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#454483 - 11/19/13 07:43 PM Imploding
Magellan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/31/10
Posts: 1408
Loc: California
I had a major realization a few weeks ago that turned into a giant monster that I can't control. It is destroying me with rage and anger.

The realization? Something that hadn't made sense about my mom's relationship to me suddenly clicked into place and it all made sense. The stories she's told me about my birth, and her being a victim in all of it were lies. The truth is, she used my genetic father to have a baby. She knew he was disabled. She is also disabled. She used him to assure herself THAT SHE WOULD HAVE A DISABLED BABY. She planned me to be disabled. She did it deliberately.

As a result, I was born with multiple disabilities because my mother wanted a disabled child. Why the fuck would a person deliberately do that? Because she is the professional victim, always playing the victim card, and she could assure her victimhood by bandying about how she now has a disabled child and how much of a handout she would need from the family. And boy did she receive financial handouts! Though I spent the majority of my youth on welfare.

Instead of giving me the additional support that all children with disabilities need (stimulation, engagement, play) - she proceeded to ignore me. I never received any parenting from her, or from my step father when she remarried.

I was obliterated by this realization while simultaneously finally UNDERSTANDING her, and UNDERSTANDING why I grew up feeling the feelings I felt (being angry for being born - being angry for being born with disabilities). This all makes sense to me, for the first time ever.

Shortly after that realization, another major realization: I haven't got a clue what romance is. I have been fooling myself into believing that "some day...". But I suddenly realized that my comprehension of romance/love is so out of whack, and no where near what most people do within the romantic relationship. I learned that romance is born out of the desire for friendship, of which, sexual attraction is a part of it.

I just learned this 2 weeks ago.

I just learned 2 weeks ago that everything I thought I knew about romance was entirely wrong. It would explain why I have NEVER had a romantic relationship. It would also explain why I almost never get beyond the 2nd date.

As a result, I've totally and completely given up all hope on finding romance. I can't comprehend it. Shit, I can't even make friends.

I'm turning 42 in a couple weeks. I'll be alone. I'll be alone for thanksgiving. And I'll be alone for Christmas. and I'll be alone for new years too.

I can't continue living my life alone. I can't continue watching the world around me buzz through the joyful and agonizing chaos of getting into and out of relationships while I sit idly by on the sidelines getting old and gray and feeling resentful that I can't participate.

I've already spent my entire life sitting on the sidelines feeling like I can't participate because of my severe hearing loss and double vision. Both of these have severely limited my access to opportunity. I've sat on the sidelines of life while watching everyone else LIVE.

I'm so filled with envy and resentment now. A few days ago I posted that "I hate my mother". She is to blame for putting me into this place called "earth". Which I consider to be hell. I know that I am responsible for how I take care of the mess she created. She can't clean up her mess, but I'm forced to live it.

I fucking hate my life.

I'm so envious of everyone who have families. Dysfunctional or not - y'all have some people in your lives who need you.

I'm alone. I've been alone for a very long time, and I'm getting lonelier with age. I've been in an emotional implosion for the last 2 weeks, and I can't pull out of it. Getting darker and darker by the day.

Oh. And my therapist is on vacation for 3 months. I've written him several emails and his best response is "Don't give up on yourself!"

What the fuck for?! So I can endure more pain and suffering? So that I can have MORE ripped out of my life that I thought I had, but never had in the first place? So I can become even MORE disillusioned?? SERIOUSLY!??!

This life? This is supposed to be a gift? I literally feel like I was born in hell. If there is a christian 'god', then I've already lived a life apparently filled with sin because I woke up in hell and it is every bit as agonizing as how I imagined it as a child.




_________________________
It's a heroes journey, and you are the hero.

Loving Kindness Meditation will dramatically improve your spirits; give it a try for just 3 days: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sz7cpV7ERsM

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#454487 - 11/19/13 07:55 PM Re: Imploding [Re: Magellan]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 3362
Loc: O Kanada
i wish there was some way i could fix it for you.

all i can do i feel the impact of your words.

there were times in my life where even hope seemed lost.
so i can relate.
_________________________
Victor|Victim

War
Love
Poetry

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#454492 - 11/19/13 08:05 PM Re: Imploding [Re: Magellan]
Magellan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/31/10
Posts: 1408
Loc: California
Thank you Victor.

Mom intentionally had a disabled baby so she could further her "i'm a victim!" story and get financial hand outs from the family; which she nailed in spades. She hasn't worked in over 20 years.

