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#453795 - 11/15/13 02:34 PM Re: Oh SH**! [Re: Still]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6422
Loc: 2.5 NATO Nations
He's never met the child. He only knows the adult. I'm just not sure I want him to have the mental imagery of his father being "done."

Its not like someone shot at me with a 22. Its not like I was being force-fed alcohol. CSA has really bad visual/mental imagery associated with it.

He does know I'm heavily occupied with CSA activism, and never says a word...never asks a question.

This sucks. Sucks all around.
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#453797 - 11/15/13 02:43 PM Re: Oh SH**! [Re: Still]
newground Offline
Chatroom Moderator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 10/11/11
Posts: 761
Loc: michigan
hey bud
I know it doesn't feel this way, but this is an opportunity to grow close to your son. there is NO need to share details. no reason to tell anything really beyond what he already knows. But if you can find it in yourself to be open with him you can grow closer through this. I am speaking from my experiences with my own kids. once we were able to have a more direct communication (they still don't know everything and may never) I found out how frustrated they had been. They knew all along that I had something there,they just didn't know what it was. It was in many ways freeing for us all. The most important thing is to just let him take the lead. just bring up the book and say that you noticed him reading it and let the convo go at his pace. I know you can do this man.
_________________________
Towards thee I roll, thou all-destroying but unconquering whale; to the last I grapple with thee; from hell's heart I stab at thee; for hate's sake I spit my last breath at thee. let me then tow to pieces, while still chasing thee, thou damned whale! Thus, I give up the spear!"
Herman Melville

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#453803 - 11/15/13 03:10 PM Re: Oh SH**! [Re: Still]
SoccerStar Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/15/12
Posts: 915
Loc: New York
It doesn't have to involve being "done," to his ears.

As Churchill advised FDR when they both knew they had no choice but to disclose the existence of the atom bomb to their then-ally Stalin: "Tell him the great fact, but none of the particulars."


"I had a lousy violent childhood and part of that involved being sexually abused. Books by other survivors are very helpful to me in coping with it - but not as helpful as doing everything I can to make sure I always know that you and your siblings have it better than I did and are safer than I was."

Aaaand -- SCENE.


Matt
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My story

"Don't think it hasn't been a little slice of heaven just because it hasn't!" --Bugs Bunny

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#453817 - 11/15/13 04:17 PM Re: Oh SH**! [Re: Still]
JustScott Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/27/08
Posts: 2577
I agree with Esposa, this is a teaching moment. Or will be in a week or so here.

He knows this stuff goes on, and surely has put 2 and 2 together.

Details aren't necessary. We fathers want to be "strong" for our sons and so we often feel the need to hide that things we perceive as "weak" about ourselves. As fathers we have opportunities to teach and show our sons and daughters that it is ok to show emotions other than anger and happiness. In letting them know that it's ok to show other feelings, we also at the same time get to show them how to handle them.

Don't get rid of your book. What does that accomplish? It won't make the fact that he saw it go away. It won't undo it.

Another question, how do you know he hasn't seen that 700 Club piece from years ago? Your son loves you and nothing will change that.

Recently my son said something that leads me to believe that he thinks I only show emotions when I've had a bit too much to drink.... I know I need to talk to him about that, but fear and awkwardness has kept me from it.

I think I need to fix that and should talk about other things too.

Seize the Day. Maybe don't wait a week if you don't have to. Take him out for a snack or something and just talk. You can do this man, you have been through FAR FAR tougher things than this. Really, you have!

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#453819 - 11/15/13 04:41 PM Re: Oh SH**! [Re: Still]
George Offline
Member

Registered: 01/29/01
Posts: 120
Loc: NY metro
If he already knows that you are a csa activist, him just reading the title aloud probably didn't trigger any further curiosity. But even if it did, I would just be matter of fact with no details, they don't need to carry any burden knowing it. That's how I figured I'd handle it if my kids found out or needed to know for some reason. Even my wife doesn't need to know details.

I was just thinking of this same situation only a month ago, knowing that I have old papers & books in my dresser & in my office, my private areas... but it could be stumbled upon. I think I'm gonna move all that stuff to my safe.

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#453832 - 11/15/13 06:35 PM Re: Oh SH**! [Re: SoccerStar]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6422
Loc: 2.5 NATO Nations
Originally Posted By: SoccerStar
It doesn't have to involve being "done," to his ears.

As Churchill advised FDR when they both knew they had no choice but to disclose the existence of the atom bomb to their then-ally Stalin: "Tell him the great fact, but none of the particulars."


"I had a lousy violent childhood and part of that involved being sexually abused. Books by other survivors are very helpful to me in coping with it - but not as helpful as doing everything I can to make sure I always know that you and your siblings have it better than I did and are safer than I was."

Aaaand -- SCENE.


Matt


Great take people! Let's kill those generators and all meet at The Capital Grill for dinner!
_________________________
This nation has lost its mind!

The Aftermath Video

The Water Buffalo Song

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