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#454391 - 11/19/13 01:45 AM Hello from Kentucky!
KentuckyPoet Offline


Registered: 11/18/13
Posts: 39
Loc: Kentucky
Hello, I am a writer, bookmaker and carpenter in Kentucky. A month ago, I started a blog about my sexual abuse because I was going literally crazy running the same old tired thoughts around in my head. They were like drill bits ever turning and turning...

Anyhow, I started my blog and "outed" myself and put my name on it and everything. I was nervous and anxious about it but nervous and anxious beat the hell out of going crazy and... doing whatever crazy people do.

Then, yesterday in a USA today article (that got the address wrong) I found out about this place and it was like a dream materialized right before my eyes. So, this is my introduction about what happened to me and how I've come to understand not only the abuse but the abuse's effects upon my life. I should say that I am 150,000 words into my third novel. I am adept at writing long things and this is long.

When I was 11-years-old, I was several years into collecting Star Wars toys. In order to make some extra money to buy Star Wars toys, I got my very first money-making venture outside of my home: I started mowing a neighbor’s lawn. The man lived with his wife on our street.

On the days when I would mow his lawn, he would invite me inside afterwards and offer me a cold Coke. (The real thing and not the Big K soda’s (booo) we had my house.) One day, while inside enjoying a Coke after working, he introduced me to a small room beneath the stairs in his basement where he had a television and a VCR and a small bed that nearly filled the entire area. He said it was a place where he could get away from his wife and watch movies by himself. Eventually he asked me if I wanted to watch a movie in his room. (We didn’t even have a VCR at our house down the street.) When the movie started, I had no idea what was going on because everybody was naked. I remember just being fascinated with all of it because it seemed “adult” and when he suggested that it be our secret, I agreed. Before the summer was over, our watching movies together became him instructing me to masturbate him while the movies played. This all happened over about 4 months and we probably watched movies together a dozen times. Then suddenly, he told me that he was sick and that he thought he was going to die and so he threw his movies away and I wasn’t to come over anymore. I remember the day very clearly and I remember being hurt and I felt like he had thrown our friendship away in an instant and I didn’t understand why.

That was 1 ˝ years before I would get an erection and, I presume, 1 ˝ years before my “sexual” consciousness would have begun if left to develop naturally.

By the time I was 22 I had slept with over a hundred women, several men and some couples. Indeed, starting in 1987, pre-internet, I used to meet couples through swinger magazines. I met with one couple before I was even 18 although I lied to them and told them I was 19. In the 32 years since that summer when I was 11, I have attempted a prolonged relationship with 9 different women. The longest lasting of those 9 relationships was 23 months. The next longest was 12 months. After that, the duration of relationships can be counted in single-digit number of months.

I was 37, single and very aware of the fact that I wasn’t very good at “relationships” when it occurred to me to mentally trace back through my life and look for some “clue”, if you will, about what was going on. I was sitting in my van and had just pulled up in front of a friend’s house when I did this tracing back through time. Suddenly, I was back to 1981 and watching porn with this old man whose lawn I used to mow. I wish I could describe all of the pieces of my life which sort of fell into a “logical” line after that revelation. That is to say, many things instantly made sense as far as how my sexuality and ideas of intimacy had developed.

Now, this may be a very curious moment to some as it definitely was to me. I say so due to the fact that I had never “forgotten” what had happened to me. I didn’t block it out or suppress it or anything like that. I simply thought that it was merely a part of my sexual life like 9 failed relationships. But what occurred to me in that moment in my van as I parked in front of a friend’s house was: THAT WAS THE BEGINNING OF MY SEXUALITY AND, FOR ALL INTENTS AND PURPOSES, THE DEATH KNELL TO MY IDEAS OF INTIMACY AND INTERPERSONAL RELATIONSHIPS. My sexuality was then like "sex" in porn and nothing more.

Here is the way I’ve come to think of it and to understand it as I’ve tried to work my way through this:

Under more typical (read as: moral, legal, innocent, between peers) instances of maturation into one’s sexuality, there must be a period of discovery between the two participants. They (pardon me, I’ve broken down and started crying as I write. I will return…) presumably care for each other. That is to say that if you have two young people figuring out their bodies with each other, they are rooting for each other; on each other’s side; have good will for their partner. With these two young people discovering their sexuality with each other there is even more than this; there is excitement and thrill and passion. There is a mental aspect to it. Maybe there is even love. (I personally know at least two couples who fell in love in high school and they are still together.)

Now, let me contrast that with developing one’s sexuality with a 50-year-old pedophile and some porn.

It is illegal. It is done in hiding and shadows. There is no innocence in it but for the innocence of the victim which is shortly obliterated. It is not between peers. There is no bumbling through and mutual discovery. Nobody is on anybody else’s side. There’s only one side and it belongs to the 50-year-old pedophile. There is not going to be and never was love. There is only utterly ill and evil intent out of which someone’s sexuality is born. There is absolutely nothing mental/emotion about it. It is for one purpose and that is the purpose of the pedophile to have his disgusting, sick fantasy that he has to hide from the world (including his wife- of course, I don’t doubt for a second that she knew.)