I know I was born a beautiful boy, full of love, wonder, and awe. But because my mom did what she did, neglected me, and didn't nurture me; and because children can be cruel bullies; I was bullied because I wore glasses and hearing aids.

That turned me into a very angry and sour 11 year old, and I was already abusing other people, and flirting with sexually abusing other kids. I grew up fearing the monster in me - I was terrified that I was becoming a pedophile. I was also terrified that I might some day snap and kill a bunch of people in a massacre. That was how I grew up.

I struggled for many years carrying this nasty horrible secret in my head; that I was attracted to people younger than myself that I should not have been attracted to. Thankfully, I appear to have grown out of that.

But now that I'm trying to face my recovery head on, I find the things that used to give me hope and sustenance being ripped away from me one by one. At this late day and age, I find that I can't make friends, I find myself filled with anger and envy.

I find myself totally lost despite my best efforts to try and recover. I nearly became a monster and acted out. I came back from that abyss, only to suffer even more.

Why? WHY?
_________________________
It's a heroes journey, and you are the hero.

Loving Kindness Meditation will dramatically improve your spirits; give it a try for just 3 days: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sz7cpV7ERsM

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#454545 - 11/20/13 10:17 AM Re: Imploding [Re: Magellan]
Magellan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/31/10
Posts: 1408
Loc: California
I suppose my problems are far too severe for anyone here to understand. And I suppose I shouldn't be talking about my personal struggle with overcoming the abusive behaviors I had growing up.

I no longer abuse people. I also have no clue how to make friends. The only types of friendships I knew how to make were ones where I was abusive. I stopped doing that 12 years ago, and haven't had a close friend since. Reward for my good/bad behavior?

I'm sorry I shared too much here. The lack of response is surprising. Perhaps I should leave MS.

_________________________
It's a heroes journey, and you are the hero.

Loving Kindness Meditation will dramatically improve your spirits; give it a try for just 3 days: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sz7cpV7ERsM

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#454547 - 11/20/13 10:33 AM Re: Imploding [Re: Magellan]
George Offline
Member

Registered: 01/29/01
Posts: 120
Loc: NY metro
No, you are in the right place to talk a out it. Plenty here feel bad for involving others, perhaps hurting them. Its rough stuff to deal with but you are dealing with it by talking and trying to understand it. I'm in a public place on my phone so can't type more.

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#454552 - 11/20/13 12:32 PM Re: Imploding [Re: Magellan]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 3362
Loc: O Kanada
i know exactly what you are going through, Magellan.
it is not too much for me to handle.
i have been there, too many times.

the truth is, i wish i could tell you what to do, except
the problem is, i don't know how to control my own moods.
i just wait them out, knowing that another mood will come along to replace it soon enough, as long as i don't act on any of my crazy compulsions.

*** this is not an attempt to convert ***
the only thing that has ever worked for me,
believe it or not, is prayer.

i did not want to pray.
i tried every coping calming technique i could find,
it was my last possible option.
i did it out of desperation.
once i started, it worked.
it is the only thing that works for me.
over time, the situation has improved dramatically.
i use prayer to calm down every time.
when i forget or refuse to pray,
the shit gets bad.



_________________________
Victor|Victim

War
Love
Poetry

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#454557 - 11/20/13 01:08 PM Re: Imploding [Re: Magellan]
Magellan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/31/10
Posts: 1408
Loc: California
I've prayed all my life.
_________________________
It's a heroes journey, and you are the hero.

Loving Kindness Meditation will dramatically improve your spirits; give it a try for just 3 days: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sz7cpV7ERsM

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#454564 - 11/20/13 03:53 PM Re: Imploding [Re: Magellan]
Smalltown80sBoy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/25/12
Posts: 2217
The bad thing about holidays is that they remind us of what we don't have. Many of us don't live the ideal but have to live with what's painfully real. I'm sure there will be many words of despair posted here in the coming weeks.

I just want you to know that you are not alone in your suffering. Many others are going through their own hell. I'm in a relationship but many are not. Despite our unique situations we do share the common bond of being a survivor. That's something I think we can all understand on some level. So I don't think I'm alone in saying that I understand and that I care.

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#454567 - 11/20/13 04:37 PM Re: Imploding [Re: Magellan]
Bluedogone Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/03/13
Posts: 241
Loc: Southeast US
Magellan,

No, no, no. This is not the time to leave MS. I think one reason there has not been a whole lot of response to your post is that so many who can feel your remorse and agony, and sense the desparation don't know what to say to make it go away. I know I don't have the answer.

