Newest Members
dspwilson, Won'tGiveUp, sillyputty, Pytbull, manipulated
12384 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
4gettingthepast4 (32), DougL (53), Jeff38 (48), lfp (27), pats121 (75), Texan (57), zer0sleep (35)
Who's Online
3 registered (help4aCSAspouse, 2 invisible), 23 Guests and 7 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
12384 Members
74 Forums
63654 Topics
444544 Posts

Max Online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Page 1 of 2 1 2 >
Topic Options
#453987 - 11/16/13 12:47 PM Tired of All the Killing - Poss Triggers
SayItRight Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/06/13
Posts: 64
I caught myself
Once
This week,
Poised,
Daggers at the ready.

"What had happened, was..."

My head had cleared up
For a minute and
"Good guy" me,
The honest one,
The kid,
Said:

"We have to get
Some help.
Talk to someone."

How many times
Has he
Said that
Before?

"Sure," I said,
"Who should we find?
I know, let's
Talk to the priest again,
That worked out so well
Last time,
Or one of the other
So many..."

See,
A lot of us in here,
We hate that guy,
That me.
He's always getting us
Into trouble
With his fucking
Earnestness,
His belief.
Things are just
So goddam
Simple for him:
Yeah, let's
Talk to
Someone,
Got it.

He doesn't know,
Doesn't understand,
He forgets, maybe

(And this is just
The beginning
Of what he needs
To know
So don't get
All excited
That I'm telling it
To you
)

At very least:

Talking leads to
Connection.

Connection leads to....

See, he's a danger.

Stupid
Fucking
Kid.

Why not take matters
Into my own hands?

If I'm going down
Anyway, might
As well be the one
Who calls the shots
On how it goes down
This time, even just
This one time.

The one way, the
Only way, I've ever
Known
How to be
In control.

If you can't see it,
Can't agree,
Then you really don't see anything,
Can't, wouldn't, don't
Understand.

"I'm just telling you how it usually goes."

Usually, at this point,
We call him in, that other me,
The Assassin.
Less regrets that the
Rest of us.
He's taken care of
This kind of thing
Before: He always kills
The kid, he never even
Leaves any blood.

Used to be:
Suicidal ideation,
Big messes, sirens
Wailing, hospitals.

Even he was
Stupid, turns out.
No one here's a hero.


He wised up though;
It's done more quietly now:
In fact,
It's done by quieting.
It's sad, I know,
But the rest of us
Are usually
Fine with it:

You have no idea
The trouble
That fucking
Kid
Has caused, so
Don't give me
Any shit
About it
At all.

He's good, too, the killer,
Even you'd like him.
He does his thing, then
Shows up the next day at our job
White shirt pressed, brain
Like a wing-tipped shoe,
Polished, shined, ready
To go. Even a smile
Waxed on for good effect.
His performance is stunning.

"But what was I saying though?
Oh yeah..."

This time
Something was different.
I caught myself.

A different me was there too
Showed up out of nowhere:
He's the one who did the catching.
No rescuer, he, quite the opposite:
Just someone who's tired
Of all the killing.

"Wait" he said,
"Let's at least
Hear what the kid
Has to say."
Like a line out of
A movie, or, worse,
Some stupid tv show.

"You and me will
Watch him." he says,
"We'll make damn sure he
Doesn't do anything
Too stupid this time."

"Stupid" and "making
Damn sure" were just
Words he used,
Blending in.

I don't even know why
He cared that much,
To tell you the truth,
Blending in?
Dissuading?
He must be really
Fucking tired.

He disarmed the killer, though,
At least momentarily.
The killer, ironically,
Thought he had "finally"
Found someone who understood.

Looks like all of us
Are looking for the same thing.

"So, in any case,"

I don't know how,
But it must have worked,
Because there we all were
Sitting, or standing,
At think we were all standing
At that point, what with all the
Almost killing and everything.

All of us in
The same goddam place
(Head body soul)
Staring at each other.
No one making a move and
No one saying a goddam thing.
But no one was killing each other
Either. An uneasy truce.

"It's been that way since then."

But here's the real killer:
I'm liking it that way.

I guess even I am
Really fucking tired
Of all that killing.


[Didn't really know how to say all this, but wanted to say it.]


Edited by SayItRight (11/16/13 02:07 PM)
_________________________
"Born Under Punches"

Top
#454026 - 11/16/13 03:11 PM Re: Tired of All the Killing - Poss Triggers [Re: SayItRight]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3420
Loc: somewhere in Africa
i don't know the words to say how powerfully this is communicated and how well it is written.

LEE
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


Top
#456275 - 12/07/13 01:14 AM Re: Tired of All the Killing - Poss Triggers [Re: SayItRight]
kasper Offline


Registered: 09/08/13
Posts: 15
a hard look at your internal struggles... btwn the innocence, the fierce survival instinct, and the weary soul who just wants some sort of peace. wanted to let you know that this is masterfully written and i appreciate you sharing. go easy on yourself and stay strong.

-e

Top
#456277 - 12/07/13 02:12 AM Re: Tired of All the Killing - Poss Triggers [Re: SayItRight]
Shyshark Offline


Registered: 10/30/12
Posts: 413
Loc: Canada
I am going to read this again ...
and again ...
and again ...
and yes ...
again.

... but before I do ...
I'll venture a guess at what I think you're saying.

It sounds to me like maybe you've stopped ganging up on yourself ...
I certainly hope so.
Lord knows I was bullied by the best ...
and the worst of them was myself.

