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#454278 - 11/18/13 01:10 PM hi
kevin308 Offline


Registered: 06/12/12
Posts: 8
Loc: columbus, ohio
My name is Kevin. I'm scared to death to be on here in the first place. I trust no one and have been betrayed so many times, that iv'e lost count. I don't know what to say, or what to do. I'm afraid iv'e already said too much. I am a survivor of childhood sexual abuse. I hope I can find some trustworthy people on here.

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#454281 - 11/18/13 02:00 PM Re: hi [Re: kevin308]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 2965
Loc: O Kanada
do not be afraid.
i was scared when i first signed on here ten years ago.

trust, is another topic altogether.

trust must be carefully invested,
and only after careful investigation.
like respect, trust must be incrementally earned, over time.

the people on this website are only people,
survivors like yourself.
mistakes will be made.
feelings will get hurt.
healing will happen.
progress will occur.
please try to be patient and gentle with others.
protect your inner child at all times.

meanwhile, learn to assert and express your opinion,
or take your time to study and absorb what has been already shared, as and when you feel it is necessary to do so.

when it gets too heavy, take a break, as long as you need.

this site will help, but there is no miracle cure.

if you are just starting out,
you need to take it slow,
pace yourself, be patient,
because you have a long way to go.

good news...
the road to recovery ahead may be rocky,
but the worst part is already behind you.
stay focused, get a good compass, and enjoy the journey of self discovery.
this may be foreign territory,
and as you draw your map,
you will find that you are quite a beautiful person.
_________________________
Victor|Victim

War
Love
Poetry

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#454289 - 11/18/13 02:32 PM Re: hi [Re: kevin308]
BuffaloCO Offline


Registered: 07/14/12
Posts: 411
Loc: USA
Hi Kevin, taking that first step is tough but you did it. You can find support and friends here. We all have different stories but we understand the hurts as those are shared and common. I totally get feeling betrayed and understand trust issues too. Some here were abused as kids, some as adults, but people here try to understand and support each other through this stuff. Since coming here just over a year ago, I got back into therapy or "T" and that's been huge. I can talk to some here that I've connected with, sort out all the issues with them and it helps me to keep moving forward. I am so much father along now then when I first came in, so progress definitely is possible. Welcome to the site Brother. You've found a good place.
_________________________
“We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark. The real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light.” - Plato

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#454303 - 11/18/13 03:08 PM Re: hi [Re: BuffaloCO]
kevin308 Offline


Registered: 06/12/12
Posts: 8
Loc: columbus, ohio
Thank you, I look forward to moving forward.

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#454307 - 11/18/13 03:20 PM Re: hi [Re: kevin308]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 2965
Loc: O Kanada
let the exploration and adventure begin.
YOU are the journey... and the destination.
_________________________
Victor|Victim

War
Love
Poetry

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#454308 - 11/18/13 03:22 PM Re: hi [Re: kevin308]
don64 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/13
Posts: 357
Loc: St. Croix, USVI
Hi Kevin,

Breaking the taboo of secrecy is a big deal. I have had my throat actually choke off physically when some of my stuff came up--my old inner programs trying to keep me from spilling the beans. But, I'm talking. So, I understand just how scary it can be to begin talking. Lots of folks here, so I'm sure you'll find good company to walk with you through this process. Just know that you are not alone.

Welcome,

Don

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#454316 - 11/18/13 04:21 PM Re: hi [Re: kevin308]
Cthulhu Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/13/13
Posts: 125
Loc: Cascadia
Hello Kevin,

It's okay that you're scared - normal actually. Let yourself slowly get used this space and slowly build relationships. But keep pushing yourself, like you did to post your welcome message. Good things will happen. This site is an amazing tool for you to use - please use it. Once you can get things out, once it is no longer a secret everything, your body and mind, can feel so much more free.

Healing hurts, it does, but it is worth it. I promise.