Holidays are so much more stressful than usual because it's so easy to see all the people doing all the family stuff of celebrating and seem so happy while I'm so miserable. But there's no one who hasn't gotten depressed and down on themselves at one time or another. Especially anyone whose experienced CSA. Maybe not to your extent of a living hell, but nevertheless feeling exactly how you do. That's not to minimize what you are feeling. It hurts, and it's real. But you have what it takes to get through it.

You may say, "what does that fool know, he doesn't know how horrible my life has been these last two weeks." And you would be right, I don't. But I do know about loneliness and relationships. If I can have a relationship that works, then you can too. My experience with my first wife was a disaster straight from hell. I pissed and moaned about my terrible life to anyone who would listen, but eventually after a very brutal divorce started on the relationship thing again. And strange as it may seem I found someone who I think only God could have found for me. I say all this not to brag, but to simply say there's someone for you but you aren't going to find that romantic relationship by giving up - as difficult as the road ahead seems sometime . A realization that you're in a hopeless spot and your past early life of welfare has doomed you to a life of loneliness and hell is tough to take. But I have two nephews who grew up on welfare and their mother was a welfare queen if there ever was one, but to look at these boys today you would never know their life started that way. You can't erase the past acting out, but you can't use it as an excuse to keep from moving forward either.

Re-read your signature line. "It's a hero's journey and you're the hero." YOU are the hero to more people than you know. And you're the hero to yourself. You can pull yourself out of this pit of loneliness. You have plenty of help here, but it can only be done if you make another realization, that you, and only you, can do it, and you deserve to have a good life in spite of your mother. CSA, or physical handicaps.

Take care.

CJ
_________________________
Never, never, never, never give up....Winston Churchill

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#454577 - 11/20/13 07:47 PM Re: Imploding [Re: Magellan]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 3362
Loc: O Kanada
RELIGION/SPIRITUALITY WARNING!

Originally Posted By: Magellan
I've prayed all my life.





when prayer is not enough,
i study spiritual scriptures.

when that is not enough,
i seek out fellowship at prayer meetings and scripture studies.


i find a combination of all three works for me.

that is all i know about getting through my own negative thoughts. it is what i am doing right now.
it is what i have been doing for the past few years, with all positive results. i don't know what else to suggest.

my old methods of coping (sex&drugs&rock&roll) were not working, they never did.
they only allowed me to forget my self temporarily, not find my self permanently.
so i do not recommend any of those techniques.

i will pray for you after i post this.
don't know if that works, but it will make me feel like at least i tried.
it certainly can't hurt.

wishing you well.
_________________________
Victor|Victim

War
Love
Poetry

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#454579 - 11/20/13 08:15 PM Re: Imploding [Re: victor-victim]
Magellan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/31/10
Posts: 1408
Loc: California
Victor, I appreciate your enthusiasm for your religion.

I grew up a very devout christian while all the mayhem started breaking loose in my life. I was praying to God (screaming / begging / pleading) asking for help, asking for something to change as I was being washed over and destroyed by the experiences I was having. I'm living a crippled life now as a result of that childhood devastation.

The christian God did not heed my prayers, none of them were answered and now I'm living with the aftermath.

For my own sanity, I turned away from christianity for this and a few other reasons. I couldn't live with a God that allowed horrible things to happen to children (not just me).

I used to preach the bible and stomp on about praying and reading scripture just like you do. I'm glad your religion works for you. But it doesn't work for everyone, and it isn't the end all / be all, as much as many christians would love to think about their religion. It's just a belief. That belief fell flat on its face with regards to how messed up it made me (being a devout christian was part of the problem, now that I have 30 years hindsight).

To Gary, and to everyone else. Thank you for your replies. I do believe you when you say you understand. And I believe you when you say you wish you could help. God, I wish something or someone could and WOULD help me, but no! I'm exasperated.

