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#454202 - 11/18/13 02:01 AM There must be a reason, a purpose -TRIGGER WARNING
Survivinguy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/22/09
Posts: 310
Loc: Colorado
Some of the memories are so painful and pervasive that I think the only reason I survived this, the only reason this happened to me is because there is some greater good to be accomplished.

One of the more powerful memories that has been tormenting my mind in the last couple days is a source for my belief that there must be some reason I am still alive.

I'm about 10 or 11 and I've just had a bowel movement in my parents' bathroom. I look down in the toilet as I wipe myself and in the toilet is more blood than I've ever seen in one place. I am terrified. It's the deep crimson red and there is so much I start wiping myself more and more thinking I have to stop the bleeding or I'm going to die. I keep dabbing at myself until no more blood is on the toilet paper. I stare in the bowl. It's a lot of blood. It's so much blood I start to feel like I might pass out. All I can see is blood. It's like I pooped blood. I feel feint and think to myself - I can't pass out here, I can't leave this behind, I can't be found like this or he will kill me. However, an equally strong thought urges me to tell my mom, a nurse, about the blood, to show her the blood because it's so much and she will know what to do. I summon the insane courage to tell her. I know telling her risks my own life because he told me to never tell anyone or he will kill me. I dress myself and fearfully peek out of the bathroom, I find her. I tell her there's blood in the toilet. I am terrified. She comes in, "comforts" me and tells me I probably just strained to hard to poo. I am stunned. I don't know what to do - it's like she doesn't even see the blood. She flushes the toilet and a nearly clean bowl of water replaces my dark red pool of terror. Then, I realize, she doesn't think anything of it at all. I've just taken such a huge risk for nothing. I've told her something powerful and evil and she doesn't even know it. If she tells him, he will kill me. He always promises me afterwards that if I ever tell anyone, he will kill me. I know he will kill me. I start begging her not to tell him. "Okay Mom, I'm sorry, it's no big deal, I don't know what I was thinking, just please don't tell Dad, okay? Please okay? Please???" And who walks in the bathroom next? Dad. And what does she do? She tells him exactly what happened and laughs when she tells him the part about me begging her not to tell him. He chuckles and when she turns her attention back to me, his eyes flare and he gives me that look. I know that look. He is going to kill me or make me wish I was dead. I had been wishing and praying I would die since I was about six years old. Trapped, like a hostage, at home.

The urge to do self harm right this minute as I'm typing this out is at a 9 on a scale to 10. I will not cut tonight. I will not cut tonight. He would want me to cut. He would want to cut me. He burned me. He stuck needles in me. He stuck needles in my feet, under my toenails and under my fingernails. He stuck needles in my chest. He stuck needles in my scrotum. He pinched my balls so hard I thought I would die or pass out from the pain. He tied a bag over my head and my hands behind my back so he could fuck me while I was dying only to resuscitate me after he was done. Doctors know how to resuscitate their sons.

I feel so abandoned and betrayed that it pains me to even look at this screen as I type. It feels like these words on here are pointless. I close my eyes now and imagine picking up this computer screen and throwing it through the doors to the study.

All the while of typing this tormenting memory out, one of my closest friends has been texting me about the Broncos game. Do I share with him what I'm really struggling with? Do I tell him of these fucking memories? Do I tell him how weak and pathetic I feel? Do I tell him the one place I should have developed a sense of self-worth was hell on earth? Do I tell him how I was molested and raped and sold and tortured by my own dad and that no one ever saved me? Do I tell him how much I want to cut my arm and feel that pain and watch that blood drip? I want to scream. I want to scream till my throat bleeds. I can't. My wife and kids are sleeping.

There must be a reason. There must be a purpose. There must be something that makes it all.....what? worthwhile? Fuck.

This is Malesurvivor.org not malevictim.org. I have to find some reason, some cause, some direction. I didn't survive to make the pain last. I survived to stop the pain.

I feel sad. I feel angry. I don't know what I feel. I wish I was crying.

God I have no idea what I'm even typing here anymore.

There must be a reason. There must be a purpose. I didn't survive the un-survivable for no reason. This is malesurvivor. I am a survivor.
_________________________
Survivinguy

============================================
I have to survive and I hope to thrive.

