HD - you've really nailed it. You have described exactly what many of us mourn, the loss of what we wanted and hoped for ourselves.
I, like you, have spent hours in therapy trying to work through this stuff. One thing my therapist and our marriage therapist always says to both of us - NOTHING is all one way, or all the other. Nothing is black and white. And for those of us who have suffered abuse, we tend to see the world that way. All good or all bad. So the challenge becomes actually seeing ourselves and our partners for who they really are. A little good and a little bad. A little loving and a little not so loving. Perfectly imperfect, carrying the scars that life has delivered.
I struggle daily with this. I can write it down, but can I live it?
Your husband is sweet and horrific. Your husband is loving when he is connected to you, and destructive and hurtful when he is not, when his pain consumes him. He is both. As you are both.
When we fall in love, we see only what we want to see. That nurtures the black and white thing. We see the possibility of our dreams coming true. The reality it seems is that mature love is knowing all sides of the coin, and still choosing to walk together.
The absolute only way I have made it through some of these dark dark days is to be able to see my husband's actions as NOT PERSONAL. He did not act against me - he acted against himself. I was just really close by. In doing that, I have been able to reduce some of my anger at him (some, not all
And you are allowed to mourn the loss of what you dreamed of, and you are allowed to be sad and angry.