_________________________
It's a heroes journey, and you are the hero.

Loving Kindness Meditation will dramatically improve your spirits; give it a try for just 3 days: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sz7cpV7ERsM

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#454599 - 11/20/13 11:56 PM Re: Imploding [Re: Magellan]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 3362
Loc: O Kanada
i did not grow up with the bible, so maybe that is why i find it a refreshing read for the last 3 years.
the information is all new to me.
i was always amoral, even though i thought i was a good person.

that is so weird.
we are coming from opposite directions.
i always hated church, religion, god, or anything like it.
i saw it all as fantasy, fairy tale, wishful thinking, self hypnosis, delusion, whatever.
i rejected and avoided it all of my life.
whenever i contemplated a creator, or higher power, at the times where my doubt and skepticism were not an issue,
i was filled with rage and criticism for the crappy world i lived in.
what kind of omnipotent, omnipresent, omniscient being would allow the horrors i had witnessed.
such a god was either incompetent, insensitive, or worse yet... sadistic.
at the age of 50, i finally decided i had nothing left to lose.
i had already believed and rejected everything else.
so i gave the bible a good study.
so far, it is the only thing that has ever worked for me.
with actual, tangible, reliable results.
i had already read every other holy book i could get my hands on, but i was not inspired, and my thought patterns were not improved.

that's all i got.

i wish i had more to offer.



_________________________
Victor|Victim

War
Love
Poetry

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#454611 - 11/21/13 02:25 AM Re: Imploding [Re: Magellan]
1lifenow Offline


Registered: 03/07/11
Posts: 408
Loc: west coast
There is only right now, breath

You were dealt a severe hand no doubt about it.

Not just behind the 8 ball, not even on the table, yet you are here.

there is no:
- purpose
- god
- sin
- plan
- overseer
- one true scripture
- saviour
- answers to prayers

Except for yourself, YOU ARE REAL - the other things on the list, not so much, at least there is no evidence or even any good reasonable/rational argument they may be remotely true. Accepting that others are entitled believe as they will is part being considerate, I just respectfully disagree.

Getting and keeping friends is about taking interest in other , volunteering, giving of yourself, showing kindness, compassion, small acts of consideration and love. These these are human values you posses in spades, with a royal flush of humility.

You know you are a good person, do what you can to show it. That's all any of us have. Sometimes its luck we meet someone, sometimes serendipity and some
times the internet. I met a survivor in my city who has cerebral palsy. Great guy, gay and yet without being ripped, well dressed or coifed, he is a sweet man that makes everyone else around him feel at ease. This lovely man, like you capable of so much more than his disability. He told me of his struggles to find someone in such a limited sea, but through getting himself out there in the community he met a wonderful man who is deaf. Charm does not come in designer jeans.

All any of us have is our fighting spirit and our innate, natural ability to just be as we are. We can and do all strive to be better men but today and right now, i know from some of your past posts, you are a man of caring and thoughtfulness. We all care about you too.

Big Hugz
Grant
_________________________
The need for love lies at the very foundation of human existence. Dalai Lama

WoR Barrie 2011

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#454612 - 11/21/13 03:09 AM Re: Imploding [Re: Magellan]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 3362
Loc: O Kanada
how are you feeling today, magellan?

better, i hope.
_________________________
Victor|Victim

War
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#454614 - 11/21/13 03:38 AM Re: Imploding [Re: Magellan]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 3362
Loc: O Kanada
Originally Posted By: Magellan
I was already abusing other people, and flirting with sexually abusing other kids. I grew up fearing the monster in me - I was terrified that I was becoming a pedophile. I was also terrified that I might some day snap and kill a bunch of people in a massacre. That was how I grew up.

I struggled for many years carrying this nasty horrible secret in my head; that I was attracted to people younger than myself that I should not have been attracted to. Thankfully, I appear to have grown out of that.

But now that I'm trying to face my recovery head on, I find the things that used to give me hope and sustenance being ripped away from me one by one. At this late day and age, I find that I can't make friends, I find myself filled with anger and envy.

I find myself totally lost despite my best efforts to try and recover. I nearly became a monster and acted out. I came back from that abyss, only to suffer even more.

Why? WHY?


i can't answer your question.
but i can totally relate to your situation.
i can remember going through those exact emotions.
identical.
i guess it just goes away eventually,
because i don't remember how i beat it.
i just know that it is gone.
it has been gone for so long,
i must have forgotten.
it took your post to remind me.

it always felt so unfair.
like... i did my part!
why can't i get a break??
that constant feeling of betrayal and resentment.
cheated.

i can offer you this small comfort,
it does not last forever.
i am living proof of that.
_________________________
Victor|Victim

War
Love
Poetry

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#454662 - 11/21/13 06:10 PM Re: Imploding [Re: Magellan]
Magellan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/31/10
Posts: 1408
Loc: California
Thank you for saying that, Victor. I'm not doing any better today, or yesterday.