Now, I want to use the two above examples of Normal Sexual Development verses Sicko Sexual Development and take it further to sort of get into the territory which I believe causes the despair, loneliness, disorientation, despondency and isolation of victims which I’ve both experienced and read of in some very high profile child sexual abuse cases. (Corey Haim is a good example. He overdosed at the age of 38 and that is just around the age when, 6 years ago, I had my own epiphany regarding the damage to my intimacy mechanisms.) In the former example (NSD), whatever workings exist within us when we are children and that eventually grow into all of those strengths and capacities for maintaining a relationship are used and nurtured. They are, in a very real sense of the word, awakened by the very activities they are in place to facilitate and make possible. They awaken and they grown and they become a part of the human within whom they are alive. I feel that these mechanisms are, if not vital, extremely important.

Now, here is what I think happens to these nascent mechanisms of intimacy in a child who is sexually abused: They are destroyed and obliterated and, consequently, they do not grow with the person as that person grows. I believe that the mind of an 11-year-old boy is not equipped to comprehend movies full of a dozen naked people having an orgy (one of the movies I watched with my abuser). I believe the images and ideas that I saw and was exposed to supplanted any intimacy mechanisms that would have formed and, like that, in 4 months during 1981 when I was 11, my love life was snuffed out before it began.
I believe that one can sort of ride on auto-pilot, so to speak, for some time (two and half decades) and get by going through the motions and have as much sex as you can manage, but this missing part, its void, will catch up with you. And when it does, you’re in the middle of your fucking life and all of sudden, swoooosh!, 20+ years of thinking you knew what was going on gets pulled out from under you in an instant and you are left to fend for yourself.

Add to this, that while you suddenly realize how fucked up you are, there is nothing that “happened” in your life to have done this to you at the moment (or even within 20 years of the moment) you feel it. That is, you didn’t just get hit by a car; you didn’t just have a heart attack; you didn’t get stabbed during a robbery; etc. So, to all of those around you, you are the same person you were yesterday. So you are kind of reeling all alone and, from what I can tell, this disillusionment does not dissipate in time. It seems to actually gather a kind of energy in the very circular thought pattern created as you try to get your way out of it. It is easy for me to understand why, in these circumstances, someone (Corey Haim) might work to mask all of this confusion, anger, despair and emptiness with drugs and to just keep trying until he uses too many drugs and overdoses.

Anyhow, that's what happened to me and I have many more thoughts. I will come here often because I already love it here and I love all of you already. (It's the poet in me.)

So so happy to have found this place. I cried like a baby (or even better than a baby!)
_________________________
The whole world changes in a single bloom- Me in a poem

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#454393 - 11/19/13 02:11 AM Re: Hello from Kentucky! [Re: KentuckyPoet]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 2974
Loc: O Kanada
welcome, kentuckypoet.

i love Kentucky blue grass.

i am looking forward to reading some of your poems,
should you decide to share some of it in our poetry forum.

your story all too familiar and similar to so many other survivors.
it saddens and sickens me to read about what happened to you, and to too many other children.

you are not alone.

despite the horror you have been forced to endure,
it pleases me to welcome you to ms.org.

you seem to be well-informed, thoughtful, and very skillful at expressing yourself.
i look forward to hearing more insights from you.






_________________________
Victor|Victim

War
Love
Poetry

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#454394 - 11/19/13 02:27 AM Re: Hello from Kentucky! [Re: KentuckyPoet]
KentuckyPoet Offline


Registered: 11/18/13
Posts: 39
Loc: Kentucky
Thanks Victor! I love your bluegrass graphic!

I was wondering about the poetry forum... Is it for any poetry or just poetry about sexual abuse? It's funny, I have written "love" poems but they are all about love lost and gone... Go figure!

(Your post almost has a poetic-form look to it)

It is so nice (a miracle) to find other people that "get it" before you've even told them what's up. I've been reading here all night and just nodding my head at things people say. Most relevant to my near past is what someone called "the vortex" in one post. Just the thoughts circling and circling! I actually had one day, just before I started my blog, where I thought for a second I had done something wrong. I started feeling culpable for something horrible and I can tell you I have never had anything but consensual sex with adults and have never even had thoughts of anything but consensual sex with adults. But there was one day where this huge fear and anxiety came over me and I was trying to figure out what I did wrong. That is when I decided to start the blog.
_________________________
The whole world changes in a single bloom- Me in a poem

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#454396 - 11/19/13 02:35 AM Hello from Vancouver! [Re: KentuckyPoet]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 2974
Loc: O Kanada
here is a page designed to welcome newcomers.
http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=282443&an=1#Post282443


re: poetry forum...
i just post what i feel.
all my posted poems are here:
http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=452754#Post452754

the poetry guidelines are here:
http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=postlist&Board=8&page=1
Quote:
Discussions among male survivors about survivor poetry, interpretation and thoughts.