Alumni Dahlonega WoR May 2010
Alumni Sequoia WoR March 2012

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#454352 - 11/18/13 09:31 PM Re: There must be a reason, a purpose -TRIGGER WARNING [Re: Survivinguy]
toddop Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/14/11
Posts: 214
Loc: California
Hey Survivinguy,

I was really blown away by your post today. I applaud you for being able to speak such difficult and terrifying truths here.

***Triggers Below***

I can so identify with your toilet bowl issues. I was just commenting to someone yesterday in a PM about blood in the bowl and having to do things to keep blood from showing on my clothes. I also took those extreme measures to hide any evidence of blood, sometimes having elaborate routines to hide it.

I also had a lot of torture stuff involved in my CSA with my gymnastics coach. He filmed and photographed me a lot in pornography, some of which involved being tied up, bondage stuff, pins and clothespins all over my body, and other things I have not been able to give voice to yet.

***End Triggers***

I am glad that you gave voice to your terrible truths here on MS. There is often an enormous weight inside myself as I weigh how much I should tell about such awful things and how badly I just need to get it out and not keep it locked up inside anymore. I think anytime I go with writing or speaking the absolute truth, the better it is for me in the long run. That is a major part of the work as I see it. And such a difficult part.

I have asked myself about purpose and a reason. I don’t think that there is one. If you look at the human race, odds are just pretty high that something awful is going to happen to you. You may be abused, you may lose part of your family, you may get washed away in a flood, tornado, etc. I am not trying to negate any religious beliefs here. I have my own in accordance my experiences. I just think that we as humans are not in control in that sense and that there may not be a reason that you and I were abused and our next door neighbor wasn’t.

But, I do think that we as survivors can FIND a purpose. Our primary purpose was to survive the immediate danger and get to this place of healing and connect with other men. But, we can also shape our lives from this point forward. We do the hard work, we move forward, even if sometimes only by millimeters and inches. But we can build something of ourselves.

Something that helps me in this area is to think back what I learned in a Geography class once. If you look at the Earth, you see a complex, beautiful place full of water and land, so many natural wonders. It is capable of sustaining life, which is why we are even here at all as people. But, this earth as we know it only exists as it is because of extreme cataclysmic and catastrophic events. The earth has been pummeled by asteroids, ripped asunder from inside, torn apart by earthquakes. It has a wild and violent history. But, today it is the earth that we know and love.

I think that we as survivors are capable of such transformation, too. I think that despite the horrors of our pasts, that ultimately our work to recover and build new foundations in our lives can be equally as transformative. I have seen it happen with guys on this site. Guys who were new and unsure and felt they had no future, but who have become strong and vibrant men who change their lives and help the men following in their footsteps. I don’t feel near enough to that place yet, but it is my goal. I guess you could call it my purpose.

The bottom line is we can all decide what happens from this point forward. It may be fraught with nightmares, flashbacks, horrible images and experiences. But, surviving that kind of background and becoming stronger men who have a solid grasp of who they are, with a rich and complex understanding of human potential, is something worth working for in my opinion. That way I can keep the bastards that did this to me from winning. I can make a good and decent man from the kid they used and cast aside as if it was nothing but a pebble. I get to decide how the story ends.

Sorry if I ran wild with my response to your post. I hope that you find your purpose and your reason for surviving. I think you will if you are asking the questions. They beg for an answer. Your answer.
_________________________
Todd

"Great spirits have often encountered violent opposition from weak minds."
-Albert Einstein

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#454389 - 11/19/13 01:26 AM Re: There must be a reason, a purpose -TRIGGER WARNING [Re: toddop]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6852
Loc: USA
Survivinguy and toddop

I'm so sorry for your suffering.

Yes, I also experienced that as a boy.

I understand.

Puffer


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#454403 - 11/19/13 03:35 AM Re: There must be a reason, a purpose -TRIGGER WARNING [Re: Survivinguy]
1lifenow Offline


Registered: 03/07/11
Posts: 398
Loc: west coast
The gift is you are here, we all are

The purpose is what you want it to be, its yours

have it , be it, live it, love it

all yours

You are so brave
_________________________
The need for love lies at the very foundation of human existence. Dalai Lama

WoR Barrie 2011

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#454405 - 11/19/13 03:43 AM Re: There must be a reason, a purpose -TRIGGER WARNING [Re: Survivinguy]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 3327
Loc: O Kanada
dear survivingguy,

i am so glad you found the strength within yourself to share those terrible memories.
it was intense.
i know how difficult it must have been to share that story.