I can't get over how much of a joke of a life I've been forced to live, and I am so incredibly lonely. This feels like torture.

I can't make friends. I try. I'm not clicking with anyone. I'm extremely lonely. I'm depressed. I'm trying. Now I learn that making friends gets much harder when you're older. What are my chances for actually having friends to hang out with?

I don't see the point. I honestly don't. I set out to learn how to make friends when I was 11. 30 years later, I'm no closer to my goal. In fact, I'm further away from my goal then when I started this journey 30 years ago.

Torture.




Edited by Magellan (11/21/13 06:13 PM)
_________________________
It's a heroes journey, and you are the hero.

Loving Kindness Meditation will dramatically improve your spirits; give it a try for just 3 days: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sz7cpV7ERsM

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#454663 - 11/21/13 06:58 PM Re: Imploding [Re: Magellan]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 3362
Loc: O Kanada
it think it would help, if you knew what type of people you wanted to associate with.
select a theme or hobby.
you could join some activity group or social club.
join a volunteer service.
i believe it could be worth the effort.
you should not be alone.
_________________________
Victor|Victim

War
Love
Poetry

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#454664 - 11/21/13 07:06 PM Re: Imploding [Re: Magellan]
Magellan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/31/10
Posts: 1408
Loc: California
I do all that, already.

I am a Big Brother volunteer. I take improv classes. I work in the field I love (filmmaking and teaching and technology). I'm constantly surrounded by people. I've been in therapy for 20 years, and I've worked 12 step programs. I've made amends, and am doing things to demonstrate that I love myself.

I've literally done everything that people have told me to do. Literally.

I simply don't click with people.
_________________________
It's a heroes journey, and you are the hero.

Loving Kindness Meditation will dramatically improve your spirits; give it a try for just 3 days: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sz7cpV7ERsM

Top
#454667 - 11/21/13 07:45 PM Re: Imploding [Re: Magellan]
ThisMan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/22/13
Posts: 767
Loc: upper south
Magellan-
I just want you to know that I am wishing you well, as the other guys are. I am sorry you are so low and that it has lasted for such a long time. I have no great words of wisdom or a new road map to show the way out.

Your comments related to the darkness, the living in hell because of the loneliness, even the fact that the T was unavailable for 3 months stood out for me.

I too am alone. What once was ended a decade ago. And somedays the loneliness is more that I can stand. But I get up. I get out. Even if just for a drive down a country lane or to tour a big box store, I get out. It was impossibly hard at first for me to do this. Now, I have complete conversations with complete strangers.

The Hell in life comes, the hell in life goes. It's simply called life. Love grows, love dies. People enter and give joy, people exit leaving behind destruction. Such it is, man. And at times its harder than hard.

And as far as a therapist goes, well… they are just another person willing to listen and perhaps guide.

I agree that you may perhaps need to reread your signature line. HEROES. You just explained some incredible life happenings that you have overcome, from your disabilities, to the emotionless existence of childhood, to the bullying you endured. You have already overcome so dang much, my friend. And your responses to some of my postings have given me the strength to continue forth with my head held high.

Maybe you could pick an hour and just declare yourself to be your hero. Grab a copy "The Fifth Agreement" and begin to read parts of it. You will discover and you will agree… God, we all have too agree with this… if not we are lost…. WE ARE NOT OUR STORY. I love this so much I may alter my signature line… We are not our story.

I am not, you are not, none of us are. The abuses, the assaults, the rapes have rolled in like winter blizzards but they are not us. Fight the urges to let your story define you. Continue to fight it as you have.

And the only contradiction I will offer to you with the utmost respect, Megellan, is that life is a gift. And if there are days when you only talk to the sun, or to a stranger, then fuckin' talk to the sun or the stranger. We become the words we speak, the words we hear.

Will be thinking of you and like you, will be fighting the loneliness this holiday season. My best, brotherman.
_________________________
For now we see through a glass, darkly.



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#454668 - 11/21/13 07:45 PM Re: Imploding [Re: Magellan]
Magellan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/31/10
Posts: 1408
Loc: California
I'm starting to wonder if everyone has been bullshitting me all my life about the things I was supposed to do in order to find the success I needed to have (making friends, finding love, etc).

I've done literally everything that counselors, therapists, 12 step, and people who expressed concern for me.