And like others have said, this is a big first step. Let yourself feel pride at making it! You are amazing just for that. I don't say that in some pedantic way. Way too many people are unable to make the step you just made.

So Kevin, I am sorry that you belong here, I really am. But congratulation on the step you just made, welcome to MS, and I wish you the best of luck in navigating the site and your life through the process of recovery.

Feel free to drop me a private message if you ever want.,


-Cthulhu


Edited by Cthulhu (01/03/14 08:45 PM)
_________________________
"Well, I'll be damned
A calf is easy to brand"
-Cass McCombs, Memory's Stain

my story context

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#454414 - 11/19/13 07:27 AM Re: hi [Re: kevin308]
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1369
Loc: New England
Welcome kevin,

Your fears of betrayal are natural. What else do we know from? But you can overcome distrust by being honest and vulnerable. Take a chance on us. We know where you're coming from.

Jude
_________________________
"When I was a child
I caught a fleeting glimpse
Out of the corner of my eye
I turned to look but it was gone
I cannot put my finger on it now
The child is grown, the dream is gone
And I have become comfortably numb."
Pink Floyd

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#454468 - 11/19/13 05:35 PM Re: hi [Re: kevin308]
George Offline
Member

Registered: 01/29/01
Posts: 107
Loc: NY metro
Welcome Kevin,

Safe place here. Feel free to jump in when ever you want or to just hang back...

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#454625 - 11/21/13 08:36 AM Re: hi [Re: don64]
kevin308 Offline


Registered: 06/12/12
Posts: 8
Loc: columbus, ohio
I agree, breaking the silence is key. I only made my feelings known about 5 years ago. No one wanted to hear it, though it's so obvious how inappropriate my brothers behavior is. I just wish that one person in my family would give me some credence instead of just ignoring everything.

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#454626 - 11/21/13 08:46 AM Re: hi [Re: BuffaloCO]
kevin308 Offline


Registered: 06/12/12
Posts: 8
Loc: columbus, ohio
First off, I like the Plato quote. I have been in counseling many times, and it has been awful. I've had counselors tell me their problems, tell me to get over it, revictimize me, and other things. I am a counselor by trade, so I know whats proper and what isn't. It's left me jaded and extremely angry towards counseling. Some of my most rageful outbursts have been when I have thought about my attempts to find help. It seems that the counselors are looking for quick fixes, or try to fit me into their particular treatment methodology, even if it's not the right treatment for me. This is also a large part of my mistrust. They are being paid and are supposed to take my side and still they hurt me. I have actually been insulted by one counselor, she called me a "mothers son" (I think we all know what this means). I don't know which way to turn anymore.

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#454627 - 11/21/13 08:54 AM Re: hi [Re: George]
kevin308 Offline


Registered: 06/12/12
Posts: 8
Loc: columbus, ohio
Thanks for the reply. I've started opening up, as scary as it's been. Even replying to people, feel the emotion start coming out of me. I have so much inside me and it scares me. It's been a hell of a five years since i made my thoughts known to my family about my brothers behavior. On top of that, I have been dealing with a very painful divorce. Some days I feel like I could just curl up in a corner and never stop crying. It takes all my strength to keep going and to be their for my ten year old son (Joshua). I'm glad I have him, he keeps me going and when he laughs, at least for a moment, things don't seem so bad. I'm so tired frown. I just keep looking for an answer and there never seems to be one.

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#454628 - 11/21/13 09:12 AM Re: hi [Re: kevin308]
KMCINVA Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 1427
Kevin

Welcome and sorry you have to be here--but it is great place to help you heal. Sharing and letting it out is an important step in healing. You have taken a brave step in telling your story to your family and I am sorry there reactions were not more understanding. It is a topic many run from and are in denial about. A family member probably further complicates the family emotions. But you are doing the right thing--it is about you and healing the wounds that the abuser left.

People here are understanding and do not pass judgment. Share at your own pace because we all heal differently.

Kevin

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