i have told my wife the outlines and summaries of my abuse history - but never all the details. i just finished writing out the most complete account of it that i have ever attempted. i told her yesterday i wanted to tell her everything. while she was out both yesterday and this morning, it was a big temptation to use my usual go-to comforting tactics - but was able to stay "clean and sober."
so this afternoon i read my story and told her pretty much everything. there were details that were really hard for me to say out loud - especially to my wife. i thought i was sparing her by not sharing it all. but she felt i didn't trust her. so now she knows the ugly truth.
i don't know how much you all know about me here - but i was abused verbally, physically and sexually by a step-dad, bullies at middle school and boy scouts and molested by a stranger in my teens. i never acted out voluntarily with others - only in my mind and with porn. but some of the facts were quite brutal and unpleasant.
it was a difficult afternoon. she cried. i cried. she hugged me. i let her. we talked a bit more. she was sad for me, angry with the abusers, incredulous at my mom's denial. she repeated that it wasn't my fault and that i had nothing to be ashamed of. she thanked me for trusting her and telling her my secrets. i thanked her for still loving me - for believing that i wasn't to blame - and for assuring me that she will never leave.
i have also told her about my participation on the MS forums and about a couple of other website forums i also frequent for survivors and for guys fighting SSA.
i feel like we are going to be closer than ever - i think i am understanding intimacy much better. and i feel much more relaxed and at peace. it is good not to have to hide any more.
i am not telling you all this to brag or make you feel bad - but to give you hope that it IS possible. 2 years ago i was a mess and we were very far apart.
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago