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#454483 - 11/19/13 07:43 PM Imploding
Magellan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/31/10
Posts: 1388
Loc: California
I had a major realization a few weeks ago that turned into a giant monster that I can't control. It is destroying me with rage and anger.

The realization? Something that hadn't made sense about my mom's relationship to me suddenly clicked into place and it all made sense. The stories she's told me about my birth, and her being a victim in all of it were lies. The truth is, she used my genetic father to have a baby. She knew he was disabled. She is also disabled. She used him to assure herself THAT SHE WOULD HAVE A DISABLED BABY. She planned me to be disabled. She did it deliberately.

As a result, I was born with multiple disabilities because my mother wanted a disabled child. Why the fuck would a person deliberately do that? Because she is the professional victim, always playing the victim card, and she could assure her victimhood by bandying about how she now has a disabled child and how much of a handout she would need from the family. And boy did she receive financial handouts! Though I spent the majority of my youth on welfare.

Instead of giving me the additional support that all children with disabilities need (stimulation, engagement, play) - she proceeded to ignore me. I never received any parenting from her, or from my step father when she remarried.

I was obliterated by this realization while simultaneously finally UNDERSTANDING her, and UNDERSTANDING why I grew up feeling the feelings I felt (being angry for being born - being angry for being born with disabilities). This all makes sense to me, for the first time ever.

Shortly after that realization, another major realization: I haven't got a clue what romance is. I have been fooling myself into believing that "some day...". But I suddenly realized that my comprehension of romance/love is so out of whack, and no where near what most people do within the romantic relationship. I learned that romance is born out of the desire for friendship, of which, sexual attraction is a part of it.

I just learned this 2 weeks ago.

I just learned 2 weeks ago that everything I thought I knew about romance was entirely wrong. It would explain why I have NEVER had a romantic relationship. It would also explain why I almost never get beyond the 2nd date.

As a result, I've totally and completely given up all hope on finding romance. I can't comprehend it. Shit, I can't even make friends.

I'm turning 42 in a couple weeks. I'll be alone. I'll be alone for thanksgiving. And I'll be alone for Christmas. and I'll be alone for new years too.

I can't continue living my life alone. I can't continue watching the world around me buzz through the joyful and agonizing chaos of getting into and out of relationships while I sit idly by on the sidelines getting old and gray and feeling resentful that I can't participate.

I've already spent my entire life sitting on the sidelines feeling like I can't participate because of my severe hearing loss and double vision. Both of these have severely limited my access to opportunity. I've sat on the sidelines of life while watching everyone else LIVE.

I'm so filled with envy and resentment now. A few days ago I posted that "I hate my mother". She is to blame for putting me into this place called "earth". Which I consider to be hell. I know that I am responsible for how I take care of the mess she created. She can't clean up her mess, but I'm forced to live it.

I fucking hate my life.

I'm so envious of everyone who have families. Dysfunctional or not - y'all have some people in your lives who need you.

I'm alone. I've been alone for a very long time, and I'm getting lonelier with age. I've been in an emotional implosion for the last 2 weeks, and I can't pull out of it. Getting darker and darker by the day.

Oh. And my therapist is on vacation for 3 months. I've written him several emails and his best response is "Don't give up on yourself!"

What the fuck for?! So I can endure more pain and suffering? So that I can have MORE ripped out of my life that I thought I had, but never had in the first place? So I can become even MORE disillusioned?? SERIOUSLY!??!

This life? This is supposed to be a gift? I literally feel like I was born in hell. If there is a christian 'god', then I've already lived a life apparently filled with sin because I woke up in hell and it is every bit as agonizing as how I imagined it as a child.




