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#454521 - 11/19/13 11:27 PM Now on my own….again.
ThisMan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/22/13
Posts: 767
Loc: upper south
Had a shortened session with my T this afternoon. He is no longer my therapist. I was able to express my disagreement with his summation of the scenario last week. I was able to verbalize the reasons why I first came to him and the fear I had at the time. Etc, etc, etc.

Mr. T was contrite, respectful and acknowledged that perhaps he was too forceful in his presentation of his view of me and could have chosen different words and a different time to share (he redirected me onto his path, after asking me to describe in details the rape… and i did.. emotionally). In essence, he apologized without using the word "sorry". And that is cool. I needed the appropriate closure. He even asked me to reconsider leaving… I am still debating that, still trying to consider all aspects with their benefits to me. I just don't know. If I were to seek counseling again with another person, I can't imagine the emotional turmoil of explaining myself AGAIN and the trauma that has followed through life. It seems daunting.

I returned today because I needed to reclaim my dignity. I told him I disagreed with his summation of me as (my word now) predatory, who had sought him out to (his word now) seduce him. He had used my story, my efforts to come to therapy each week, … it seems all my experiences I have shared...to subconsciously judge me and condemn me. He made an assumption related to sex based upon the stories I have shared and called me seductive. Its the first time anyone in 56 years has ever referred to me as seductive.

Anyway, that was the emotional devastation I have experienced the past week… every day I have thought about it. Every night I fell asleep with it. Again, every day (even at this moment) I teared up thinking about it. I feel betrayed that I shared my hidden secrets and BAM… they were brought forth in such a manner… and I don't think that is overreacting.

It feels as if I have been traumatized again. Both with the assault and with the sexual comments and conversation. Not sure why, but it hurts.

And lucky fuckin' me…lol… I am alone again feeling as if I can't trust anyone. No "no one", no therapist… no muffin'. What do you do?

At least I have made enough emotional progress that I could say, "Wait a minute now, you have crossed some important personal boundaries with me!" But I can't figure out why I am so emotional and teary. Thanks for listening.
_________________________
For now we see through a glass, darkly.



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#454525 - 11/20/13 12:00 AM Re: Now on my own….again. [Re: ThisMan]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3363
Loc: somewhere in Africa
bill -

sounds like you handled it very well. better than he deserved.

now take good care of yourself and give yourself time to R & R.

you deserve to take a break - buy yourself ice cream - or whatever makes you feel good. just feel sorry for yourself if that is what you need.

you are going to be OK.

and we are all still here for you.
LEE
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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#454540 - 11/20/13 09:08 AM Re: Now on my own….again. [Re: ThisMan]
KMCINVA Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 1618
Bill

You seem to be handling the events better than most. You are not alone, we are here.

I am sorry the T made you feel lost and alone. It would seem inappropriate for him to judge you and categorize your inner thoughts and acts in a demeaning manner. A T should not be re-traumatizing you. Being re-traumatized is a horrible experiencing--bring the past to the present both cognitively and physically.

Take some time, but do not give up on support, because there are many caring people in the profession. The medical profession is full of individuals who are to arrogant to admit their limitations. A friend who is a surgeon has said there are too many doctors and nurses with general practice experience and knowledge who know a little about a lot of areas but have limited knowledge of specific areas. They are generally the worse. There are T and psychiatrist who do not understand trauma but opine anyway. Sounds like time for a change for you.

Good luck, lean here and you have our support.

Kevin

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#454565 - 11/20/13 03:57 PM Re: Now on my own….again. [Re: ThisMan]
don64 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/13
Posts: 668
Loc: St. Croix, USVI
Hi ThisMan,

It sounds like this therapist has presented you with an opportunity to work through one of your most important self described issues. It is not others you need to trust, it is yourself. And, for me, at the time I was abused, there was no way I could trust myself because I was a kid. However, a profound belief was laid down that trust was impossible. That belief is not true. I can learn to trust myself, and SO CAN YOU. Giving away my ability to trust to others holds me in dependency.

I think you are doing great. You are learning to set healthy limits. And, so am I. The only person I have to learn to set healthy limits with is MYSELF. I have to teach myself to not continue to recreate the past. Recreating the past for me is to continue to re-engage in aggressive-dependent relationships where I am not seen and not valued. That has been really tough for me to disrupt, but disrupt it I have now at the age of 64. I hope you are able to know that loving yourself is giving yourself permission to make healthy choices for yourself. Sounds to me you are right on schedule.

Don
_________________________
Divine Law is not judgment or denial of self truths. Divine Law is honoring harmony that comes from a peaceful mind, an open heart, a true tongue, a light step, a forgiving nature, and a love of all living creatures. Jamie Sams & David Carson, Medicine Cards

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#454589 - 11/20/13 09:46 PM Re: Now on my own….again. [Re: ThisMan]
BraveFalcon Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/25/13
Posts: 1096
Loc: The ATL

Hi Bill. Sorry about how things with this T turned out. I had missed the last thread you started about this regarding the session where he more or less destroyed any therapeutic relationship he'd had with you to this point. So, I went back and read it and I was completely astounded. It is disappointing to hear what happened because I know this guy seemed so promising at first. Now it sounds like the dude got his therapist licence out of a fucking Cracker Jack box.

I'm sorry you've had such poor luck with your therapists. I really don't know what else to say. I'm certainly not one to give advice on seeking therapy or on undergoing it as I've only been to one therapist, for year and a half, and that was almost two decades ago. I do understand why going to new one seems so daunting though. Starting over from scratch, from the beginning? Aside from the fact that I can't afford a T, that would be the one thing that could keep me from ever going back. If I could/did, I'd kind of want to just print up half of the stuff I've posted to MS, hand it to the T and say, "Here. Read all this shit and I'll come back when you're done. We can start from there. See ya later."

Whether or not you should pursue another T is a question probably only you can answer. I think I can tell from your writings that you've progressed a lot since you first started attending therapy, and that is even with therapists who turned out not to be so great. So, perhaps it's helped anyway, despite the incompetence of the Ts you've gone to. That said, maybe most of that progress came from within you and the Ts were just kind of holding your hand along the way. Perhaps you never needed them in the first place and the strength and insight you needed to progress and heal was within you all along. Maybe I'm way off base but those are the thoughts that come to mind when I read about your progress in spite of incompetent Ts.

Anyway, thanks as always for sharing. Keep us posted on where you go with this. Peace,

Ken

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