i sincerely hope that you feel better now that you have purged so much poison and pain in your post.
all i can do is feel it with you.

as ugly as what happened,
you are still beautiful.

you are not what happened to you.

please believe me, when i tell you,
i am deeply convinced
there IS a reason.
there IS a purpose.

i wish i knew what it was.
_________________________
Victor|Victim

War
Love
Poetry

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#454432 - 11/19/13 10:20 AM Re: There must be a reason, a purpose -TRIGGER WARNING [Re: Survivinguy]
thepatient Offline


Registered: 09/29/13
Posts: 29
Loc: USA
I try to convince myself of this daily. It must have happened to either teach my soul something, or to prepare me to face other obstacles. Honestly, this rationalization doesn't always help especially when I get stuck thinking about what I lost. If anything we need to keep on keeping-on for ourselves alone.
_________________________
"Shine on forever
Shine on benevolent sun
Shine down upon the broken
Shine until the two become one
Shine on upon the severed
Divided, I'm withering away
Shine on upon the many, light our way
Benevolent sun"

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#454477 - 11/19/13 06:47 PM Re: There must be a reason, a purpose -TRIGGER WARNING [Re: Survivinguy]
Onesimus75 Offline


Registered: 08/22/13
Posts: 158
Loc: Minnesota
I don't like the idea of our abuse happening with a purpose, because that makes me feel slimy, like God/Providence/TheCosmicSpaceMonkey was a participant on even a tacit level with my abuse.
I don't believe that. I think G/P/TCSM was weeping instead.

But I think that instead of our abuse having a purpose, our abuse has a potential.

We have the potential to see abusers that others might miss, catch them, stop them, warn other people.

We have the potential, as we gain victory over our wounds, to be a resource to others.

Many of the things that abusers looked for in me (looks, kindness, gentleness, emotional intimacy) are strong things about me, good things that I have to offer that I guess others don't have as much, or some others don't.

People who have never been wounded, can't understand as well what really reaches out to those who have felt helpless.

The phrase I remember is "we can comfort others with the comfort we ourselves received."
_________________________
We are not defined by our faults, or our wounds, but by the truth within us, which nothing can take away.

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#454529 - 11/20/13 02:02 AM Re: There must be a reason, a purpose -TRIGGER WARNING [Re: Onesimus75]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 3327
Loc: O Kanada
Originally Posted By: Onesimus75
instead of our abuse having a purpose, our abuse has a potential.


this is why i come here to ms.org!

that was my purpose today.
to learn.
i love those "aha!" moments.
when one experiences a shift in definition.
to find such pearls of wisdom.
pearls that have been polished by years of pain.
rest assured, that pearl was not wasted on me.

thank you.
_________________________
Victor|Victim

War
Love
Poetry

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#454535 - 11/20/13 08:08 AM Re: There must be a reason, a purpose -TRIGGER WARNING [Re: Survivinguy]
ThisMan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/22/13
Posts: 767
Loc: upper south
Surviving, your story is painful to hear. Rest assured you have a purpose. A new phrase I picked up from my reading lately is from Ruiz's "The Fifth Agreement" and I love it. I actually used it yesterday in my therapy session and found that it set me free on a particular major issue.

"I am not my story." We are not. You are not. You are not that little boy who was so abused, so hurt. We had our experiences, as horrific as they were. They happened. We can't change any of it. And the pain is ugly and so real. But you are so very correct when you say you survived for a higher purpose. You survived for a reason that stretches far, far into the future, as well as for today. We don't know what that is yet, but for every interaction to come, we can change something or someone.

Even though yesterday was a final day with my T, when I told him I wasn't my story of sexuality and abuse, that I was so much more, when I told him he had made erroneous assumptions based upon the stories I had shared…. I have no doubt that I have changed his interaction with countless men to come after me. I had a PURPOSE for returning! This is just a random example, but it is a truth. A truth that perhaps my purpose for the past six months was being with this young therapist and letting him see that grown men can and do have enormous pain caused by sexual assaults. And by being in a position were he can have influence to better another's life, my purpose was met.

I know you have purpose as well. Sometimes it won't be so apparent, sometimes it will give you such a sense of being that it will be obvious. We don't have to write a three volume set based upon our abuse experiences, sometimes the purpose is as subtle as the fact that we post and someone is helped by being able to connect with what our words say. Just remember you are indeed a beautiful creature, altering and changing with each day and the simple fact that you did survive gives evidence to the fact that you have a greater purpose.
_________________________
For now we see through a glass, darkly.