Nothing has come to pass. Are people just bullshitting? Honestly. Are people just HOPING that the good will come? Because I really had my heart set on finding answers, but the answers still won't come to me.

I'm heading down a very dark path. Going on week 3 of feeling like this. I'm scared shitless. No, I'm angry beyond comprehension, and scared of where this is taking me.

All that work for SHIT.

Thisman - thank you for taking the time to write and respond. I know you care, and I know that others here care as well. But life has been a long curse for me. I keep failing at the most basic things.

And, don't take it personally - its not just you - its a LOT of people telling me I should be proud that ... Proud that I didn't turn into a monster? Proud that I didn't become a child molester? Proud that I didn't become homeless? Proud that I didn't become a murderer, or a thief or any of the other numerous things I could have become?

This is something to be PROUD of? To call myself a hero because I can simply survive?

No thank you. That's nothing to be proud of. I need to love and be loved. I need what ALL HUMANS NEED - BELONGING.

IT'S A FUCKING BASIC HUMAN NEED, AND I CAN'T GET IT MET. I resent when people tell me I should be feeling proud but I have nothing to be proud of. I'm an abject failure in the most basic things. I spent many years (decades) thinking I might be retarded or autistic because I couldn't understand. I'm starting to think that about myself again, because, for the life of me, I just can't make friends, AND I DON"T UNDERSTAND WHY!!!!


I need to check out of this thread. I'm becoming uncontrollably angry. I know all you want to help, but SHIT! FUCK! ****NOTHING IS WORKING!!!!!!*****
_________________________
It's a heroes journey, and you are the hero.

Loving Kindness Meditation will dramatically improve your spirits; give it a try for just 3 days: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sz7cpV7ERsM

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#454673 - 11/21/13 08:00 PM Re: Imploding [Re: Magellan]
gettingstronger Offline


Registered: 09/24/13
Posts: 175
Loc: Virginia
Hi Magellan,

Sometimes there just aren't words.... I SO wish I could help you fix this! I also had no idea you were going through things of this magnitude. Thank you, VERY MUCH, for sharing this!

You're absolutely right for feeling the way you do. All of us are familiar with betrayal in varying degrees, but the realization you speak of is truly shocking. (This is NOT to denigrate any other survivor's experience in any way.) I can see where you'd be in a state of rage. I would be.

Please stay connected to MS. No one here may have answers, but at least there are lots of guys here who are willing to supply whatever support is possible under the circumstances. If absolutely nothing else, you have nearly 12,000 shoulders to cry on, including mine.

Again, I truly wish there was some way I could make this ugliness go away. I can't. But I, and the others here, can support you as best we can, and please consider this done.

(RELIGION WARNING)

I also know you haven't had many positive experiences from prayer, but I'd like to pray for you and put you on the list at my church. I believe this has had a major impact on my own recovery. Believe me, I was at rock bottom myself when I went to them with my csa issues.

Take care and know that I, and many others, are supporting you.

Bob

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#454674 - 11/21/13 08:05 PM Re: Imploding [Re: Magellan]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 3362
Loc: O Kanada
my heart goes out to you.
i know that feeling of being alone in a crowd.
i have been working in the entertainment business for most of my life. still do.
it can be a cold culture.
there are few friendlies.
i can count my true friends on one finger.
but a handful of social associates is still better than isolation and solitude.

i began to project love,
aiming it directly at people,
pretending i had a psychic power,
and i learned to expect and accept the rejections,
until i had a small collection of connections.

there is another aspect to consider.
i love people, but sometimes i sought solitude,
and savoured many months at a time by myself.

i know now it was what i needed.
time to process.
but all through those periods, i continued to crave human contact.
this inner conflict led to confusion, stress and depression.
in retrospect, those lonely times were part of my recovery progress. i could have enjoyed them more.

that kind of peace has been impossible since my children were born, 18 years ago,
and i miss those quiet times of self absorption.

just another perspective to ponder.
hindsight is perfect vision.
_________________________
Victor|Victim

War
Love
Poetry

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#454751 - 11/22/13 05:46 AM Re: Imploding [Re: Magellan]
KentuckyPoet Offline


