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#453962 - 11/16/13 09:36 AM Re: has anyone had sexual perfomance issues. [Re: jas4159]
pittsburgh Offline


Registered: 05/26/11
Posts: 89
Loc: west Chester, Pa
Abuse at that early age distorts all of our development,sexual and other wise. When the first sexual experience is so distorted. The out come is distorted. So just like everything else with CSA the effect on all of us with be slightly different.
_________________________
it is and has been quite a trip thru life, as last I feel that I am in a better place, it takes work and in my case a wife the was and is forgiveing and helpful. At last a relationship has gone right, messed up three.

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#454094 - 11/17/13 12:23 AM Re: has anyone had sexual perfomance issues. [Re: pittsburgh]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6875
Loc: USA
Yes.

We had a thread in MS some months back on the effect on developmental rate in guys who've been abused. It apparently depends on when the abuse occurred with reference to the age of puberty. Lots of sexual abuse before puberty delays onset of puberty. Sexual abuse around the time of puberty and afterward apparently promotes onset of puberty.

Puffer

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#454964 - 11/24/13 10:00 PM Re: has anyone had sexual perfomance issues. [Re: jas4159]
gettingstronger Offline


Registered: 09/24/13
Posts: 186
Loc: Virginia
Absolutely. I avoided sex like the plague until quite recently. This is a problem when you've been married almost twenty years! For many years, it was a "close your eyes, take a deep breath and hope for the best" sort of thing with LOTS of pressure to perform. Not what you'd call enjoyable, and virtually always ending in failure and humiliation. Thanks a lot, perp and others!

The good news: things have changed dramatically. While I still have to be the one to initiate it for it to not be too stressful, (1) I can now, and (2) it's about intimacy, touch, and being in the moment rather than just if one or both of us can reach orgasm. Maybe we will; maybe we won't. If we do, so much the better.

Also, I'm finally getting much better at communicating what I need, what I'm in the mood for/not in the mood for, if it was a brutal day and I'm tired, and so on. Likewise, if my wife indicates disappointment over something, I don't automatically take it as an attack on my manhood. She's beginning to see the times when I've wanted it and she's been too tired or not in the mood, so she's beginning to recognize that it goes both ways.
_________________________
Never worry about "three steps forward and two steps back." Thirty steps forward and twenty back are still ten steps in the right direction.

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#454994 - 11/25/13 06:44 AM Re: has anyone had sexual perfomance issues. [Re: jas4159]
Johnathan Offline


Registered: 02/23/12
Posts: 10
Loc: canada
Yes, I struggle with same thing and at 54 and 30 years of marriage it is only the last number of years that I struggle with delayed or not at all ejaculation. I also grew up in an alcohol home and I read somewhere people who were affected by alcoholism also might have similar problems as you mentioned. This is all so very confusing but I am glad I posted. At least I know others have same problem.

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#455047 - 11/25/13 08:29 PM Re: has anyone had sexual perfomance issues. [Re: jas4159]
BraveFalcon Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/25/13
Posts: 1137
Loc: The ATL
To say I've had sexual performance issues would be a tad of an understatement. And by "tad" I mean a huge one. I'm 38 years old and have even had sex less than 20 times in my adult life. I've had one girlfriend ever and that lasted about a year. In that year, we had sex less than 15 times. Probably less than 10 actually. The main reason she broke up with me was my crippling sexual timidity.

When I get in a sexual situation there is a huge amount of nervousness and anxiety. I almost want to run away from the situation. It always feels unbelievably awkward and uncomfortable. I usually can't even get it up and get it going unless she does all the work. I can't make the moves. I basically have to lay back and let her "molest" me. It's the only way I know how. Once the sex has stated, I normally tend to zone out during it and often can not reach orgasm, no matter how long we go for. I've even lost my erection and gone soft in the middle of the act. It's embarrassing, humiliating and makes me feel shame. Pretty much the same three things I've always associated with sex in the first place.

From here on out, I'm not going to ever seek out sex and/or relationships with anyone ever again. It's just not worth it. Not for me anyway. Peace,

Ken


Edited by BraveFalcon (11/25/13 10:12 PM)

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#455051 - 11/25/13 09:58 PM Re: has anyone had sexual perfomance issues. [Re: jas4159]
KMCINVA Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 1746
I do not think it is performance but the lack of feeling intimacy and closeness with your partner. The abuse leaves us scarred and fearful of intimacy. The abuse can leave us confused as to sexuality and each of us have a part of us that is that child we left behind so many years ago, lurking in our subconscious and sending so many unspoken messages. We try to silence him but at times he takes over and we are lost. We all become lost in someway--it is through acts, consciously or subconsciously, we act out believing it will alleviate the pain. But it does not.

Once you feel safe and take control away from the abuse and abuser you will enjoy, find intimacy and the performance will be what it should be.

Reclaiming you sex life is part of healing and no longer seeking re-enactment or recreation of the abuse. Healing allows you to become whole and integrate the parts so we can have the life we deserve and not one the abuser wanted you to live.

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