Notice: All posts in this forum are viewable by the public.

Please contact the moderator if you believe a post is "Off Topic" for this forum and should be moved to a more appropriate forum.
Please use the "Report Post" link (located at the bottom of every post) if you believe a post is abusive.
If you receive a PM you believe is abusive do not post the PM publicly. Contact the Board Administrator and include a copy of the PM.


the website guidelines are here:
http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=423271&an=8#Post423271
and here:
http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=newuser&p=y&PHPSESSID=


don't worry, the moderators will let you know if you cross any lines.
_________________________
Victor|Victim

War
Love
Poetry

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#454398 - 11/19/13 02:44 AM Re: Hello from Kentucky! [Re: KentuckyPoet]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 2974
Loc: O Kanada
this may be some sort of weird coincidence, KentuckyPoet,
but i was recently (last week) commissioned to write and publish a book.

currently, i am assigned the task of researching logistics.
the investor needs some answers.

today, i see you describe yourself as a bookmaker.

if you have knowledge in the area of self-financed authors, the costs involved, graphic and text formats, etc, i would love to pick your mind a little.
i have produced many things, but never a hardcopy book.
i could use a little inside information,
so as to avoid first-timers pitfalls.

if you are open to this discussion,
please send me a PM.
_________________________
Victor|Victim

War
Love
Poetry

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#454406 - 11/19/13 03:46 AM Re: Hello from Kentucky! [Re: victor-victim]
KentuckyPoet Offline


Registered: 11/18/13
Posts: 39
Loc: Kentucky
Boy, I was sure I was going crazy when I couldn't find the "reply" tab but, of course, you have to sign in to see that...

Uhm, I make handmade books with wooden covers in my shop, DShop. So it's sort of just me and then I sell them as books/art to buyers. So, I have zero experience with the publishing world but for my first book and that wasn't a great experience. Here's a look at my masterpiece! And there's one of my other books there that didn't take me 2 months like the one with all the inlay and the glass-top case.


Edited by KentuckyPoet (11/22/13 03:46 AM)
_________________________
The whole world changes in a single bloom- Me in a poem

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#454416 - 11/19/13 07:41 AM Re: Hello from Kentucky! [Re: KentuckyPoet]
traveler Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3211
Loc: back in the USA
welcome, KentuckyPoet!

great intro. you should feel right at home here. sounds like you have a lot to offer to our discussion. hope you find a lot of support and understanding.

LEE
_________________________
We are often troubled, but not crushed;
sometimes in doubt, but never in despair;
there are many enemies, but we are never without a friend;
and though badly hurt at times, we are not destroyed.
- Paul, II Cor 4:8-9

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#454447 - 11/19/13 01:35 PM Re: Hello from Kentucky! [Re: traveler]
KentuckyPoet Offline


Registered: 11/18/13
Posts: 39
Loc: Kentucky
Thanks Lee, I slept better last night than I have in a long time. I do have a lot of thoughts and its good to find a place where I can share them. I've found that friends and family all go real quiet if you try to talk about this. I understand why but, nonetheless, you start to feel real alone when that happens.
_________________________
The whole world changes in a single bloom- Me in a poem

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#454972 - 11/24/13 11:18 PM Re: Hello from Kentucky! [Re: KentuckyPoet]
BuffaloCO Offline


Registered: 07/14/12
Posts: 412
Loc: USA
Welcome to the site. It's good to connect with someone who understands words, like for me it's how they first hurt and now they can heal. Writing is one thing they could not steal from or beat out of me. I still have that and am learning to use it now. Glad you found us.
_________________________
“We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark. The real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light.” - Plato

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#455048 - 11/25/13 08:33 PM Re: Hello from Kentucky! [Re: KentuckyPoet]
ThisMan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/22/13
Posts: 758
Loc: upper south
Kypoet- Also a welcome from me. Glad you found this place.
_________________________
For now we see through a glass, darkly.



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#455054 - 11/25/13 10:20 PM Re: Hello from Kentucky! [Re: KentuckyPoet]
KMCINVA Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 1446
Kentuckypoet

Welcome and I am sorry all you have gone through. You have made strides in healing--facing the past and realizing everyone has issues. The exposure to sex--be it rape or any form is damaging to a young child's mind. The mind at that age doesn't understand what is happening and for some, why the body reacts. And years later you are told the reaction to the sex or porn is suppose to be pleasurable--not you are more confused. The mind has been played with and it haunts until we face the abuse openly and honestly. You are doing it.

Welcome and thank you for sharing.

Kevin

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#455217 - 11/27/13 11:32 AM Re: Hello from Kentucky! [Re: KentuckyPoet]
cant_remember Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/05
Posts: 997
KP,

I have sent you a PM. You and I have a lot to discuss.

Cant
_________________________
Recovery is possible. Hang in there, brothers.

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