Registered: 11/18/13
Posts: 39
Loc: Kentucky
Magellan,

You have said several times that you have done everything that therapists/society/others have wanted or implied to want for you to do. This is a theme in your posts. Then you express anger, rage and bitterness over doing those things and not getting a return. Perhaps you should put yourself premiere in the equation. Do what you want you do to and then, at least, you will be moving in a direction that was dictated by your own known desires. You can still recognize the desires of others and take them into consideration but you be the one who decides the final shape of your path forward. That seems a more sound approach.
Also, if you are in this negative cycle, it will be hard to make friends. It's hard to make friends anyway. I'm not saying you want to be in the negative cycle but your posts are seething and it may be that those around you sense this animus and they are confused by it and maybe they even think they are the cause of it? I don't know but I'm just throwing that out there.
That said, from someone who has hardly ever done what others expect of me, I want to agree with you that there is whole lot of fucking worthless bullshit coming out of the mouths of people. Narcissism most often trumps altruism. Indifference outdoes concern and compassion. Stoic faces outnumber the faces who smile. All of that is true and it is why you need to be your own adjudicator of what is right and good for you.
If I said anything to make you angry feel free to cuss me all you want and I'll understand but, know this, I see all kinds of pain on MS since I joined and, in a way, it is comforting because I know that what I go through is not my personal failure. It is me working through what has been done to me by another.
I hope your implosion settles and you get on the other side of much of your anger because it sounds like your anger is at other people but it's not harming them. It's harming you. That alone will prevent you from seeing any answer which might be on the distant horizon. That's my two cents, anyhow.
Love and peace from Kentucky.
_________________________
The whole world changes in a single bloom- Me in a poem

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#454772 - 11/22/13 10:40 AM Re: Imploding [Re: Magellan]
Magellan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/31/10
Posts: 1408
Loc: California
Hi KP

Hm. You make an interesting point. The bullshit from others + no parenting from my mom = a profoundly clueless and frustrated me.

Yeah, I'm seething with anger because I'm doing all the "right things", and still hurting. People have literally promised me that if I did x, y, z .... No. That isn't true.

I *have* spent an entire lifetime pursuing things I like; because I haven't had many friendships (and no romance) in my life to keep me busy.

I also hope I get beyond this. I suppose it is progress for me to put the anger where it belongs - not at myself for being disabled, and not at life for me being alive - but at my mother who intended me to be this way. What a horrendous thing she did. I'm just now realizing this.

I spent the first 40 years of my life resenting that I was alive at all, and resenting that I was disabled. I was angry "at life" for so long. At the beginning of this year, I challenged myself to try and overcome that, and then all this new information started bubbling up about my mother. And now I see how insane it is for a disabled person to be angry for being disabled - but that was the only thing I knew. That's what my mom taught me.

Add to the total cluelessness of my life; the 2 disabilities I was born with that are largely invisible to everyone else; severe hearing loss and double vision / poor eye function. I'm not in an obvious wheelchair where people will KNOW, and give me the pass that people give the obviously disabled. Because of the nature of my disabilities, I miss a LOT of social cues as a result.

It's a match made in hell.

Thank you for your thoughtful response, KP.


Edited by Magellan (11/22/13 02:42 PM)
_________________________
It's a heroes journey, and you are the hero.

Loving Kindness Meditation will dramatically improve your spirits; give it a try for just 3 days: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sz7cpV7ERsM

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#454777 - 11/22/13 11:09 AM Re: Imploding [Re: Magellan]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 3362
Loc: O Kanada
i have read this somewhere else in this forum but it really helped me.
it is worth repeating, because i always forget..

"resentment is like drinking poison,
then waiting for the enemy to die."

spit that poison out, it is bad for you.
_________________________
Victor|Victim

War
Love
Poetry

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#454779 - 11/22/13 11:25 AM Re: Imploding [Re: victor-victim]
Magellan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/31/10
Posts: 1408
Loc: California
Well, yeah. I clearly know that. I'm struggling with coming to terms with some horrendous stuff, and I know I have to let it go but have no idea how. Which is why I'm posting?

So I'm not clear on why you chose to post that?
_________________________
It's a heroes journey, and you are the hero.

Loving Kindness Meditation will dramatically improve your spirits; give it a try for just 3 days: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sz7cpV7ERsM

Top
#454782 - 11/22/13 11:38 AM Re: Imploding [Re: Magellan]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 3362
Loc: O Kanada
i am trying to make you feel better.
it's the best i can do.
all i can do is share what works and has always worked for me.

i have already told you all my tricks.
i'm all out of options.
_________________________
Victor|Victim

War
Love
Poetry

Top
#454802 - 11/22/13 02:41 PM Re: Imploding [Re: Magellan]
Magellan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/31/10
Posts: 1408
Loc: California
Thank you, Victor.


