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#454558 - 11/20/13 02:06 PM Re: I still dont see the answer I need. [Re: Esposa]
christie1013 Offline


Registered: 11/06/13
Posts: 31
Esposa, i normally get everything you say but you got me on the last sentence about the dog and the motive.LOL.

AND I just buzzed his office and asked if he wanted chicken soup. Good god, he has a cold not the plague. When will i stop!!! He is a grown man who owns his own home, pays his own bills and really doesn't rely on anyone. I am sure he is capable of getting his own dang soup. Was i being to "motherly" because thats the last thing i want him to think right now!!! I was just being my own normal nice self.

And if I could ever offer good advice to anyone, it would be to NEVER EVER get involved with a co-worker!! Okay, way off track now. Sorry!!!

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#454559 - 11/20/13 02:14 PM Re: I still dont see the answer I need. [Re: christie1013]
Esposa Offline
F&F Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 707
Loc: NJ
heeeee wink

My point is - if you want to see him, say "I am coming over to walk your dog so I can see you." "I am bringing you soup because I want to you to know that I care about you." It is when we are honest with ourselves (and expressed) that we bring awareness to a situation. It's a useful practice when you are trying to make sure you get what you give. Because if it is not reciprocated, it starts to become quite clear.

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#454568 - 11/20/13 05:12 PM Re: I still dont see the answer I need. [Re: Esposa]
christie1013 Offline


Registered: 11/06/13
Posts: 31
ha, then I did good for once. I told him that I went over because I care about him and the dog and since he was sick....

Well anyway, I saw a good quote today "When someone truly cares about you, they make an effort, not an excuse". I guess I should take that to heart? I don't know. His excuse is that he tried therapy (the marriage counselor) and that it didn't help and he won't go back. And that "he functions better when its all pushed down inside".

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#454572 - 11/20/13 06:54 PM Re: I still dont see the answer I need. [Re: christie1013]
Esposa Offline
F&F Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 707
Loc: NJ
I remember when my husband started to see how much of his personality was linked to the horrible crap that happened to him as a child. It feels like it is better to him to push it down, it's just not true.

Does he read? Victims No Longer or Evicting the Perpetrator. Ken's book was the first one I read and each page made me stop and say "CRAP! That's where that comes from...."

And the message for your man is "IT DOESN'T HAVE TO BE LIKE THIS"

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#454585 - 11/20/13 09:00 PM Re: I still dont see the answer I need. [Re: christie1013]
pittsburgh Offline


Registered: 05/26/11
Posts: 89
Loc: west Chester, Pa
When the first sexual experience is so perverted the ramifications on your sexual feeling can be an some times is massive. It takes many different forms depending on the experience and the man.
_________________________
it is and has been quite a trip thru life, as last I feel that I am in a better place, it takes work and in my case a wife the was and is forgiveing and helpful. At last a relationship has gone right, messed up three.

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#454631 - 11/21/13 10:15 AM Re: I still dont see the answer I need. [Re: christie1013]
christie1013 Offline


Registered: 11/06/13
Posts: 31
Esposa, he does read but I have suggested these kinds of books before along with this website. This man truly believes that he is better off behind his mask. I get it that it gets worse before better and drudging this all up can really suck for a long while. There is really not much more I can do or should do for that matter. I wish I would just accept it. I'm afraid for him though that "leaving" the friendship behind will be truly more damaging to him. I just haven't figured out how to be the friend "from afar." I dont want him to think I am his crutch yet I can see that my actions still shown that I am willing to be that crutch. And thats because i miss him and am afraid NOT to be a part of his life. Takes me back to your comment of how much does it scare me if i say "YOU WILL GO TO THERAPY OR I WILL NEVER SPEAK TO YOU AGAIN". That scares the heck out of me. Not to mention that i have to face him every day at work.

Well hopefully the therapist on Tuesday can shed some light for me. I was thinking of asking him if he just wanted to take a ride to her office with me even if he doesnt go in. Too much??

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