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#454579 - 11/20/13 08:15 PM Re: Imploding [Re: victor-victim]
Magellan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/31/10
Posts: 1362
Loc: California
Victor, I appreciate your enthusiasm for your religion.

I grew up a very devout christian while all the mayhem started breaking loose in my life. I was praying to God (screaming / begging / pleading) asking for help, asking for something to change as I was being washed over and destroyed by the experiences I was having. I'm living a crippled life now as a result of that childhood devastation.

The christian God did not heed my prayers, none of them were answered and now I'm living with the aftermath.

For my own sanity, I turned away from christianity for this and a few other reasons. I couldn't live with a God that allowed horrible things to happen to children (not just me).

I used to preach the bible and stomp on about praying and reading scripture just like you do. I'm glad your religion works for you. But it doesn't work for everyone, and it isn't the end all / be all, as much as many christians would love to think about their religion. It's just a belief. That belief fell flat on its face with regards to how messed up it made me (being a devout christian was part of the problem, now that I have 30 years hindsight).

To Gary, and to everyone else. Thank you for your replies. I do believe you when you say you understand. And I believe you when you say you wish you could help. God, I wish something or someone could and WOULD help me, but no! I'm exasperated.

_________________________
It's a heroes journey, and you are the hero.

-- I must remind myself that sugar is my enemy. I can't control my sugar consumption and sugar makes me mentally unstable. I'm reminding myself (because I forgot again).

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#454599 - 11/20/13 11:56 PM Re: Imploding [Re: Magellan]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 2965
Loc: O Kanada
i did not grow up with the bible, so maybe that is why i find it a refreshing read for the last 3 years.
the information is all new to me.
i was always amoral, even though i thought i was a good person.

that is so weird.
we are coming from opposite directions.
i always hated church, religion, god, or anything like it.
i saw it all as fantasy, fairy tale, wishful thinking, self hypnosis, delusion, whatever.
i rejected and avoided it all of my life.
whenever i contemplated a creator, or higher power, at the times where my doubt and skepticism were not an issue,
i was filled with rage and criticism for the crappy world i lived in.
what kind of omnipotent, omnipresent, omniscient being would allow the horrors i had witnessed.
such a god was either incompetent, insensitive, or worse yet... sadistic.
at the age of 50, i finally decided i had nothing left to lose.
i had already believed and rejected everything else.
so i gave the bible a good study.
so far, it is the only thing that has ever worked for me.
with actual, tangible, reliable results.
i had already read every other holy book i could get my hands on, but i was not inspired, and my thought patterns were not improved.

that's all i got.

i wish i had more to offer.



_________________________
Victor|Victim

War
Love
Poetry

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#454611 - 11/21/13 02:25 AM Re: Imploding [Re: Magellan]
1lifenow Offline


Registered: 03/07/11
Posts: 385
Loc: west coast
There is only right now, breath

You were dealt a severe hand no doubt about it.

Not just behind the 8 ball, not even on the table, yet you are here.

there is no:
- purpose
- god
- sin
- plan
- overseer
- one true scripture
- saviour
- answers to prayers

Except for yourself, YOU ARE REAL - the other things on the list, not so much, at least there is no evidence or even any good reasonable/rational argument they may be remotely true. Accepting that others are entitled believe as they will is part being considerate, I just respectfully disagree.

Getting and keeping friends is about taking interest in other , volunteering, giving of yourself, showing kindness, compassion, small acts of consideration and love. These these are human values you posses in spades, with a royal flush of humility.

You know you are a good person, do what you can to show it. That's all any of us have. Sometimes its luck we meet someone, sometimes serendipity and some
times the internet. I met a survivor in my city who has cerebral palsy. Great guy, gay and yet without being ripped, well dressed or coifed, he is a sweet man that makes everyone else around him feel at ease. This lovely man, like you capable of so much more than his disability. He told me of his struggles to find someone in such a limited sea, but through getting himself out there in the community he met a wonderful man who is deaf. Charm does not come in designer jeans.

All any of us have is our fighting spirit and our innate, natural ability to just be as we are. We can and do all strive to be better men but today and right now, i know from some of your past posts, you are a man of caring and thoughtfulness. We all care about you too.