_________________________
It's a heroes journey, and you are the hero.

Loving Kindness Meditation will dramatically improve your spirits; give it a try for just 3 days: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sz7cpV7ERsM

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#454487 - 11/19/13 07:55 PM Re: Imploding [Re: Magellan]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 3007
Loc: O Kanada
i wish there was some way i could fix it for you.

all i can do i feel the impact of your words.

there were times in my life where even hope seemed lost.
so i can relate.
_________________________
Victor|Victim

War
Love
Poetry

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#454492 - 11/19/13 08:05 PM Re: Imploding [Re: Magellan]
Magellan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/31/10
Posts: 1388
Loc: California
Thank you Victor.

Mom intentionally had a disabled baby so she could further her "i'm a victim!" story and get financial hand outs from the family; which she nailed in spades. She hasn't worked in over 20 years.

I know I was born a beautiful boy, full of love, wonder, and awe. But because my mom did what she did, neglected me, and didn't nurture me; and because children can be cruel bullies; I was bullied because I wore glasses and hearing aids.

That turned me into a very angry and sour 11 year old, and I was already abusing other people, and flirting with sexually abusing other kids. I grew up fearing the monster in me - I was terrified that I was becoming a pedophile. I was also terrified that I might some day snap and kill a bunch of people in a massacre. That was how I grew up.

I struggled for many years carrying this nasty horrible secret in my head; that I was attracted to people younger than myself that I should not have been attracted to. Thankfully, I appear to have grown out of that.

But now that I'm trying to face my recovery head on, I find the things that used to give me hope and sustenance being ripped away from me one by one. At this late day and age, I find that I can't make friends, I find myself filled with anger and envy.

I find myself totally lost despite my best efforts to try and recover. I nearly became a monster and acted out. I came back from that abyss, only to suffer even more.

Why? WHY?
_________________________
It's a heroes journey, and you are the hero.

Loving Kindness Meditation will dramatically improve your spirits; give it a try for just 3 days: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sz7cpV7ERsM

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#454545 - 11/20/13 10:17 AM Re: Imploding [Re: Magellan]
Magellan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/31/10
Posts: 1388
Loc: California
I suppose my problems are far too severe for anyone here to understand. And I suppose I shouldn't be talking about my personal struggle with overcoming the abusive behaviors I had growing up.

I no longer abuse people. I also have no clue how to make friends. The only types of friendships I knew how to make were ones where I was abusive. I stopped doing that 12 years ago, and haven't had a close friend since. Reward for my good/bad behavior?

I'm sorry I shared too much here. The lack of response is surprising. Perhaps I should leave MS.

_________________________
It's a heroes journey, and you are the hero.

Loving Kindness Meditation will dramatically improve your spirits; give it a try for just 3 days: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sz7cpV7ERsM

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#454547 - 11/20/13 10:33 AM Re: Imploding [Re: Magellan]
George Offline
Member

Registered: 01/29/01
Posts: 120
Loc: NY metro
No, you are in the right place to talk a out it. Plenty here feel bad for involving others, perhaps hurting them. Its rough stuff to deal with but you are dealing with it by talking and trying to understand it. I'm in a public place on my phone so can't type more.

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#454552 - 11/20/13 12:32 PM Re: Imploding [Re: Magellan]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 3007
Loc: O Kanada
i know exactly what you are going through, Magellan.
it is not too much for me to handle.
i have been there, too many times.

the truth is, i wish i could tell you what to do, except
the problem is, i don't know how to control my own moods.
i just wait them out, knowing that another mood will come along to replace it soon enough, as long as i don't act on any of my crazy compulsions.

*** this is not an attempt to convert ***
the only thing that has ever worked for me,
believe it or not, is prayer.

i did not want to pray.
i tried every coping calming technique i could find,
it was my last possible option.
i did it out of desperation.
once i started, it worked.
it is the only thing that works for me.
over time, the situation has improved dramatically.
i use prayer to calm down every time.
when i forget or refuse to pray,
the shit gets bad.



