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#453650 - 11/14/13 03:49 PM Re: How it was possible for YOUR abuser? [Re: Still]
Castle Offline

Registered: 10/03/09
Posts: 758
I can't help but reiterate the fact that a common thread is parents saying things that maybe they don't think theier kids hear, but has direct correlation to a safe enough environment to tell "the secret"

My brother was the smart/golden child…I was in the role of scapegoat "difficult" one…who would have believed me. Everytime I went to a class that my brother had been in the teachers would be all excited until they ALL eventually said "He's nothing like XXX"

Thank goodness I wasn't like him, but growing up a childs worth is in grades and sports and was used as a barometer in the extended family as to who has the "better" family….total lunacy.

Who would have believed me at that time, IDK. Thankfully as an adult when I disclosed to my folks they actually believed me, but Im not so sure the same outcome would have happened as a kid.

I think some of society changes as we as adults don't fall into the same traps and learn from past mistakes and make sure our kids feel safe to tell us whats on their mind and happening in their lives.

#453659 - 11/14/13 06:04 PM Re: How it was possible for YOUR abuser? [Re: Still]
traveler Offline

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3790
Loc: somewhere in Africa
if only - my father hadn't died and my mother remarried to an abusive jerk.

if only - mom hadn't had so many "headaches" that kept her out of sight - but didn't she have ears?

if only - there had been someone to turn to outside the home.

if only - the school had not been ruled by abusive bully jocks.

if only - a teacher or authority figure had had the backbone to intervene in what was very obvious.

if only - the boy scouts had lived up to their creed.

if only - someone had taught me that i did not have to obey and submit to every adult.

if only - i had known that it was not my fault and that i did not deserve it.

We are often troubled, but not crushed;
sometimes in doubt, but never in despair;
there are many enemies, but we are never without a friend;
and though badly hurt at times, we are not destroyed.
- Paul, II Cor 4:8-9

#453675 - 11/14/13 08:09 PM Re: How it was possible for YOUR abuser? [Re: Still]
On The Fringe Offline

Registered: 09/21/13
Posts: 326
Loc: Southeast USA
Parents fought, stayed wasted, gave a shit less. Minor league swingers. I don't think they even knew where I was some nights. They were totally shit faced at adult slumber parties.
I feel more like I do now than I did when I got here.

#453683 - 11/14/13 08:46 PM Re: How it was possible for YOUR abuser? [Re: On The Fringe]
Still Offline

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 7011
Loc: FEMA Region 1
Originally Posted By: On The Fringe
Parents fought, stayed wasted, gave a shit less. Minor league swingers. I don't think they even knew where I was some nights. They were totally shit faced at adult slumber parties.

Target right on you in those conditions. So sincerely sorry!

#453692 - 11/14/13 10:12 PM Re: How it was possible for YOUR abuser? [Re: Still]
ForeverFighting Offline

Registered: 02/09/05
Posts: 1058
Loc: New Mexico, USA
You just keep being what you think they want you to be - what you all NEED the Only Son to be. You don't have any weaknesses or problems. You don't have anything that could make them stop smiling. You smile bigger so they do too.

Wow. That was my house. Thank you for sharing that.

I heard one time the experience of a boy who was abused, told his parents, and they immediately took him to a therapist. Of course his life had been damaged by trauma. The immediate love and support of his family, along with immediate counseling helped him tremendously. You would hardly be able to tell from his life that he had such horrors done to him.

Then there's the secretive family who lives this fictional 'reality' where everyone outside believes they're 'the perfect family'. If mom doesn't believe bad things happen, then they don't exist. Unless, of course, it puts her in a bad light, in which case she lies to everyone she meets. Dad is funny, likable, enjoyed by everyone. If only his son had been a girl or had been interested in sports instead of art and music. Grandfather approved of no one, so my uncle felt powerful by raping me. So who does that little boy tell? My father who wished I didn't exist at all except when my impressive accomplishments made him look good? Mom, whose life is a beautiful house of cards designed to look like the perfect family where nothing bad ever ever happens or she cries for days?

If I tell, she cries, and she won't believe it anyway. That stuff doesn't happen around people like us. HA! We are exactly the kind of family where abuse happens!

Instead of telling, the boy chose mom's way. He pretended it didn't exist. It didn't happen, and if it did, it was his choice, because it meant somebody liked him. The delusions and lies and sick training combine to form a whole web of deceit that I would have to spend the rest of my life deconstructing.

