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#45438 - 08/09/02 04:02 AM Coincidence? Kismet? Cosmic Convergence?
Don-NY Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/06/02
Posts: 546
Loc: Long Island, NY
Or maybe it was just, as she told me yesterday. "Everything happens for a reason"

You decide.

I have taken a leave of absence from work. Again. I did so two years ago, just after I went to the Mike Lew retreat at Kirkridge. At that time, it was from a position of strength. I was in a good place, recovery-wise, and thought I could use the time to make a lot of things right in my life; rediscover myself; break some bad habits and build some new, good ones.

I was partially successful. The real world has a way of creeping in, and reactivating all kinds of crap and negativity. I also made the serious mistake of stopping seeing my therapist during this period. And so it goes.

I've been on a downward trend for a while now, developing new time/life wasting numbing strategies and getting totally immersed in them.

Then this spring, the news about the Catholic church broke and became a relentless daily assault. I withdrew more and more inside my own head - the rage and fear building, requiring more and more numbing.

But still I managed, to do the dishes, get to work, pay the bills, etc, etc. But then the final straw came in the form of a ANOTHER re-organization at work. Suddenly, everything I know, and have been doing and constantly learning for 22 years was no longer my responsibility. I had a whole new job, new tasks, new systems, languages, and programs (computer stuff) to learn, use and support. Not to mention, my manager and "co-workers/team-members" are scattered all over the country, with the only contact to be via phone and email.

I tried to adapt, make it work, but I got further and further behind and confused. This made me more and more angry and feeling helpless so there was no relief for me anytime, anyway.

I started calling in sick 2 and 3 days a week. I spent the time numbing out, or sleeping. I was sinking and suffocating. And now it was early July. I took 5 days off around the 4th, then worked a few days, then took a week off, and I guess by then I had a meltdown.

Couldn't get out of bed. Couldn't stop crying about the rash of kidnappings and murders that were all over the news.

I informed work, by e-mail, that I was taking a leave of absence, 8 weeks, and I called my therapist, and got my ass to him two days later.

Got a lot of the pressure out that visit and determined that I could get my head back together. That was two weeks ago Saturday. I am coming back.

I joined this site and made a post. That felt good.

And all the above is preliminary - just an introduction to the heading of this post: Coincidence, etc.

I had to file some papers at work this week, by today (Thursday). I blew off Monday and Tuesday, just because. Yesterday I had a choice, wait another day or go in, do the paperwork and see if my one friend who would be there would like to have tickets for the Mary J Blige concert last night.

I had bought these tickets as a surprise for another friend who really loves Mary J. Personally, I didn't know her or her music, but anyway, this friend's son is in the National Junior Ice Hockey Championships (GO Steven!!), so she's now in Minnesota or Michigan and I was left with two tickets.

I really didn't want to go. I would have just forgotten about them, but I already wasted $300. of tickets in the past few weeks by just not going, so I wanted someone at least to get some use of the tickets.

So I went to work. Did the paperwork, and then called Liz. She said, "You're here??? I'll be right over."

She came to my office, and hugged me so hard she was hurting me. My eyes got wet because this was unexpected and I was nervous and all kinds of reasons. She then asked me what was up and how I was and before I could answer, she told me that a day before I had called my other friend (Christine - Steven's mom) and told her I was alive and OK and taking a leave, Liz had suggested that they get in the car and drive around my town and try to find me or spot my car and see if I was OK.

When she told me this, I just started crying like a baby. We took a walk outside, and I calmed down, and we had a long talk. I hadn't intended this, but it turned into a disclosure talk.

I told her everything that happened to me and a lot of what my life has been like. She was amazing. Calm and supportive and just 1000% there for me.

Then she said, "Take me to the concert." I hemmed and hawed and said I couldn't. Then she said "OK. But I really need to talk to you more, so let's get something to eat, and then maybe, we'll go to the concert."

So we ate, and we talked and then, Yep, we went to the concert.

So we're at the concert and Mary J is pretty damn good. Excellent voice, high, high energy, and really interacting with the audience. She really made me wish I knew her music beforehand and we were having a pretty good time.

