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#454436 - 11/19/13 10:42 AM Can't keep a therapist
Zero Offline


Registered: 09/24/13
Posts: 35
Loc: Tennessee
Hello everyone, sorry if this is posted in the wrong area.

I don't know why but I am feeling a lot of angry right now towards myself for what seems to be an inability to keep a therapist. My first therapist referred me to someone who ended up saying I was too much to handle. Than that therapist referred to my local rape center and I thought finally someone trained to handle what I am going through. Went to one session, now the rape center just called to refer me elsewhere. madmadmadmad

What is wrong with me? I feel like I am broken beyond a therapist's ability to help.

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#454437 - 11/19/13 10:51 AM Re: Can't keep a therapist [Re: Zero]
KMCINVA Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 1617
It takes time. Having the right therapist is very important. You and the T needto be comfortable . You need to feel safe. It is not you. You will find the right T. Be patient and keep looking. You are not broken beyond repair.

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#454440 - 11/19/13 11:14 AM Re: Can't keep a therapist [Re: Zero]
JustScott Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/27/08
Posts: 2574
My experiences with local crisis centers is that they really know nothing. They have basic training but that's it. They are usually volunteers looking to "do a good deed" and anything that is outside the norm (Read: Woman raped and abused by evil men) is WAY outside of anything they can even begin to handle or understand.

I think the therapist that sent you to a crisis center must have found their license in a cracker jack box, and the first guy at least did the right thing in recognizing that he wasn't skilled or trained enough to handle things. Although if he said you were "too much to handle", then he really needs to work on his technique because that was ignorant and insensitive. He was the one with the failing, not you.

What I see presently is you are doing what all we survivors do.... taking the blame and responsibility for the situation onto yourselves. What is true here, is you are being bounced along people untrained and ill-trained, none of which is your fault at all. Just like the abuse, none of it is your fault.

Keep looking and don't give up. When I went looking, use the guide on the main page for help. It's called the Consumers guide to Therapist Shopping, you can find it HERE .

Read it over and then don't be afraid to use it and write off anyone that doesn't fit, as they'll do more harm than good.

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#454445 - 11/19/13 12:48 PM Re: Can't keep a therapist [Re: Zero]
ForeverFighting Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/09/05
Posts: 1058
Loc: New Mexico, USA
In my experience, finding a good therapist is like finding a wife. It's really, really hard to finally meet that therapist whose personality works with you, who is trained in what you've dealt with, and who isn't crazier that you are. smile Please know I'm speaking from my own experience here. You're not crazy. I've just met some therapists who seem to need more help than we here do.

Keep searching. There's nothing wrong with you. There just aren't that many therapists who know how to deal with male victims of sexual abuse. It's like going to a doctor with a deep internal wound, but they've spent their entire practice treating the common cold. One therapist sent me to a hospital for treatment of dissociative identity disorder where obviously my condition was not the same as my roommate whose other personality spoke French. Another told me I was narcissistic. Another said, Yeah, she might fall in love with the tree in her office and have sex with it. ??? I swear one kept looking at my crotch. FINALLY, I found a male therapist who understood and helped me for about 10 years to the point that our sessions ended naturally after our work was done. I'm sure I won't ever be completely cured of my old "war injury". But I can go to work, take care of my family, and have more good days than bad.

It's worth the search for a good therapist. Don't give up. Take care of yourself.
_________________________
ForeverFighting

"This search for the truth--it's not for the faint of heart."--Goren on 'Law & Order: CI'
"The former things will not be called to mind, neither will they come up into the heart."--Isaiah 65:17

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#454446 - 11/19/13 01:03 PM Re: Can't keep a therapist [Re: Zero]
ThisMan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/22/13
Posts: 767
Loc: upper south
Zero- This should make you feel some better, but I am on my third therapist within a 12 month period. I began the journey last November. Not to beat the dead horse, but this is what I have heard:
T-1: told her I had been abused and raped on the first visit…. she gave me a paper on codependency
t-2: told her I had been raped, and what she said feminized my psychic by saying now I knew how a woman felt… and she also laughed and said she guessed I was taking it in both ends now… when I tried to talk about a young lady who had affections for me
T-3: told him I had been raped, he ignores it and pulls the discussion into my "REAL" reason for coming to him… and it always seems to center on his obsession with my assumed attraction to him. Today this will end because I am setting sail for another, safer venue that I can feel comfortable in.

I am BROKEN just a bit. That's why I chose therapy. You may be broken just a bit. That's why you have chosen therapy. Don't let the ineptitude of the therapists you have met so far KEEP YOU FROM HEALING. They only know their experiences. They simply have their own agenda and, unfortunately, both spoken and unspoken biases when it comes to males with abuse histories.

Don't give up on you, Zero. You deserve the respect and understanding you seek.

bill


Edited by ThisMan (11/19/13 01:05 PM)
_________________________
For now we see through a glass, darkly.



