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#454683 - 11/21/13 09:03 PM NO MORE SECRETS!
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3509
Loc: somewhere in Africa
i have told my wife the outlines and summaries of my abuse history - but never all the details. i just finished writing out the most complete account of it that i have ever attempted. i told her yesterday i wanted to tell her everything. while she was out both yesterday and this morning, it was a big temptation to use my usual go-to comforting tactics - but was able to stay "clean and sober."

so this afternoon i read my story and told her pretty much everything. there were details that were really hard for me to say out loud - especially to my wife. i thought i was sparing her by not sharing it all. but she felt i didn't trust her. so now she knows the ugly truth.

i don't know how much you all know about me here - but i was abused verbally, physically and sexually by a step-dad, bullies at middle school and boy scouts and molested by a stranger in my teens. i never acted out voluntarily with others - only in my mind and with porn. but some of the facts were quite brutal and unpleasant.

it was a difficult afternoon. she cried. i cried. she hugged me. i let her. we talked a bit more. she was sad for me, angry with the abusers, incredulous at my mom's denial. she repeated that it wasn't my fault and that i had nothing to be ashamed of. she thanked me for trusting her and telling her my secrets. i thanked her for still loving me - for believing that i wasn't to blame - and for assuring me that she will never leave.

i have also told her about my participation on the MS forums and about a couple of other website forums i also frequent for survivors and for guys fighting SSA.

i feel like we are going to be closer than ever - i think i am understanding intimacy much better. and i feel much more relaxed and at peace. it is good not to have to hide any more.

i am not telling you all this to brag or make you feel bad - but to give you hope that it IS possible. 2 years ago i was a mess and we were very far apart.

LEE
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


Top
#454685 - 11/21/13 09:30 PM Re: NO MORE SECRETS! [Re: traveler]
Cthulhu Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/13/13
Posts: 140
Loc: Cascadia
Congrats man.

It must feel amazing to get all that out and feel immediate acceptance. Go you. You deserve those good feelings laugh
_________________________
“what matters most is how well you walk through the fire”
-Charles Bukowski

some context

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#454686 - 11/21/13 09:32 PM Re: NO MORE SECRETS! [Re: traveler]
Esposa Offline
F&F Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 726
Loc: NJ
YAYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

On behalf of wives everywhere..... YAY!!!!!

What is more intimate than this? Fantastic. I am so happy for you both.

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#454688 - 11/21/13 09:40 PM Re: NO MORE SECRETS! [Re: traveler]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 3518
Loc: O Kanada
fantastic news.
congratulations.

i did the same thing myself with my wife.
had to write it all down first so
it would make sense without repeating or omitting details.

it has had an enormous positive impact on our relationship.

i was worried she would leave me,
but she says she already knew most of it in bits and pieces already,
and it actually helped her to have it all laid out in one complete comprehensive narrative.
she told me that she understands me better now,
and things make more sense.
it has also helped me improve my behaviour.
knowing that she knows the whole story,
i do not get frustrated and humiliated while communicating with her.

the best surprise was this...
now that i have written the whole nightmare down on paper in one place, i was finally able to stop replaying it in my mind.
now that i know it is on record, i have been able to purge and banish it from my daily thought program.
the same has happened with every bad memory i have recalled and posted here on ms.org.

i wish and hope the same sense of closure happens for you.

i should have done it a loooooong time ago.
_________________________
Victor|Victim

War
Love
Poetry

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#454691 - 11/21/13 09:59 PM Re: NO MORE SECRETS! [Re: traveler]
mattheal Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/10/12
Posts: 142
Loc: Ohio
Lee,

My friend, I am in awe of your bravery; I know how difficult disclosure can be, especially the details. I'm so happy to hear about your wife's understanding. I wish you continued peace and progress.

Much Love,
Matt
_________________________
It's okay to find the faith to saunter forward
With no fear of shadows spreading where you stand
And you'll breathe easier just knowing
that the worst is all behind you
And the waves that tossed the raft all night
have set you on dry land
- The Mountain Goats - "Never Quite Free"

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#454693 - 11/21/13 10:11 PM Re: NO MORE SECRETS! [Re: traveler]
lucylives Offline


Registered: 04/07/11
Posts: 367
WOW LEE! AWESOME and good for you and your wife. You are courageous and she is lucky.

I think most of us wives crave and need that vulnerability and courage and strength from our husbands (especially those of us who were acted out against sexually). You are an incredible guy.

I also agree with Victor in that when things are written down, we don't have to spend so much time replaying them in our heads. It is like when you wake up in the middle of the night and are worried about things. For me, if I write them down, I can let them go and sleep.