_________________________
Victor|Victim

War
Love
Poetry

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#454557 - 11/20/13 01:08 PM Re: Imploding [Re: Magellan]
Magellan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/31/10
Posts: 1388
Loc: California
I've prayed all my life.
_________________________
It's a heroes journey, and you are the hero.

Loving Kindness Meditation will dramatically improve your spirits; give it a try for just 3 days: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sz7cpV7ERsM

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#454564 - 11/20/13 03:53 PM Re: Imploding [Re: Magellan]
Smalltown80sBoy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/25/12
Posts: 2217
The bad thing about holidays is that they remind us of what we don't have. Many of us don't live the ideal but have to live with what's painfully real. I'm sure there will be many words of despair posted here in the coming weeks.

I just want you to know that you are not alone in your suffering. Many others are going through their own hell. I'm in a relationship but many are not. Despite our unique situations we do share the common bond of being a survivor. That's something I think we can all understand on some level. So I don't think I'm alone in saying that I understand and that I care.

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#454567 - 11/20/13 04:37 PM Re: Imploding [Re: Magellan]
Bluedogone Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/03/13
Posts: 146
Loc: Southeast US
Magellan,

No, no, no. This is not the time to leave MS. I think one reason there has not been a whole lot of response to your post is that so many who can feel your remorse and agony, and sense the desparation don't know what to say to make it go away. I know I don't have the answer.

Holidays are so much more stressful than usual because it's so easy to see all the people doing all the family stuff of celebrating and seem so happy while I'm so miserable. But there's no one who hasn't gotten depressed and down on themselves at one time or another. Especially anyone whose experienced CSA. Maybe not to your extent of a living hell, but nevertheless feeling exactly how you do. That's not to minimize what you are feeling. It hurts, and it's real. But you have what it takes to get through it.

You may say, "what does that fool know, he doesn't know how horrible my life has been these last two weeks." And you would be right, I don't. But I do know about loneliness and relationships. If I can have a relationship that works, then you can too. My experience with my first wife was a disaster straight from hell. I pissed and moaned about my terrible life to anyone who would listen, but eventually after a very brutal divorce started on the relationship thing again. And strange as it may seem I found someone who I think only God could have found for me. I say all this not to brag, but to simply say there's someone for you but you aren't going to find that romantic relationship by giving up - as difficult as the road ahead seems sometime . A realization that you're in a hopeless spot and your past early life of welfare has doomed you to a life of loneliness and hell is tough to take. But I have two nephews who grew up on welfare and their mother was a welfare queen if there ever was one, but to look at these boys today you would never know their life started that way. You can't erase the past acting out, but you can't use it as an excuse to keep from moving forward either.

Re-read your signature line. "It's a hero's journey and you're the hero." YOU are the hero to more people than you know. And you're the hero to yourself. You can pull yourself out of this pit of loneliness. You have plenty of help here, but it can only be done if you make another realization, that you, and only you, can do it, and you deserve to have a good life in spite of your mother. CSA, or physical handicaps.

Take care.

CJ
_________________________
Never, never, never, never give up....Winston Churchill

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#454577 - 11/20/13 07:47 PM Re: Imploding [Re: Magellan]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 3007
Loc: O Kanada
RELIGION/SPIRITUALITY WARNING!

Originally Posted By: Magellan
I've prayed all my life.





when prayer is not enough,
i study spiritual scriptures.

when that is not enough,
i seek out fellowship at prayer meetings and scripture studies.


i find a combination of all three works for me.

that is all i know about getting through my own negative thoughts. it is what i am doing right now.
it is what i have been doing for the past few years, with all positive results. i don't know what else to suggest.

my old methods of coping (sex&drugs&rock&roll) were not working, they never did.
they only allowed me to forget my self temporarily, not find my self permanently.
so i do not recommend any of those techniques.

i will pray for you after i post this.
don't know if that works, but it will make me feel like at least i tried.
it certainly can't hurt.

wishing you well.
_________________________
Victor|Victim

War
Love
Poetry

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