Then the bombshell. About halfway in, Mary J stopped the show, and in a ranting wailing voice she started talking about the recent abductions, and abuse and murders. She said "My daddy left when I was four years old and when I was 5 a grown man put his hands all over me - HE TOUCHED ME DADDY, HE RAPED ME DADDY. WHY, WHY, WHY WOULD A MAN DO SOMETHING LIKE THAT - WHY DADDY WHY.

There was more. She said she wasn't ashamed anymore, and she didn't care who knows, and she pointed at one part of the audience up front and said "go put it on the radio, put in it your papers, cause I don't care who knows. I didn't do nothing, and NO ONE is gonna do NOTHING to me ever again!!!!!"

Well there was dead silence in the audience, except the quiet sounds on one man sobbing, while his friend Liz held his shoulder.

I got some looks, but who cares. I had had a very emotional, draining afternoon talking to Liz, and then a pretty good time just being with her and enjoying the concert and now I was just devastated. Not in a negative way really. It was more bewilderment. I was stunned, I still am really.

I just "came out" about the abuse to a friend who then stays with me for hours and hours to make sure I'm OK, and even helps me start to have a good, normal day, goes to a concert with me and then WHAM, Mary J announces, for the first time anywhere she said, that she's a childhood rape survivor.

Mary J then sang a powerful song about healing and surviving but I was in a daze at this point. When the song ended, we left.

As we walked out, I was babbling. "What just happened? That really just happened, right? Why did that happen?" Liz calmed me down, really just being with her is calming. She has told me before that we have some kind of connection, she knew it when we first met, and this day, and what just happened was supposed to happen. "Donald, I know you disagree, and you have good reasons to, but I think everything happens for a reason. I don't know the reason, and I probably never will, but this is a good thing. It was a good day, and a good night, and there's a good reason why we just heard what we did."

And we left, and got some coffee, and said goodnight. And 24 hours later, I think she was right. I don't know why or how, probably never will, I haven't even really absorbed it all, but something led me to that time and place yesterday and it was a good thing.

Afterthought:
As we chatted over coffee after the show, the subjects of intuition, and fore-knowledge of events came up. We both gave examples, and one of mine was that I always knew when a certain Aunt and Uncle were visiting, before I got home and saw them. Somehow as I got closer to home, they would just pop into my head, and I would know they were there.

This Aunt and Uncle are the first people (of 5 now) that I told about the abuse. They've helped me a lot, and been a great comfort to me since in dealing with this.

Anyway, today at 10:00, my mom called, and told me they had just showed up for a visit. Another coincidence???? My mind boggles.

Thanks for reading this. Sorry about the length. It's kind of like a debriefing, you know?

Later,
Donald

_________________________
If you understand everything, some things are just as they are. If you understand nothing, things are still just as they are.

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#45439 - 08/09/02 05:14 AM Re: Coincidence? Kismet? Cosmic Convergence?
Broken Offline
Member

Registered: 03/25/01
Posts: 273
Loc: Huntingtun Beach, CA, US
every once and a while, destiny pulls out the sledgehammer. Youll make it okay, take it easy on yourself.

we are all there for you


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#45440 - 08/09/02 12:57 PM Re: Coincidence? Kismet? Cosmic Convergence?
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Don
that's wonderful, you must feel so proud of yourself and your friends, rightly so.

Lloydy \:D

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#45441 - 08/09/02 08:24 PM Re: Coincidence? Kismet? Cosmic Convergence?
Roy Offline
Member

Registered: 08/02/02
Posts: 184
Loc: Los Angeles
Pretty incredible story! I think they call it synchronicity. Intense, but very cool.


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#45442 - 08/09/02 09:02 PM Re: Coincidence? Kismet? Cosmic Convergence?
Ken Singer, LCSW Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/24/00
Posts: 5773
Loc: Lambertville, NJ USA
Donald:
Damn amazing. It brought tears to my eyes.
Ken


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#45443 - 08/09/02 09:25 PM Re: Coincidence? Kismet? Cosmic Convergence?
Stephen_5 Offline
BoD Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 09/12/00
Posts: 667
Loc: Northern California Foothills
Hi Donald,

Good to hear from you again, glad you found this place. I was at Mike Lew's retreat two years ago too.

