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#454247 - 11/18/13 10:09 AM I still dont see the answer I need.
christie1013 Offline


Registered: 11/06/13
Posts: 31
I have only seen one other SO ask this question. I've read through hundreds of threads. Maybe there is not an answer.

Why/How did I become like an aunt/cousin as far as s/x is concerned when right prior to that, I was a sexy in-love lover??? What does this mean - how did this happen - does it ever go back?????

I knew that disclosure was going to have ramifications. I was fine with waiting until he felt more comfortable. I was fine with baby steps. I wasn't going to put any pressure on him. But this comment he makes seems irrepairable.

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#454270 - 11/18/13 12:00 PM Re: I still dont see the answer I need. [Re: christie1013]
lucylives Offline


Registered: 04/07/11
Posts: 363
Maybe Madonna/whore complex?

Maybe, if he was abused by a family member, since you are now family to him by marriage, he doesn't feel right being intimate with you because he knows how wron it can be.

Maybe he doesn't want to taint you.

Maybe he is just scared because he feels so vulnerable now that he has disclosed

Maybe if he is intimate with you, especially with him initiating, he is afraid you will see him as a perp.

It could be so many different things.

Questions similar to this one have plagued me for the last few years. Unfortunately no one can know what is in someone else's head. Pray for awareness and then let it go. More will be revealed when it is meant to.

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#454273 - 11/18/13 12:21 PM Re: I still dont see the answer I need. [Re: christie1013]
Esposa Offline
F&F Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 703
Loc: NJ

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#454304 - 11/18/13 03:10 PM Re: I still dont see the answer I need. [Re: christie1013]
JustScott Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/27/08
Posts: 2578
Some insight perhaps? This is from a 4000 word suicide note left by a survivor of sexual abuse. It's WORTH a read if you REALLY REALLY want to get a glimpse of understanding.

Specifically though I want those SO's here to see these words:

Quote:
Relationships always started out fine and I'd be able to ignore him for a few weeks. But as we got closer emotionally the darkness would return and every night it'd be me, her and the darkness in a black and gruesome threesome. He would surround me and penetrate me and the more we did the more intense it became. It made me hate being touched, because as long as we were separated I could view her like an outsider viewing something good and kind and untainted. Once we touched, the darkness would envelope her too and take her over and the evil inside me would surround her. I always felt like I was infecting anyone I was with.


and

Quote:
Last spring I met someone who was unlike anyone else I'd ever met. Someone who showed me just how well two people could get along and how much I could care about another human being. Someone I know I could be with and love for the rest of my life, if I weren't so fucked up. Amazingly, she liked me. She liked the shell of the man the darkness had left behind. But it didn't matter because I couldn't be alone with her. It was never just the two of us, it was always the three of us: her, me and the darkness. The closer we got, the more intensely I'd feel the darkness, like some evil mirror of my emotions. All the closeness we had and I loved was complemented by agony that I couldn't stand, from him. I realized that I would never be able to give her, or anyone, all of me or only me. She could never have me without the darkness and evil inside me. I could never have just her, without the darkness being a part of all of our interactions.


I hope this helps helps bring you closer to an answer.

You can read the full letter here.


Edited by JustScott (11/18/13 03:11 PM)

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#454333 - 11/18/13 05:45 PM Re: I still dont see the answer I need. [Re: christie1013]
overwhelmed1975 Offline


Registered: 09/23/13
Posts: 25
Christie, I just finished reading the entire 8 page thread that Esposa posted. A survivor posted some very insightful info. regarding views on sex. What I took away from it is that since the first sexual encounter was an act of violence, oppression, and evil, it is hard to change that perspective when having sex with a spouse or a loving partner. They don't know what it is like to have sex be an intimate loving act, only one of force and negativity. Or they love and value you so much, they feel that you cant be part of that terrible truth they have been hiding. You are safe therefore non-sexual because sex to them is/was a weapon of torment.


