: 78
Loc: Kansas
Hey guys,
Thanks for the support. MS men are the most evolved and amazing men I have ever meet. I wish nothing but the best for each and everyone of you. I can't put in to words what this site has meant to me...

Take care everyone
Flight
_________________________
Either get to living or get to dying!!!!! Shawshank redemption

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#455022 - 11/25/13 01:42 PM Re: Blue Sunday [Re: flightmedic38]
DavoSwim Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/06/13
Posts: 313
Loc: Iowa, USA
Flight,

Your story resonated with me. I definitely relate. I've been here for 11 months. I carried the shame of CSA with me for 40 years before finding MS. This group of guys has been instrumental in helping me heal, and I know you will likely have the same feeling. I think back to where I was when I joined and how far I've come and it's remarkable. The same will hold true for you. Nevertheless, there are times when the past rears its ugly head and impacts my thoughts and actions. It's awful, but it happens and I have to deal with it. You are doing extremely well. All the lessons you're learning and the skills you're acquiring will help make it through the rough times. Celebrate the progress and the good times. You have a great deal to be proud of. Then tackle the down days - they will pass and you'll be able to get back to the good days. Good luck to you

Dave

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#455033 - 11/25/13 04:08 PM ! [Re: flightmedic38]
Smalltown80sBoy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/25/12
Posts: 2217
!


Edited by Smalltown80sBoy (02/28/14 10:37 PM)

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#455045 - 11/25/13 08:14 PM Re: Blue Sunday [Re: flightmedic38]
BraveFalcon Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/25/13
Posts: 1087
Loc: The ATL

Hi Flight. So sorry to hear you were having a blue Sunday. Hopefully today has you in better spirits. (Although I realize it is a Monday and everything.) Believe me, I know how it is to feel mired in seemingly hopeless and endless sadness, even when you know you have things to be thankful for. I've recently been in the process of trying to claw my way out of a very suicidal period myself. Like you, part of that process is trying to change my outlook on a lot of things. Changing that about myself is going to be extremely difficult, as thinking positive seems so counter intuitive to me. I've been a negative thinker pretty much my whole life, since I was a little kid. Rewiring myself to think about things from a more positive perspective isn't going to be easy, but I think it may be possible and if it's possible for me, it's probably possible for anyone.

Like others have already stated, dealing with the issues you are battling is a long and challenging road. There are going to be ups and downs along the way. Most of the guys I've spoken to here will tell you that recovery from these things requires a lot of baby steps, and they are not always going to feel like steps forward. Sometimes you'll have to takes steps back before you can take two or more forward. There are going to be times that are going to hurt. When those times come, you have the guys here at MS to lean on, not to mention your wife and your T. However blue you get, don't ever feel like your alone with this stuff, because you're not. I hope you have an awesome rest of the week. Take care. Peace,

Ken

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