I too believe that in the randomness of the universe sequences of things happen that can have a profound effect on someone. Disclosing and opening up to your friend, having her be supportive and accepting had to be uplifting. Having Mary J. openly disclosing what happened to her coincident with that had to be a bit overwhelming. You made it through and you're stronger for it. It's amazing that the secrets that we were told never to tell anyone about still have that much power over us. Then when we shine the light on them and examine them in context we see them for what they were, lies to protect the perpetrators and keep us under their control. We don't have to let them control us anymore.

Take good care of yourself,

Steve

_________________________
I want to stay as close to the edge as I can without going over. Out on the edge you see all kinds of things you can't see from the center.
Kurt Vonnegut (1922-2007)

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#45444 - 08/09/02 11:00 PM Re: Coincidence? Kismet? Cosmic Convergence?
rax Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/02/00
Posts: 75
Loc: Newark, CA
Hi Donald,

That was an amazing set of coincidences.
Im so glad that you found someone who understands this.
Its true that all things happen for a reason, and in everything that happens, there is a learning experience.

Take care.
rax.


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#45445 - 08/10/02 03:21 AM Re: Coincidence? Kismet? Cosmic Convergence?
RickL Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/16/02
Posts: 84
Loc: Oregon
Don--
I can relate to what you write. These survivor issues can derail me from work. It's like, what's more important? My healing is. As far as opening up to your friend, I also believe there are no accidents in that regard. I was friends with a girl in 9th & 10th grade. We were never romantic, but there was a "connection" that was very strong, and we were friends in a wierd sort of way. After she moved away we wrote letters for about 2 years, (which I saved over all these years). And as I've thought about her over the years, I've wondered what happened to her. I felt like this was someone who was heading for some real challenges as an adult.

About 2 years ago, I decided to try to find her. And amazingly, I was successful. To make a long story short, she too is an incest survivor, child of an alcoholic, etc. We have connected incredibly, and the friendship is as strong as it can be. Sadly, she herself is an alcoholic, but I love her right through that stuff. She lives in NYC, I live in Oregon, so we talk on the phone at least once a week. Deep, amazing sharing. It is a friendship, a very important, mutually enriching one. I'll be staying with her when I travel to the retreat in September.

By the way, I grew up on Long Island (in Manhasset)--I hope you can find supportive people there.


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#45446 - 08/10/02 10:32 AM Re: Coincidence? Kismet? Cosmic Convergence?
Daid Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 02/16/02
Posts: 10
Loc: Ontario
I haven't posted here very often....but saw this post and thought how incredible it was...so felt compelled to post.

Thank you for sharing this story. I have a firm belief that the universe guides us and sends us places for certain reasons. I'm not a believer in coincidence, I think it all happens for a reason. I've always believed, for all my life, that EVERYTHING happens for a reason. It's obvious to me that there was a reason for everything happening today...Including your going to the concert and Mary J disclosing on the stage like that. Maybe your healing energy gave her the strength that she needed to take that step. Maybe your energy was enough?!

Along our healing journey...I think that we encounter those whom we are supposed to meet. Sometimes...I don't think that we are supposed to be freinds with them long...just long enough for them to help us through something. Your friends has been there for you...to help you through this...and get by. She sounds like the kinda friend that will be there for you...for ever...sounds like a keeper to me \:\)

You've made so much great healing steps in what you've posted there Don...keep up the great work.

Take care my friend,

Dave


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#45447 - 08/11/02 10:28 AM Re: Coincidence? Kismet? Cosmic Convergence?
Broken Offline
Member

Registered: 03/25/01
Posts: 273
Loc: Huntingtun Beach, CA, US
i hope something is looking out for you. Destiny is a fickle concept, but i dont think things like this happen randomly. everything in life carries motion, and i dont think that motion is random. Ultimately, it always comes down to choice, but i think a guiding force was there for you. It may hurt now, but you may come to see this someday as a crucial point in your life, something that propelled you towards becoming who you want to be, and overcoming the trauma of your past.

I make as many choice as i can, but i wouldnt mind a helpfull nudge here and there. My destiny feels less like a guardian angel, more like a sniper waiting on the roof. \:\) oh well, i will not allow my life to fall between my fingers, no matter what happens. Take care of yourself.


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