I am a big believer in that the things we keep hidden in our minds, grow bigger and bigger and take on a life of their own. They take on much more power. The only way to let them go is to say them out loud and release it to the universe.

Sometimes if I am ruminating over some crazy fear or thought, just telling my husband about it and having him snicker at me releases their power.

It seems like you two, Lee aned Victor, have experienced a heck of a lot of recovery and are well on your way to happiness!

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#454696 - 11/21/13 10:56 PM Re: NO MORE SECRETS! [Re: traveler]
Mountainous Buck Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/15/09
Posts: 1626
Loc: Minnesota
awesome work Lee-

You are truly walking thru fear and reclaiming your life-

Having no secrets is possibly the most liberating and powerful things we can do for ourselves. Writing it down -putting it all out there - sharing with loved ones and risking vulverability - thank you for sharing the work that you're doing and the results - you are a example for us all!
_________________________
We have to take responsibility for what we're not responsible for.

“It doesn't matter where you've come from,
It matters where you go" Frank Turner

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#454790 - 11/22/13 12:45 PM Re: NO MORE SECRETS! [Re: traveler]
sugarbaby Offline


Registered: 08/17/08
Posts: 371
smile Good for both of you Lee!

That stuff is hard to hear as a wife and the emotions can be a roller coaster! Our thoughts are with you both! smile

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#454813 - 11/22/13 05:15 PM Re: NO MORE SECRETS! [Re: traveler]
Banjo596 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/20/13
Posts: 44
Loc: Ohio
So happy for you Lee! Your honesty and bravery are inspirational!
_________________________
Jeff

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#454832 - 11/22/13 07:09 PM Re: NO MORE SECRETS! [Re: traveler]
Frustrated Offline


Registered: 10/28/13
Posts: 192
You did something I will never be able to do. You have a special wife

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#454838 - 11/22/13 10:37 PM Re: NO MORE SECRETS! [Re: traveler]
CafeMan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/18/13
Posts: 151
Loc: Chicago
I am very happy for you. I also admire what you did.

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#454843 - 11/22/13 10:48 PM Re: NO MORE SECRETS! [Re: traveler]
focusedbody Offline


Registered: 02/03/13
Posts: 373
Loc: NY
Lee:

The thing about memories is that they can keep dogging us until a moment arrives for them to feel the light of day. As you know, many of us still struggle to get there.

Thank you for sharing your precious journey. It inspires me to hold hope alongside the pain of what feels undone. It also reminds me of the gentleness and kindness that helps the next step not seem like a nightmare.

Peace,

FB
_________________________
Lose the drama; life is a poem.

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#454926 - 11/24/13 02:09 AM Re: NO MORE SECRETS! [Re: traveler]
tbkkfile Offline


Registered: 09/16/13
Posts: 282
Loc: Surrey, United Kingdom
Hey Lee, around a month or so I ago I had the same talk with my wife, like you I'd outlined what had happened but this time told her every nasty detail, it hurt, I cried, she cried, she was angry (boy was she angry) but wow what a star she was, our relationship is so much better, I feel better, I feel like I'm healing.

Good luck
David
_________________________
To look up and not down,
To look forward and not back,
To look out and not in

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#455055 - 11/25/13 11:03 PM Re: NO MORE SECRETS! [Re: traveler]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3509
Loc: somewhere in Africa
David, FB, CafeMan, Frustrated, Jeff, sugarbaby, MB, Lucy, Matt, Esposa, Victor, VC -

thank you all for the validating comments. a year ago i would not have believed that i would be where i am today.

i feel like i know each of you and can recall "conversations" that each of you participated in that have helped to get me to this new and better place. and there are so many others who have given of themselves, too.

i guess what i am saying is that none of us can do this alone. we need each other. and i thank each of you for being part of the process for me - and for one another.