Big Hugz
Grant
_________________________
The need for love lies at the very foundation of human existence. Dalai Lama

WoR Barrie 2011

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#454612 - 11/21/13 03:09 AM Re: Imploding [Re: Magellan]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 2965
Loc: O Kanada
how are you feeling today, magellan?

better, i hope.
_________________________
Victor|Victim

War
Love
Poetry

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#454614 - 11/21/13 03:38 AM Re: Imploding [Re: Magellan]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 2965
Loc: O Kanada
Originally Posted By: Magellan
I was already abusing other people, and flirting with sexually abusing other kids. I grew up fearing the monster in me - I was terrified that I was becoming a pedophile. I was also terrified that I might some day snap and kill a bunch of people in a massacre. That was how I grew up.

I struggled for many years carrying this nasty horrible secret in my head; that I was attracted to people younger than myself that I should not have been attracted to. Thankfully, I appear to have grown out of that.

But now that I'm trying to face my recovery head on, I find the things that used to give me hope and sustenance being ripped away from me one by one. At this late day and age, I find that I can't make friends, I find myself filled with anger and envy.

I find myself totally lost despite my best efforts to try and recover. I nearly became a monster and acted out. I came back from that abyss, only to suffer even more.

Why? WHY?


i can't answer your question.
but i can totally relate to your situation.
i can remember going through those exact emotions.
identical.
i guess it just goes away eventually,
because i don't remember how i beat it.
i just know that it is gone.
it has been gone for so long,
i must have forgotten.
it took your post to remind me.

it always felt so unfair.
like... i did my part!
why can't i get a break??
that constant feeling of betrayal and resentment.
cheated.

i can offer you this small comfort,
it does not last forever.
i am living proof of that.
_________________________
Victor|Victim

War
Love
Poetry

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#454662 - 11/21/13 06:10 PM Re: Imploding [Re: Magellan]
Magellan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/31/10
Posts: 1362
Loc: California
Thank you for saying that, Victor. I'm not doing any better today, or yesterday.

I can't get over how much of a joke of a life I've been forced to live, and I am so incredibly lonely. This feels like torture.

I can't make friends. I try. I'm not clicking with anyone. I'm extremely lonely. I'm depressed. I'm trying. Now I learn that making friends gets much harder when you're older. What are my chances for actually having friends to hang out with?

I don't see the point. I honestly don't. I set out to learn how to make friends when I was 11. 30 years later, I'm no closer to my goal. In fact, I'm further away from my goal then when I started this journey 30 years ago.

Torture.




Edited by Magellan (11/21/13 06:13 PM)
_________________________
It's a heroes journey, and you are the hero.

-- I must remind myself that sugar is my enemy. I can't control my sugar consumption and sugar makes me mentally unstable. I'm reminding myself (because I forgot again).

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#454663 - 11/21/13 06:58 PM Re: Imploding [Re: Magellan]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 2965
Loc: O Kanada
it think it would help, if you knew what type of people you wanted to associate with.
select a theme or hobby.
you could join some activity group or social club.
join a volunteer service.
i believe it could be worth the effort.
you should not be alone.
_________________________
Victor|Victim

War
Love
Poetry

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#454664 - 11/21/13 07:06 PM Re: Imploding [Re: Magellan]
Magellan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/31/10
Posts: 1362
Loc: California
I do all that, already.

I am a Big Brother volunteer. I take improv classes. I work in the field I love (filmmaking and teaching and technology). I'm constantly surrounded by people. I've been in therapy for 20 years, and I've worked 12 step programs. I've made amends, and am doing things to demonstrate that I love myself.

I've literally done everything that people have told me to do. Literally.

I simply don't click with people.
_________________________
It's a heroes journey, and you are the hero.

-- I must remind myself that sugar is my enemy. I can't control my sugar consumption and sugar makes me mentally unstable. I'm reminding myself (because I forgot again).