"This search for the truth--it's not for the faint of heart."--Goren on 'Law & Order: CI'
"The former things will not be called to mind, neither will they come up into the heart."--Isaiah 65:17

#453696 - 11/14/13 10:37 PM Re: How it was possible for YOUR abuser? [Re: Still]
BuffaloCO Offline

Registered: 07/14/12
Posts: 483
Loc: USA
Because the adults in my life were to busy to notice, and no one asked why a 9yo was sad, distant and angry.
“We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark. The real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light.” - Plato

#453730 - 11/15/13 06:23 AM Re: How it was possible for YOUR abuser? [Re: Still]
concerned_husky Offline

Registered: 08/29/12
Posts: 728

Edited by concerned_husky (08/31/15 12:48 PM)
Edit Reason: Reducing ties with MS.

"What is to give light must endure burning." - Viktor E. Frankl

#453754 - 11/15/13 09:45 AM Re: How it was possible for YOUR abuser? [Re: Still]
freeze-on Offline

Registered: 08/08/09
Posts: 79
Loc: southeast
A farming equipment sister was injured. my dad left me alone for 10 minutes with the bastard. how could dad have known how "quick" the bastard could be to do the deed to me. It, the perp took adavantage of a family crisis, took advantage of a what seemed to be a split second my life was cracked in two. Dad the parent failed unknowingly. I forgive you dad. Perp you did 'it' because you are jacked up...i have to work daily to keep from wanting to kill you.

And forty three years later i run face to face with this guy who says "hey, i know you"......i just stare at him, frozen.....and then all the things i should have said, wished i said.
"you have no clue , you don't know me, because the "me" was left in that damn barn".....all the things i want to do, and say to him...but would it really matter now. Taking it one day at a me to drink.....and act out....and spiral down into oblivion. Not today. I won't let his dysfunction rule me any more. Though daily it has its effects. It will not rule over me. Anymore.

Edited by freeze-on (11/15/13 09:45 AM)

#453759 - 11/15/13 10:49 AM Re: How it was possible for YOUR abuser? [Re: Still]
Magellan Offline

Registered: 12/31/10
Posts: 1563
Loc: California
My mom is mentally ill and a classic narcissist. That set me up for all the bullying, and the consequent incestuous relationship I had with my cousin when I was age 5-8.

Those years completely destroyed me. I might have survived, but I'm not living.

#454962 - 11/24/13 09:45 PM Re: How it was possible for YOUR abuser? [Re: Still]
gettingstronger Offline

Registered: 09/24/13
Posts: 284
Loc: Virginia

If I hadn't been so badly damaged sexually, by some friends of my parents, long before my perp came along. (What I learned: Sex was a filthy, disgusting thing, and so was I-- even though I had no idea what it was.)

If I hadn't been relentlessly bullied/terrorized long before my perp came along. (What I learned: I was a "pussy" who couldn't defend himself.)

If my parents weren't so enraptured with my sister that they could have bothered to wonder what the hell was really wrong with their son--why a bright, outgoing child practically imploded right before their eyes. (Mom and Dad really didn't give a shit about me. Why care about the weird little outcast when they could dote upon her?)

If I wasn't afraid of my perp's threats to tell everyone it was all my doing. (Since I already "knew" sex was as filthy a thing as I was, wouldn't they just believe my perp?)

If my parents could have laid off hating each other long enough to pay some sort of attention to all the cries for help I was giving off. (Mom and Dad were so wrapped up in themselves that there was no time to intervene in their son's self-destruction.)

If the School Psychologist did something besides making me feel like a freak for getting so angry when I was bullied at school. (Fighting back was ok for others but not me....)

If my family doctor would have not just said, "well, he as an IQ of 168, so he's just maladjusted. All the kids that smart are." (This is a nice way of saying "I don't care enough to know how really bright kids work, or maybe inquire into why he's having so many problems, so he's shit out of luck.")

If my parents had regarded wetting the bed at age 8 and migraines/throwing up three times per week as something that actually needed investigating. (What were they thinking? Were they REALLY that blind?)

In short, it took FIVE people to cause the massive destruction I am only now seriously dealing with (as opposed to running from.) No wonder this is so hard....

Edited by gettingstronger (12/28/13 10:27 PM)
Edit Reason: Added language triggers
I'm normal. What happened to me wasn't.

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