Edited by overwhelmed1975 (01/31/14 07:25 PM)

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#454364 - 11/18/13 10:39 PM Re: I still dont see the answer I need. [Re: overwhelmed1975]
christie1013 Offline


Registered: 11/06/13
Posts: 31
I read it all as well. Several times. I understand what you just said and it makes sense. His response that I am like an aunt/cousin may be that he wants to say "mother" but they didn't have a good relationship. She was physically and emotionally abusive so I am confused about the Madonna/Whore complex, as I know he doesn't have her on any type of pedestal.
so what do you do from here? In my case I guess nothing. We are not married. I just really love him. He doesn't want to do anything as far as getting better. Funny he is not at all promiscuous, in 14 years, it has only been me and the ex wife. He thinks that once he gets over me, he can "move on" and he will be fine to be intimate with others, because they "don't KNOW". And of course I say, yes they don't but they also don't love you like I do. what more can be done? I FEAR nothing can be done.

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#454371 - 11/18/13 11:40 PM Re: I still dont see the answer I need. [Re: christie1013]
Esposa Offline
F&F Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 703
Loc: NJ
The suicide letter excerpts are really telling. So hard for us to understand.

I am always interested in the "fixer" nature of some of us women. It has to be how we are raised. Instead of seeing things for how they are, we see things for how the could or should be. It's like an intense incurable hopefulness. Going to Al-anon helped me see that instinct in myself. I think sometimes wanting to fix, kept me from really making good decisions for myself.

So Christie, have you asked yourself why you love someone who can't give you what you deserve? It is true what you say, you KNOW and you still love him. You KNOW and you are still in. He is losing a great opportunity to work on himself with the love and support of someone who is willing and able to stand by him. But what about you? Don't you deserve someone who is willing to do the hard stuff to keep you?

I am sorry you are hurting and I am sorry this is happening - but I encourage you to turn your love on yourself. You are worth it too.

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#454548 - 11/20/13 10:57 AM Re: I still dont see the answer I need. [Re: overwhelmed1975]
christie1013 Offline


Registered: 11/06/13
Posts: 31
Overwhelmed, I had to re-read your post again and it makes sense to me. I guess what is confusing when reading about this subject is that it seems many men have issues sexually even before disclosing. That was not the case here and actually i probably would have been able to make more sense of it if it were. But having a great sex life and then nothing because those words were said. I dont' know, he tells me all the time now, he wished he would have never told me so we could go back to where we were but it sure sounds like it would have blew up somewhere, sometime.

I'm still don't know about the Madonna/Whore complex. He values women i know that for a fact. I remember when he was waiting for his divorce to finalize, he still wouldn't even date. But i do think you are onto something and i am going to talk to him about it.

That suicide letter was terrifying.

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#454550 - 11/20/13 11:49 AM Re: I still dont see the answer I need. [Re: Esposa]
christie1013 Offline


Registered: 11/06/13
Posts: 31
Esposa,
Everything you said is all so true. I definetly can see that i have the intense incurable hopefulness trait.
And yes, he is missing on a good opportunity to work on himself with me by his side. And yes, i do deserve someone that can give me what i deserve. But i thought that was him. Now i know but its still hard to make that break. I miss him. I know he needs help. And from all of you, I know that I am not the answer. I keep telling myself that but for some reason, it just hasn't sunken in enough. I hold out hope that something clicks in his brain. I don't know if i have given it enough time or too much time. I fight with myself daily. Again, I want to put the tough love factor in it but I even have a hard time with that. Yesterday he went home sick. I wasn't going to call, I wasn't, I wasn't. I did. Not only that, but i stopped by and walked the dog for him. I am mad at myself for that. But then it felt good to hang out and chat. I miss that.

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#454554 - 11/20/13 12:48 PM Re: I still dont see the answer I need. [Re: christie1013]
Esposa Offline
F&F Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 703
Loc: NJ
Oh Christie - don't beat yourself up. Life is hard enough without turning on ourselves wink

This is a tough time for you I am sure. All you have to do is keep your finger of the pulse of equity. Are you getting what you need? Are you giving more than you are getting? Having boundaries and needs does not necessarily mean you withdraw completely, it just means that you are not walking the dog with an motive that is not expressed. wink

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