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#454536 - 11/20/13 08:15 AM Re: There must be a reason, a purpose -TRIGGER WARNING [Re: Onesimus75]
SoccerStar Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/15/12
Posts: 915
Loc: New York
Survivinguy:
I am so sorry your parents failed you, each in their own horrible way. In a way I am proud of your younger self for at least trying to reach out and get help. You did the only thing you could possibly have done; faced by the completion of their failure, all that was left to you was to survive. And you did that right too. Living and rebuilding is its own purpose, its own good, and you seem to be on the right path.

Originally Posted By: Onesimus75

Many of the things that abusers looked for in me (looks, kindness, gentleness, emotional intimacy) are strong things about me, good things that I have to offer that I guess others don't have as much, or some others don't.

People who have never been wounded, can't understand as well what really reaches out to those who have felt helpless.


That's beautiful.... I have really been challenged to properly label and arrange my responses to the desire and lust that caused my assault. Often in adulthood I've felt alone, and even when everything else in my marriage (or a prior relationship) is/was fine I still crave(d) being wanted, being pursued and lusted-after. I sort of got a worm in my head last spring over how, technically, no one had ever made it so clear just how much they HAD TO HAVE ME as the perp did.... it was (and is) a horrid, inverting way to feel. And it's very good to see a more healthy refocusing of that put to words. Thanks again for sharing that.

And yes... I too definitely don't believe in some purpose to this. If anything I think I could only possibly make sense of it as a non-driven event in a non-driven universe, where human action is the only cause of human events and there is no higher intelligence that knowingly allows and watches some victimizing others, a third party who by inaction and allowance said "okay" in a situation where neutrality most definitely meant picking a side. It's a thousand times more unfair to have been chosen as the recipient of some cosmic moral via sexual abuse and torture than it is to think that we all roll the dice for nine months, make our toss and then whatever happens happens. This is only MY philosophy and it should not be read as a challenge to anyone else's.

Originally Posted By: toddop
Something that helps me in this area is to think back what I learned in a Geography class once. If you look at the Earth, you see a complex, beautiful place full of water and land, so many natural wonders. It is capable of sustaining life, which is why we are even here at all as people. But, this earth as we know it only exists as it is because of extreme cataclysmic and catastrophic events. The earth has been pummeled by asteroids, ripped asunder from inside, torn apart by earthquakes. It has a wild and violent history. But, today it is the earth that we know and love.

I can make good from the kid they used and tossed aside like a pebble.... I get to decide how the story ends.


That was amazing Todd. A very inspiring way to reframe even the most extreme of abuses. I think I'll be referring people back to that in future discussions.


Matt
_________________________
My story

"Don't think it hasn't been a little slice of heaven just because it hasn't!" --Bugs Bunny

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#454546 - 11/20/13 10:20 AM Re: There must be a reason, a purpose -TRIGGER WARNING [Re: Survivinguy]
risingagain Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/09/10
Posts: 595
Loc: Vancouver, BC, Canada
The journey to transform our pain into purpose is lifelong.... it's full of ups and downs, it is a warrior's journey of the heart... I love your passionate questioning. I love whatever it is that made the little boy you were carry on. I love whatever it is that makes the man you are write stuff like this. Rise & Shine!

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#455000 - 11/25/13 08:56 AM Re: There must be a reason, a purpose -TRIGGER WARNING [Re: Survivinguy]
SamV Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5942
Loc: Talladega, Alabama, USA
(((((Survivinguy))))) Good for you, get it out, even if you need to get a new computer monitor, thank you very much for sharing.

Sam
_________________________
MaleSurvivor Moderator Emeritus 2012 - 2014

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#455088 - 11/26/13 03:53 AM Re: There must be a reason, a purpose -TRIGGER WARNING [Re: Survivinguy]
Survivinguy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/22/09
Posts: 310
Loc: Colorado
First my apologies in taking so long to reply to all of the kind, thoughtful and humbling responses to my original post. At first I was just ashamed for having posted in the first place and then I was overwhelmed by the responses so much so that I decided I couldn't reply with a simple "thanks". I've waited some time to make sure I allowed myself time to process the responses and time to fully reply.