Top
#454667 - 11/21/13 07:45 PM Re: Imploding [Re: Magellan]
ThisMan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/22/13
Posts: 758
Loc: upper south
Magellan-
I just want you to know that I am wishing you well, as the other guys are. I am sorry you are so low and that it has lasted for such a long time. I have no great words of wisdom or a new road map to show the way out.

Your comments related to the darkness, the living in hell because of the loneliness, even the fact that the T was unavailable for 3 months stood out for me.

I too am alone. What once was ended a decade ago. And somedays the loneliness is more that I can stand. But I get up. I get out. Even if just for a drive down a country lane or to tour a big box store, I get out. It was impossibly hard at first for me to do this. Now, I have complete conversations with complete strangers.

The Hell in life comes, the hell in life goes. It's simply called life. Love grows, love dies. People enter and give joy, people exit leaving behind destruction. Such it is, man. And at times its harder than hard.

And as far as a therapist goes, well… they are just another person willing to listen and perhaps guide.

I agree that you may perhaps need to reread your signature line. HEROES. You just explained some incredible life happenings that you have overcome, from your disabilities, to the emotionless existence of childhood, to the bullying you endured. You have already overcome so dang much, my friend. And your responses to some of my postings have given me the strength to continue forth with my head held high.

Maybe you could pick an hour and just declare yourself to be your hero. Grab a copy "The Fifth Agreement" and begin to read parts of it. You will discover and you will agree… God, we all have too agree with this… if not we are lost…. WE ARE NOT OUR STORY. I love this so much I may alter my signature line… We are not our story.

I am not, you are not, none of us are. The abuses, the assaults, the rapes have rolled in like winter blizzards but they are not us. Fight the urges to let your story define you. Continue to fight it as you have.

And the only contradiction I will offer to you with the utmost respect, Megellan, is that life is a gift. And if there are days when you only talk to the sun, or to a stranger, then fuckin' talk to the sun or the stranger. We become the words we speak, the words we hear.

Will be thinking of you and like you, will be fighting the loneliness this holiday season. My best, brotherman.
_________________________
For now we see through a glass, darkly.



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#454668 - 11/21/13 07:45 PM Re: Imploding [Re: Magellan]
Magellan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/31/10
Posts: 1362
Loc: California
I'm starting to wonder if everyone has been bullshitting me all my life about the things I was supposed to do in order to find the success I needed to have (making friends, finding love, etc).

I've done literally everything that counselors, therapists, 12 step, and people who expressed concern for me.

Nothing has come to pass. Are people just bullshitting? Honestly. Are people just HOPING that the good will come? Because I really had my heart set on finding answers, but the answers still won't come to me.

I'm heading down a very dark path. Going on week 3 of feeling like this. I'm scared shitless. No, I'm angry beyond comprehension, and scared of where this is taking me.

All that work for SHIT.

Thisman - thank you for taking the time to write and respond. I know you care, and I know that others here care as well. But life has been a long curse for me. I keep failing at the most basic things.

And, don't take it personally - its not just you - its a LOT of people telling me I should be proud that ... Proud that I didn't turn into a monster? Proud that I didn't become a child molester? Proud that I didn't become homeless? Proud that I didn't become a murderer, or a thief or any of the other numerous things I could have become?

This is something to be PROUD of? To call myself a hero because I can simply survive?

No thank you. That's nothing to be proud of. I need to love and be loved. I need what ALL HUMANS NEED - BELONGING.

IT'S A FUCKING BASIC HUMAN NEED, AND I CAN'T GET IT MET. I resent when people tell me I should be feeling proud but I have nothing to be proud of. I'm an abject failure in the most basic things. I spent many years (decades) thinking I might be retarded or autistic because I couldn't understand. I'm starting to think that about myself again, because, for the life of me, I just can't make friends, AND I DON"T UNDERSTAND WHY!!!!


I need to check out of this thread. I'm becoming uncontrollably angry. I know all you want to help, but SHIT! FUCK! ****NOTHING IS WORKING!!!!!!*****
_________________________
It's a heroes journey, and you are the hero.

-- I must remind myself that sugar is my enemy. I can't control my sugar consumption and sugar makes me mentally unstable. I'm reminding myself (because I forgot again).

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