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#454135 - 11/17/13 02:15 PM 3rd time attempting to post: advice?
Harvey Dent Offline


Registered: 11/02/13
Posts: 28
I can't find the words to say what I need to. So I am gonna ask this simply, and provide details as necessary as part of the discussion.

I need sex more than my wife wants sex. This is causing some serious issues in our relationship, as the lack of sex makes me feel unwanted and unloved. And my need makes her feel like she isn't good enough (which makes no sense to me), and sex is just a chore that she has to do.


How the hell do I escape this nonsense?
_________________________
I am not defined by what is done to me. I am defined by the choices I make.

My story: http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=452346#Post452346

Odds are that I am typing on my phone. Please excuse punctuation and spelling. Editing is a serious pain in the neck.

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#454138 - 11/17/13 02:57 PM Re: 3rd time attempting to post: advice? [Re: Harvey Dent]
Frustrated Offline


Registered: 10/28/13
Posts: 192
I use porn on computer to help with the hyper sexual state I am in most of the time. PM me and I can tell you things that I did but I regret may help you

James

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#454139 - 11/17/13 03:00 PM Re: 3rd time attempting to post: advice? [Re: Harvey Dent]
Ever-fixed Mark Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/02/10
Posts: 725
Loc: United States
Differing libidos are a challenge. It sounds like what's needed here is some communication. Perhaps a conversation where you ask to understand how your desire for her makes her feel.

-efm
_________________________

Everybody here's got a story to tell
Everybody's been through their own hell
There's nothing too special about getting hurt
Getting over it, that takes the work

- "Duck and Cover" by Glen Phillips

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#454140 - 11/17/13 03:15 PM Re: 3rd time attempting to post: advice? [Re: Harvey Dent]
Harvey Dent Offline


Registered: 11/02/13
Posts: 28
EFM: We have talked about this multiple times. Part of what got deleted on my first two attempts at posting my question was a detailed account of our conversations. Essentially, she likes sex, but doesn't need it. She wants me to be happy and have what I want, so she tries to be more sexual for me. However, it never lasts more than a day or two, and then I am stuck waiting 11or more days for us to be intimate again.

So, I become frustrated. At which point, my frustration makes sex a chore to her, leading to resentment. In turn, I resent her because I am not getting my needs met.

I work away from home, 7 days at a time. I then go home for a week. We will usually have sex once when I come home, and then she will ALWAYS be sick, or have a headache, or a backache, or she is in a bad mood...all of which leave me sexually frustrated.


I was abused by women. Because of that, I cannot enagage women without it being sexual. So, if I want to be "present" with my wife, it simply has to have a sexual element to it. If it doesn't, I am just playacting to keep her happy.

Most of the time I stay emotionally engaged and present in the moment. But sometimes it builds up, where I am literally aroused for days on end with no release. Eventually, we fight. I go jack off and become disengaged. And then go back to work, promising myself that next week will be better.
_________________________
I am not defined by what is done to me. I am defined by the choices I make.

My story: http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=452346#Post452346

Odds are that I am typing on my phone. Please excuse punctuation and spelling. Editing is a serious pain in the neck.

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#454141 - 11/17/13 03:18 PM Re: 3rd time attempting to post: advice? [Re: Harvey Dent]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 3088
Loc: O Kanada
i can't offer advice, as i do not have enough details about your situation. besides, i am not professional.

what i can tell you is this...

i did not grow up on internet porn,
but we had girly magazines.
hardcore was hard to get.
did not have easy access to hardcore porn until my mid twenties.
i had already indulged every desire prior to meeting and marrying my wife, and was tired of strange sex.
i made a conscious commitment, and chose the ultimate challenge of monogamy as a way out of the risky promiscuous lifestyle of pre-aids hedonism.

many of my associates were dying.

i used to say that porn saved my marriage because i thought it kept my from cheating.
now i believe that porn is wrecking my relationship, because it is interfering with our intimacy.

but ultimately it has nothing to to with the porn,
and everything to do with me and my sexual history.

i struggle daily with confusion between love, sex, power, and intimacy.

that is common to many CSA survivors,
but it is something we share with most of the mainstream community as well.
these are human conditions.
we all experience them unique to our own sexuality.

these days, i am trying to avoid porn but is addictive.
_________________________
Victor|Victim

War
Love
Poetry

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#454142 - 11/17/13 03:19 PM Re: 3rd time attempting to post: advice? [Re: Harvey Dent]
Harvey Dent Offline


Registered: 11/02/13
Posts: 28
When I am at work, I masturbate with porn at least twice a day, sometimes four. But this cannot work at home because of the disengagement that occurs after I masturbate.


Additionally, my wife knows all of my secrets. She even has an account here at MS.org so she can stay informed. So she knows what's going on with me. But she can't help but feel used by her own husband.


And it makes me so angry that I want to lose my mind to just stop the thinking.


She desrves better than what I am giving her, and its killing me.
_________________________
I am not defined by what is done to me. I am defined by the choices I make.

My story: http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=452346#Post452346

Odds are that I am typing on my phone. Please excuse punctuation and spelling. Editing is a serious pain in the neck.

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#454144 - 11/17/13 03:30 PM Re: 3rd time attempting to post: advice? [Re: Harvey Dent]
Harvey Dent Offline


Registered: 11/02/13
Posts: 28
VV: I appreciate the response. I knew that I wasn't alone in this, but commiseration is always appreciated.

I have read four different books on this particular topic, but none of them address it from the perspective of a CSA victim.

We used to have sex four times a week. And then after a miscarriage, it dropped to once or twice.


I just feel so angry at myself, that I am hurting her. But I also feel angry with her for hurting me.

And I am stuck at work and can do nothing about any of this.
_________________________
I am not defined by what is done to me. I am defined by the choices I make.

My story: http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=452346#Post452346

Odds are that I am typing on my phone. Please excuse punctuation and spelling. Editing is a serious pain in the neck.

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#454146 - 11/17/13 03:43 PM ! [Re: Harvey Dent]
Smalltown80sBoy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/25/12
Posts: 2217
!


Edited by Smalltown80sBoy (02/28/14 10:33 PM)

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#454149 - 11/17/13 03:50 PM Re: 3rd time attempting to post: advice? [Re: Harvey Dent]
Harvey Dent Offline


Registered: 11/02/13
Posts: 28
It may be something we must look into, even if I would rather not. Therapy has always been problematic for me, and I am reluctant to re-attempt it. But I may, if that's what it takes.

On the other hand, we got married less than 5 months ago. I have been home less than 8 weeks since then. It seems an awful portent to need therapy this soon.
_________________________
I am not defined by what is done to me. I am defined by the choices I make.

My story: http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=452346#Post452346

Odds are that I am typing on my phone. Please excuse punctuation and spelling. Editing is a serious pain in the neck.

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#454152 - 11/17/13 03:55 PM Re: 3rd time attempting to post: advice? [Re: Harvey Dent]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3321
Loc: somewhere in Africa
HD - sounds so familiar - in some ways, different in others.

we could not find the answer on our own. we needed professional expert help. We saw a T together and it helped immensely. would that be an option that the two of you could try?

LEE
_________________________
We are often troubled, but not crushed;
sometimes in doubt, but never in despair;
there are many enemies, but we are never without a friend;
and though badly hurt at times, we are not destroyed.
- Paul, II Cor 4:8-9

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