Toddop - you were the first to respond and no you did not "run wild with your response". It was thoughtful and compassionate. I simultaneously appreciated and regretted that you could relate to my post. I appreciate the beauty of your earth analogy and your encouragement to find my answer.

Puffer - I know you and I have spoken on how similar our experiences were and I appreciate your re-acknowledging I am not alone.

1lifenow - I love your forthright response and your encouragement to be brave. I struggle to recognize bravery in myself after all these years - I know it has taken a monumental amount of strength to survive, I just fail to credit myself with much of anything. Thank you.

Victor-victim - you nailed exactly my experience with the post. It was as if I was performing an exorcism on myself by publically purging the memories. I felt better after posting though it seemed the most contrary thing to do to share the awful experiences. "You are not what happened to you." I want to embody that expression. Thank you.

thepatient - "keep on keeping on". You might be psychic. This is something I almost only ever tell myself in my inner voice, though I say it to myself very, very often. I almost never say it out loud for fear it might reveal something too honest about how I'm feeling. Thank you for sharing this with me and in so doing making me recognize I am not alone in this struggle or in the difficulty of determining to keep on keeping on.

Onesimus75 - I love "TheCosmicSpaceMonkey" smile I am, by my own choice (no longer in the faith by which I was raised) a Christian but your point is well made and accepted of rejecting the notion some higher power was tacit in any way. And I very much appreciate your point about our abuse having potential. This notion strikes at the very heart of a project I've been considering/researching/preparing for over two years but have yet to present. If I do the presentation I will think of the Cosmic Space Monkey smiling down on me as a I realize the potential of my surviving.

Thisman - I very much appreciate you sharing your understanding of the idea "I am not my story" and giving a personal example from your own life. This concept is as hard for me to internalize as the concept that I was/am brave. There are times I feel so deeply scarred by the abuse that I feel it defines and limits me. I want that freedom, if only fleeting, of knowing it does not define me and, yes, that there is some form of fulfilling some other need or purpose by surviving it all. Thank you.

Soccerstar - first thank you for your encouragement, it is very kind. Second and more importantly thank you for recognizing the value of the prior responses. I appreciate how well you rephrased the other posts regarding some "some cosmic moral" and that you regarded the same as not intended to challenge others' beliefs. I too appreciate the re-phrase of potential versus purpose.

Risingagain - I hope my response to your reply is taken as a genuine expression of thanks. My experience in reading your reply was as if your inner child was talking to my inner child in the honest language only children can speak. My heart was warmed by your response. Thank you very much.

Sam - my fellow WoR brother. Thank you for the virtual (((hug))). I managed to save the computer screen and yes the public purging was a good thing.

I remain in weekly therapy. I often share with my newest T how overwhelming it is to consider the abuse of over ten years in my childhood in the "big picture". I kid with my T that sometimes I wish there was some kind of limited lobotomy that could erase all those memories. I went from no memories to one recovered memory to dozens upon dozens of memories with no limit in sight though I can't really imagine anything worse than what I already remember at this point.

I have much to be thankful for as Thanksgiving quickly approaches - a wife, two sons who will never know that cycle and thankfully were born after my dad died, a good job and a nice home. I wish it were as simple as deciding to "be present" and "let go of the past" but the memories, body memories and flashbacks will likely never end.

As I mentioned above, I've been working on a project - a presentation to give regarding the effect of childhood abuse - I've been researching it for over two years. It has transitioned from an idea to thorough multi-disciplinary research to outline to handout with citations and to Powerpoint. If I give the presentation, the news of my disclosure as a survivor, given my position of authority in my profession, will likely spread state-wide quickly. And I think maybe that's what I need to do now - if I can help others be the difference in the lives of children - I can feel like there was a greater purpose or that I reached an ultimate potential in surviving the abuse. It's terrifying and feels right. It's funny because when I went to my first WoR - I told myself any time I feel uncomfortable, any time I feel like hiding and avoiding to answer or to participate in a group exercise or to volunteer for an activity - I decided I would do the opposite of what my fearful mind warned against - and it made for a very rewarding WoR experience. Maybe it is time to press forward to the next challenge.

My most sincere thanks to all of you for your responses. I will keep on keeping on to find and fulfill my greatest potential for my sake, to make the Cosmic Space Monkey proud and to be a survivor like all of you.
_________________________
Survivinguy

============================================
I have to survive and I hope to thrive.

Alumni Dahlonega WoR May 2010
Alumni Sequoia WoR March 2012

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