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#453822 - 11/15/13 05:13 PM a conundrum
johndoe Offline

Registered: 11/15/13
Posts: 10
Loc: california
I think i need to seek therapy, but I am not ready to tell my wife about the abuse or why I feel I need talk to a therapist. I don't want her to know because I do not want her to be sad or have to deal with my burden. Anyone have suggestions?

#453826 - 11/15/13 06:02 PM Re: a conundrum [Re: johndoe]
Dave PNW Offline

Registered: 04/03/13
Posts: 111
Loc: Pacific Northwest
Hey Johndoe. I had a similar experience last spring. I realized in April that I needed professional help, but I wasnt ready to tell my wife about my abuse. I didnt know how at the time. I looked at my therapist as a safe place to start to put it into words and to gain confidence in telling. One of my goals when i started was to eventually get to the point where I could disclose my secret to her. After two months of counseling I was ready and I told her. This is hard stuff to talk about, but that is important in an open and loving relationship. It has brought us closer together and it has helped her better understand me, the man she loves. I have not told her everything, but enough.

Go and start therapy. Do it for yourself. You will find the right time and voice later when it is right. Telling these secrets takes the power out of them and is a vital part of the recovery journey. Hard. Scary. Glad you have found your way here. Wish you peace. Dave

#453835 - 11/15/13 07:22 PM Re: a conundrum [Re: johndoe]
johndoe Offline

Registered: 11/15/13
Posts: 10
Loc: california
thank you Dave

#453848 - 11/15/13 07:55 PM Re: a conundrum [Re: johndoe]
George Offline

Registered: 01/29/01
Posts: 120
Loc: NY metro
Dave nailed it.

I told my wife in two steps, I told her the bulk of the basics one time, letting her know that there was more to tell that I wasn't able to talk about then. Months later I told her the rest, no details just some more basic facts & confessions about acting out, etc...

#453897 - 11/15/13 10:40 PM Re: a conundrum [Re: johndoe]
Jude Offline

Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1509
Loc: New England
Hey johndoe,

Just my opinion but, I think you're on the right track waiting to talk to your wife until you are fully prepared to do so. However, I would suggest that you NOT try to hide going to therapy.

Women often don't react well to finding that her man has been hiding things from her. Try giving her some general reason for therapy, like "mid-life crisis" (are you old enough to have one?). Thats not really a lie, since many of us didn't begin dealing with all this till mid-life.

Be well,

"I get up, and nothing gets me down.
You got it tough. I've seen the toughest around.
And I know, baby, just how you feel.
You've got to roll with the punches to get to what's real"
Van Halen

#453925 - 11/16/13 01:24 AM Re: a conundrum [Re: johndoe]
tbkkfile Offline

Registered: 09/16/13
Posts: 163
Loc: Surrey, United Kingdom
I spent 6 or so months going through the whole range of emotions, guilt, shame, anger, tears. MS and the guys here were a life saver, like George I told my wife in a few stages and finally disclosed everything to her last month and as Dave says
"it is important in an open and loving relationship. It has brought us closer together and it has helped her better understand me, the man she loves"
Go back?" he thought. "No good at all! Go sideways? Impossible! Go forward? Only thing to do! On we go!" So up he got, and trotted along with his little sword held in front of him and one hand feeling the wall, and his heart all of a patter and a pitter

J.R.R.Tolkien, The Hobbit

#454160 - 11/17/13 04:30 PM Re: a conundrum [Re: johndoe]
Castle Offline

Registered: 10/03/09
Posts: 727
Loc: NJ
Taking my toys, and heading home.

Edited by Castle (12/18/13 07:32 PM)

My posts can self destruct at any them while you can.


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