LEE
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


Top
#455057 - 11/25/13 11:09 PM Re: NO MORE SECRETS! [Re: traveler]
Frustrated Offline


Registered: 10/28/13
Posts: 192
Lee because of you I am going to take a chance and tell my wife some of what happened to me. I will never be able to tell her everything do there will always be secrets but if I tell her some it's a start and will help her understand why I am the way I am. The worse that can happen is she leaves if that happens I guess it's meant to be that way. But I can't live with this it's killing me every minute of every day. Thanks for sharing

James

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#455061 - 11/25/13 11:24 PM Re: NO MORE SECRETS! [Re: traveler]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3509
Loc: somewhere in Africa
hey, James - let me know how it goes. PM if you like.
i'll be glad to take some part of the credit - if it works well for you - but not sure i want the blame if it doesn't!
seriously - i understand what it takes to do this - and what the risks are.
hope you don't mind if i pray for a good outcome.
LEE
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


Top
#455062 - 11/25/13 11:28 PM Re: NO MORE SECRETS! [Re: traveler]
Frustrated Offline


Registered: 10/28/13
Posts: 192
Lee I welcome that. It's going to be the hardest thing I have ever done. Will be a life changer for sure. Thanks again

James

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#455064 - 11/25/13 11:59 PM Re: NO MORE SECRETS! [Re: traveler]
gettingstronger Offline


Registered: 09/24/13
Posts: 191
Loc: Virginia
Hey James,

Just told my wife recently too. (A few weeks ago.) She's been really, REALLY supportive. I'm keeping my fingers crossed for ya.

Bob
_________________________
Never worry about "three steps forward and two steps back." Thirty steps forward and twenty back are still ten steps in the right direction.

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#455065 - 11/26/13 12:03 AM Re: NO MORE SECRETS! [Re: traveler]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 3518
Loc: O Kanada
i just prayed for you, frustrated.

it might help you to write down what you plan to say first.
get your thoughts in order.
take your time, and wait until you are ready.
a little preparation and rehearsal.
professional consultation would not hurt either.

she may already have some notion or suspicion,
that could soften the impact.

i am supporting your decision.

please keep us posted.
_________________________
Victor|Victim

War
Love
Poetry

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#455068 - 11/26/13 12:40 AM Re: NO MORE SECRETS! [Re: traveler]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3509
Loc: somewhere in Africa
V's suggestion is a good one. I read what I wrote to her to make sure I said all I wanted to and nothing that I didn't want.
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


Top
#455070 - 11/26/13 12:48 AM Re: NO MORE SECRETS! [Re: traveler]
Frustrated Offline


Registered: 10/28/13
Posts: 192
I plan to write it down and rehearse it. When I say it out loud to myself I still can't believe it's happening. I'm going to wait till the right moment maybe this weekend I don't want to tell her this close to thanks giving. I will keep y'all posted for sure. It's a crazy time.

Thanks Guys
James

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#455079 - 11/26/13 01:53 AM Re: NO MORE SECRETS! [Re: traveler]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 3518
Loc: O Kanada
also, my congratulations and good wishes go out to tbkkfile and gettingstronger for finding the courage to share with their partners.

honesty=intimacy

_________________________
Victor|Victim

War
Love
Poetry

Top
#455081 - 11/26/13 02:29 AM Re: NO MORE SECRETS! [Re: Frustrated]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 3518
Loc: O Kanada
good plan, frustrated.

that is how i did it.

the script should help you stick to the story.
your partner may need some time to digest and respond,
so please be gentle and patient.

you might feel a combination of relief and apprehension after disclosing,
but the recipient could also be experiencing extreme emotional reactions as a result.

i also discovered that once i had spoken the words,
they lost their power over me.
there was no need to ever have that conversation again with my wife.
_________________________
Victor|Victim

War
Love
Poetry

Top
#455082 - 11/26/13 02:36 AM Re: NO MORE SECRETS! [Re: traveler]
tbkkfile Offline


Registered: 09/16/13
Posts: 282
Loc: Surrey, United Kingdom
Victor is right honesty = intimacy, the whole dynamic of our marriage changed with that one act of me telling all, suddenly all of the things that my wife could never quite square fell into place, links were made and realizations occurred.

Its not a panacea but you know what? its a damn good place to start.

Good luck James and hope that it goes well for you
_________________________
To look up and not down,
To look forward and not back,
To look out and not in

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#455083 - 11/26/13 02:47 AM Re: NO MORE SECRETS! [Re: tbkkfile]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 3518
Loc: O Kanada
honesty=vulnerability=intimacy=empowerment

_________________________
Victor|Victim

War
Love
Poetry

Top
#455597 - 11/30/13 05:03 PM Re: NO MORE SECRETS! [Re: traveler]
OCN Offline


Registered: 02/05/13
Posts: 291
Loc: Western Europe
Superb work Lee! smile
_________________________
Trust me, you are worth it to love yourself!

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#456304 - 12/07/13 12:08 PM Re: NO MORE SECRETS! [Re: traveler]
Luademel Offline


Registered: 12/05/13
Posts: 6
Loc: nj
This is wonderful! Congratulations on your bravery!

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