_________________________
It's a heroes journey, and you are the hero.

Loving Kindness Meditation will dramatically improve your spirits; give it a try for just 3 days: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sz7cpV7ERsM

Top
#454803 - 11/22/13 02:42 PM Re: Imploding [Re: gettingstronger]
Magellan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/31/10
Posts: 1408
Loc: California
Thank you, Bob.

Originally Posted By: gettingstronger
Hi Magellan,

Sometimes there just aren't words.... I SO wish I could help you fix this! I also had no idea you were going through things of this magnitude. Thank you, VERY MUCH, for sharing this!

You're absolutely right for feeling the way you do. All of us are familiar with betrayal in varying degrees, but the realization you speak of is truly shocking. (This is NOT to denigrate any other survivor's experience in any way.) I can see where you'd be in a state of rage. I would be.

Please stay connected to MS. No one here may have answers, but at least there are lots of guys here who are willing to supply whatever support is possible under the circumstances. If absolutely nothing else, you have nearly 12,000 shoulders to cry on, including mine.

Again, I truly wish there was some way I could make this ugliness go away. I can't. But I, and the others here, can support you as best we can, and please consider this done.

(RELIGION WARNING)

I also know you haven't had many positive experiences from prayer, but I'd like to pray for you and put you on the list at my church. I believe this has had a major impact on my own recovery. Believe me, I was at rock bottom myself when I went to them with my csa issues.

Take care and know that I, and many others, are supporting you.

Bob
_________________________
It's a heroes journey, and you are the hero.

Loving Kindness Meditation will dramatically improve your spirits; give it a try for just 3 days: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sz7cpV7ERsM

Top
#454804 - 11/22/13 02:49 PM Re: Imploding [Re: 1lifenow]
Magellan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/31/10
Posts: 1408
Loc: California
Thank you for this reply. I struggle to see the good in me, despite how hard I have been trying. Because I have carried anger with me for so long, I can come across as a complete asshole without even realizing it (it certainly is not intentional). Such is the nature of Complex PTSD.



Originally Posted By: 1lifenow
There is only right now, breath

You were dealt a severe hand no doubt about it.

Not just behind the 8 ball, not even on the table, yet you are here.

there is no:
- purpose
- god
- sin
- plan
- overseer
- one true scripture
- saviour
- answers to prayers

Except for yourself, YOU ARE REAL - the other things on the list, not so much, at least there is no evidence or even any good reasonable/rational argument they may be remotely true. Accepting that others are entitled believe as they will is part being considerate, I just respectfully disagree.

Getting and keeping friends is about taking interest in other , volunteering, giving of yourself, showing kindness, compassion, small acts of consideration and love. These these are human values you posses in spades, with a royal flush of humility.

You know you are a good person, do what you can to show it. That's all any of us have. Sometimes its luck we meet someone, sometimes serendipity and some
times the internet. I met a survivor in my city who has cerebral palsy. Great guy, gay and yet without being ripped, well dressed or coifed, he is a sweet man that makes everyone else around him feel at ease. This lovely man, like you capable of so much more than his disability. He told me of his struggles to find someone in such a limited sea, but through getting himself out there in the community he met a wonderful man who is deaf. Charm does not come in designer jeans.

All any of us have is our fighting spirit and our innate, natural ability to just be as we are. We can and do all strive to be better men but today and right now, i know from some of your past posts, you are a man of caring and thoughtfulness. We all care about you too.

Big Hugz
Grant

_________________________
It's a heroes journey, and you are the hero.

Loving Kindness Meditation will dramatically improve your spirits; give it a try for just 3 days: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sz7cpV7ERsM

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#455200 - 11/27/13 08:46 AM Re: Imploding [Re: Magellan]
ModTeam Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/06
Posts: 691
It appears this topic has reached the end of it's course. Using the discussion board to explore situations, thoughts and emotions is beneficial and healthy, until such time that the discussion has reached a resolution. This action does not necessarily reflect on the original post nor the sum of the replies, but it has introduced life ending ideation into the topic, which is against site guidelines. This topic has been discussed and for the purposes of recovery has been thoroughly answered. Site management continually strives to provide an environment safe for the purpose of pursuing one’s recovery from the effects of past sexual abuse. Please do not attempt to repost this topic, as doing so may be cause for further action by site management.

Your cooperation on this matter is appreciated.

Regards

The Moderators
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