As i said before: thanks for thinking of me. You are consistently encouraging.
One thing I liked in your post is that you didn't tell me to just say it (pet peeve of mine: people telling me to "just" do something, as though it were all so easy). I chose my user name for many, many reasons, including because I too am aware that I have "issues" saying all this, or parts of this.
You, and so many others here, have consistently been encouraging about pretty much anything I've said [written] here, any way that I've said it. I have been lucky to come across many people, including you, who see the difficulties I can encounter "saying" all this, or saying other things, and who take my side in that struggle.
My user name is not, as some seem to have assumed, a command to myself to "say it right" [to "say it right" or say nothing at all, for instance]. I used to live under such commands, and in danger from "saying it wrong" or, from "saying it right" and then having what I said used as the basis for/justifcation for the resulting... [in a place tonight where I can't even talk so much about even non-sexual abuse; just can't]. I wanted my user name to commemorate that particular aspect of the "no win" situation I used to live in too; there was much I was allowed or not allowed to say; much in terms of how I was allowed or not allowed to say things. Talking about any kind of abuse would never have been allowed, of course: I wanted to commemorate the idea of finally "saying" certain things I really need to say and the hope I have of, eventually, no longer fearing what I say in that regard, or how I say those things.
My user name also seemed to me to appropriately (and in a short phrase) express my hope that, despite so many previous attempts at therapy, I would "say [the same] things right this time" (despite having said them before) so that I didn't end up yet again, a couple years down the line, suffering so badly from ptsd-type stuff. When I first joined, things were very difficult for me with ptsd-related issues. Of course, I won't be saying only the same things; there is much even I know I avoided discussing during previous attempts at therapy.
In other words, my user name is a short way of expressing my desire to be more honest, more humble, and more open in therapy this time around. Joining MS was part of that same desire; logging in under my user name every time I come into the site has so far remained a helpful reminder to me of who it is I want to be this time around. My denial has cost me a lot up until now. I will take the help any way I can get it and, so far, I find my user name imbued with enough symbolism for me as to remain meaningful.
Lastly, I guess, talking about certain things can really trigger me (I believe I am not unique in this regard). I find there are ways I can deliberately trick myself sometimes into saying what needs to be said anyway. For example, I'll write (or say in therapy) phrases such as "if I were going to be honest right now, I'd say..." in order to thereafter allow myself to honestly (albeit indirectly) say things which could shut me down or trigger me if I said them more (directly) honestly.
That kind of trick might be strange, maybe no one can relate, but some tricks like that are simply what I do, something I've found I oftentimes really "need" to do and... they work for me. In this sense, "saying it right," (i.e. faking out my triggers) really helps me to say anything at all. I wish it weren't that way, I don't think it will always be that way, and/but I'm trying to work responsibly with the way it is in the meantime.
Again: I really appreciate the thought I hear you expressing with this video and song. I appreciate the encouragement. I fear it may be some time before I am able to get it "all" off my chest, but I am grateful to be in such good company as I work toward saying enough to experience significant healing.
Edited by SayItRight (11/22/13 12:41 AM)
Edit Reason: typos
I always tried one thing:
To make what happened to me not matter at all.
Turns out, it was supposed to matter.