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#454460 - 11/19/13 04:17 PM ! [Re: Zero]
Smalltown80sBoy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/25/12
Posts: 2217
!


Edited by Smalltown80sBoy (02/28/14 10:34 PM)

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#454464 - 11/19/13 05:12 PM Re: Can't keep a therapist [Re: Zero]
Lancer Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/13/12
Posts: 901
Loc: Florida
Hi Z -- Glad you posted. My first thot is, IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT! Let me say that again. It's NOT your fault.

Having been thru a few therapists in my time, I completely understand the feeling, "Mygawd, I'm so fucked up, NO ONE wants me!" fwiw, that feeling often sloshes over into many of my relationships, personal and professional. I won't say I have a handle on it, except I recognize it. (A lot of it coming from the feeling as a teenager who, in the midst of developing his emotions, concluded that his only value to anyone was as a sex object...long story).

As many have said, yeah, it can be a helluva search with lots of horror stories such as ThisMan's experience (still makes my stomach churn). Crisis centers, I'll echo the earlier post, are useless in my experience. Once in a while I've come across a T who's at least good for a specific issue. Once in a while.

Strangely, this site's often more help and it's more immediate.

The search is exhausting. One thing I'll add is that it's also okay for YOU to reject a therapist. Many of us have done it. If it's not a good fit you'll know it in your gut. And if you're not sure, just post it.


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#454488 - 11/19/13 07:57 PM Re: Can't keep a therapist [Re: Zero]
Cthulhu Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/13/13
Posts: 134
Loc: Cascadia
Zero,

I am so sorry man. You have every right to feel angry.

But, I want to add my voice to the chorus saying ITS NOT YOUR FAULT. The system is fucked and you are stuck being thrown around it. Unfortunately, one needs to fight to get good services.

And fight you should, you are in no way beyond help. You are, at least in my impression, amazingly self-aware, wise and intelligent. Especially given the situations other people forced on you.

Hell, my city has a specialized office full of Therapists who only deal with male survivors, but even there I was told by my second therapist(who I had seen for months) that our sessions frustrated him because he had no idea who I was or how to help me. This after a psychiatrist told me the exact same thing after begrudgingly coming to the conclusion that I was in-fact not a pedophile, despite what I dub "werewolf theory".

But there are therapists out there who will be a really good match for you. I can say this with confidence because of how well you communicate and use this site. You are already doing the work of therapy. You will be able to find someone to help guide you. You deserve it. Myself, it wasn't until after two individual trauma therapists, outpatient psychiatry, and a therapy group that I found my current therapist. Finally. He gets me, I get him and it is generally a really good experience. I leave the sessions feeling relaxed and with a clear picture of how to operate for the next week.

Keep fighting man - you are worth it.

-Cthulhu


Edited by Cthulhu (01/03/14 08:47 PM)
_________________________
“what matters most is how well you walk through the fire”
-Charles Bukowski

some context

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#454507 - 11/19/13 09:23 PM Re: Can't keep a therapist [Re: Zero]
don64 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/13
Posts: 665
Loc: St. Croix, USVI
Hi Z,

I know you are really really smart. I hope you can take these horrible experiences and make some lemonade out of lemons. None of these jerks has been right for you. Now that I used the word jerk I've diffused some of my frustration reading your experiences. First Z, it wasn't personal. These people did not set out to reject you. They just aren't competent for your special needs. And, you deserve and need someone special. My experience is there is always something POSITIVE for me in every experience. Sometimes it may take me decades to figure out the positive, but it is always there--even my abuse. My abuse has stretched and twisted and damaged me in severe ways. But, pyramids are always symmetrical. That stretching my base so far in one direction means that the possibilities for wonder, joy, awe, love, kindness, tenderness, gentleness, respect, appreciation, discernment, and peacefulness are equally stretched in the other direction. I just have to do the work.

I hope you are able to reach deep inside and find the nougats that are there for you. These therapists are just people doing the best they can. The best they can do may be woefully inadequate for your needs. Take what you can out of the situations and let them go. They were clearly NOT for you. Be glad you did not get hooked up with any of them. I send love and good will.

Don
_________________________
Divine Law is not judgment or denial of self truths. Divine Law is honoring harmony that comes from a peaceful mind, an open heart, a true tongue, a light step, a forgiving nature, and a love of all living creatures. Jamie Sams & David Carson, Medicine Cards

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#454583 - 11/20/13 08:35 PM Re: Can't keep a therapist [Re: Zero]
Zero Offline


Registered: 09/24/13
Posts: 35
Loc: Tennessee
Thanks everyone for the overwhelming support, I feel better now about this. I am confident my case manager will fine me a therapist smile

Originally Posted By: JustScott
My experiences with local crisis centers is that they really know nothing.


Yeah thats a real shame too seeing as how there are so many that struggle with CSA. You would think they would be better equipped to handle male survivors.

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