Very powerful my friend.
_________________________
Experience is a brutal teacher.

Top
#456282 - 12/07/13 03:02 AM Re: Tired of All the Killing - Poss Triggers [Re: SayItRight]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 3351
Loc: O Kanada
this is an odyssey of the mind.

you said it right.
_________________________
Victor|Victim

War
Love
Poetry

Top
#456306 - 12/07/13 12:41 PM Re: Tired of All the Killing - Poss Triggers [Re: SayItRight]
SayItRight Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/06/13
Posts: 64
Guys,

Your kind words here really mean a lot. When I realized this morning that you had all posted here, it had a huge effect on me (not to mention what you said, which I hope to address later).

I'm running around all day today but I hope to get back to you all later tonight. In the meantime, please know that your words here as well as your simply posting really, really moved me, and still do.
_________________________
"Born Under Punches"

Top
#456320 - 12/07/13 07:24 PM Re: Tired of All the Killing - Poss Triggers [Re: SayItRight]
concerned_husky Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/29/12
Posts: 587
Wow.

What an incredible poem...
_________________________
Husky

Top
#456501 - 12/09/13 11:55 PM Re: Tired of All the Killing - Poss Triggers [Re: kasper]
SayItRight Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/06/13
Posts: 64
Lee, -e, Shy, Victor, and Husky:

If I could do any of this right, or better, I would: I was very glad to see your responses on Saturday morning. Then I proceeded to have two of the toughest days in recent times (unreleated to what you wrote here), so I never really got back to anyone.

This poem didn't really work for me as a poem but I really wanted to write what I wrote anyway: I appreciate that so many of you "heard" what it was I was trying to say.

Originally Posted By: traveler
i don't know the words to say how powerfully this is communicated and how well it is written.

LEE
Originally Posted By: kasper
wanted to let you know that this is masterfully written...

-e
Originally Posted By: Shyshark

Very powerful my friend.

Originally Posted By: victor-victim

you said it right.


And...

Originally Posted By: concerned_husky
Wow.

What an incredible poem...



Thanks. If you could know how last week got tougher and tougher and how I felt when I checked in Saturday morning, then you would appreciate even more how much your encouragement meant to me right there and then. It was as though you each knew things had been tough and decided just to cheer me up.

What really got me, as well, were the ways in which each of you definitely did understand - from your own lives - what was going on for me last week:

Originally Posted By: kasper
a hard look at your internal struggles... btwn the innocence, the fierce survival instinct, and the weary soul who just wants some sort of peace.
-e

Originally Posted By: victor-victim
this is an odyssey of the mind.


Yes and yes. And I felt pretty alone in it all last week. Well, really alone. Had therapy early in the week and I was really wrestling with some of the questions that came up there.

Originally Posted By: Shyshark

I'll venture a guess at what I think you're saying.
...
Lord knows I was bullied by the best ...
and the worst of them was myself.


Shyshark: that comment touched right at the heart of so many of the issues going on last week. Hearing someone else say the truth really brought home for me a lot of the questions I had been struggling with; just how bad I'd been to myself over all this, for so long. It's not logical, how I can treat myself over what happened to me, or just in general, I guess, and I know it's not logical and I want to change it all, etc. etc. but... the issue is still something of a mess for me at certain times. It's beginning to change, and/but your words right there really solidified for me the approach I was going to take and needed to take, i.e. to be more honest about the whole issue.

Originally Posted By: Shyshark

It sounds to me like maybe you've stopped ganging up on yourself ...
I certainly hope so.

Originally Posted By: kasper
go easy on yourself and stay strong.

-e


I have stopped ganging up on myself: exactly, that's exactly what I was trying to say. It's new for me, it works, I like it, I need to grow in it, a lot. That you guys get it (all of you) (the good and the difficult in what's going on), that you care enough to reach out to me, and that you can "hope" for the best for me, and wish me well, despite not knowing me very well or not hearing from me in a while - I don't even know what to say: thanks? it changes everything? it helps so much? it makes a significant difference? it is completely unexpected? Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, etc.

I have nothing profound to say here unfortunately, despite the fact that your effect on me has been profound. Honestly, I am having a hard time saying anything at all, but I had to say something: I am somewhat tired lately, recently set back, and I am or was feeling quite alone in what's been going on with me. What's worse, is that I've been pretty tempted to "gang up on myself" for just how tough it was last weekend (but I'll resist). I can even be hard on myself for what I write in a response like this (but I'll resist that too). (I will turn this whole thing around however long it takes and no matter how much it might hurt along the way).

The comments each of you took time to write made a big difference for me in the middle of a tough time and I just really wanted to make sure I told you that. Thanks.
_________________________
"Born Under Punches"

Top
#456502 - 12/10/13 12:09 AM Re: Tired of All the Killing - Poss Triggers [Re: SayItRight]
Shyshark Offline


Registered: 10/30/12
Posts: 413
Loc: Canada
((((( SayltRight )))))
_________________________
Experience is a brutal teacher.

Top
#456511 - 12/10/13 06:58 AM Re: Tired of All the Killing - Poss Triggers [Re: SayItRight]
SayItRight Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/06/13
Posts: 64
Shyshark:

I was sneaking on this morning to delete what I wrote last night (before anyone/too many people saw it). Then I saw your response. So, no deleting. I meant what I wrote but I can really struggle with the openness. I'll let it stand as is now. Thanks for the back and forth on it.

SayIt
_________________________
"Born Under Punches"

Top
Page 1 of 2 1 2 >


Moderator:  ModTeam, Publius 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.