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#453805 - 11/15/13 03:11 PM Blaming from Family
JayBro Offline


Registered: 11/13/12
Posts: 271
Loc: Germany
I am in a fight with my mother. She is up-set at me for pursuing opportunities that will help me with my graduate school and career goals because it will mean that I will be leaving the home.

She used some B.S. argument that because she gave birth to her kids, she loves my brother and I more than our dad. I responded that that was a weak argument because my father never used to beat my brother and I when we were kids and scream at us all the time like she did. She went on denying this (as she does before) and then started to blame me for my own sexual abuse and usage in child pornography. She stated that she knew it was going on all along and then said "and it was all your fault". Although if so, then why didnt she do anything about it?!! How can you say you care about your children and then blame them for being sexually abused and say you knew about it all along?

I don't understand. I feel so hurt and dont know what to say to her when I am forced to talk to her again.
_________________________
,,Nun ging es immerzu, weit, weit bis an der Welt Ende."

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#453810 - 11/15/13 03:39 PM ! [Re: JayBro]
Smalltown80sBoy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/25/12
Posts: 2217
!


Edited by Smalltown80sBoy (02/28/14 10:30 PM)

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#453811 - 11/15/13 03:41 PM Re: Blaming from Family [Re: JayBro]
Castle Offline


Registered: 10/03/09
Posts: 734
Loc: NJ
children are not born to fulfill a parent's need for the rest of thier life like some think.

She seems very toxic and interested in using you to satisfy her own needs. When we start to break free fron that oppression, they will do/ say anything to protect what THEY NEED.

Take care of yourself, and do what's best for you.

Sometimes the hardest part of parenting is allowing and letting your kids go and grow into the people they are.

good luck
_________________________

My posts can self destruct at any time..read them while you can.

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#453903 - 11/15/13 10:52 PM Re: Blaming from Family [Re: JayBro]
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1600
Loc: New England
A parent who loves a grown child would support their pursuing their dreams. It sounds like your mother is really only concerned for herself.

By her own admission, your mother was complicit in your sexual abuse. And now she uses that fact to try to manipulate and shame you? That alone is a good enough reason to get yourself out of that home. And if doing so brings other educational and professional benefits, so much the better.
_________________________
Seems I've got to have a change of scene
Every night I have the strangest dreams
Imprisoned by the way it could have been
Left here on my own or so it seems
I've got to leave before I start to scream
Joe Cocker

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#453924 - 11/16/13 01:16 AM Re: Blaming from Family [Re: JayBro]
tbkkfile Offline


Registered: 09/16/13
Posts: 283
Loc: Surrey, United Kingdom
A loving parent wants what's best for their children and not what's best for themselves, I have 3 kids and was so proud when each of them made their way in life.

Be strong and fulfill your own destiny not hers, walk your own path in life.

My own Mother is toxic, a master at manipulation, I managed to get out and it was liberating.

Good luck and take care
_________________________
To look up and not down,
To look forward and not back,
To look out and not in

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#453945 - 11/16/13 08:03 AM Re: Blaming from Family [Re: JayBro]
jas4159 Offline


Registered: 06/16/11
Posts: 300
Oh the bliss of denial and avoidence. Your mother cannot bring herself to face the truth. I think most parents have a hard time coming to grips that they could not or would not protect their own child. It sounds like she has a lot of guilt and cannot face it.

rich
_________________________
Thanks

rich

justanothersurvivror.wordpress.com

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#453946 - 11/16/13 08:13 AM Re: Blaming from Family [Re: JayBro]
On The Fringe Offline


Registered: 09/21/13
Posts: 326
Loc: Southeast USA
She is bat shit crazy. Simple.

Seems like getting away from a toxic environment would be good for you.

Launching your own life is a good thing.

Blaming you for your CSA? That is just evil.
_________________________
I feel more like I do now than I did when I got here.

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#453953 - 11/16/13 09:03 AM Re: Blaming from Family [Re: JayBro]
concerned_husky Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/29/12
Posts: 605
Jeez, can I relate to this post.

I don't have much to add to what others have posted already. I'll be rooting for you. You deserve that freedom, and if it's within your reach, hell, go for it.
_________________________
Husky

My Story

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#453972 - 11/16/13 11:20 AM Re: Blaming from Family [Re: JayBro]
don64 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/13
Posts: 820
Loc: St. Croix, USVI
It's sure fine with me if you leave home as soon as it is practical to do so. It sounds like a natural move, and I imagine you will enjoy the perspective you gain. Change can be scary, but healthy change always opens the way for new opportunities. Good for you for taking charge and for making healthy decisions for yourself. Don
_________________________
Divine Law is not judgment or denial of self truths. Divine Law is honoring harmony that comes from a peaceful mind, an open heart, a true tongue, a light step, a forgiving nature, and a love of all living creatures. Jamie Sams & David Carson, Medicine Cards

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#454975 - 11/24/13 11:50 PM Re: Blaming from Family [Re: JayBro]
JayBro Offline


Registered: 11/13/12
Posts: 271
Loc: Germany
Thank you all for your messages and support.

I was on my own these past four years, although with some financial help and I was still obligated to visit them often. These past months since June when I moved back into their house upon graduation have been difficult, but at least I have been able to access certain CSA theraputic resources which weren't available in my uni town. My mom is very toxic, and I see that my brother and dad are also unhappy with her, yet my dad is too scared to ever confront her.

Here is another example of my mom: this week I landed a job which will help finance my move and further education, but my mom is upset that it is not the "right" kind of job that she wants me to be working. Probably not prestigious enough for her or not a job which will keep me tied down for a number of years. But it is a lot better than appyling aimlessly to jobs and using their money.

She still has not apologised to what she said to me about my CSA: I brought it up to my dad today and he was dismissive and simply stated that he did not want to hear more arguing.

I cannot wait to return to the piece I enjoyed at school.

My parents never spoke to any professionals about CSA and do not invest much time or care into it. My dad is only giving me money for a T, but even that he is using to be controlling with. At least now I will be able to pay for it on my own.

It means a lot to me to read what you all have said, and some of you are fathers and/or have experienced similar family situations. It is difficult coming to accept certain facts about our parents which do not conform to societal expectations of how they should be. And to admit this to others comes with the fear of appearing to be callous and cruel. I am also plagued with the fear of deeping hurting their feelings and leaving them lonely in old age. I don't want to hurt other people...


Edited by JayBro (11/24/13 11:54 PM)
_________________________
,,Nun ging es immerzu, weit, weit bis an der Welt Ende."

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#454977 - 11/25/13 12:17 AM Re: Blaming from Family [Re: JayBro]
WriterKeith Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/10
Posts: 953
Loc: southern California
Jay,
Oh how I wish I could convey how much I can relate with your situation about being blamed.

I traveled the road from being assaulted by my father, being laughed at and mocked for my symptoms of abuse, and then being blamed for the assaults by my mother. My mother said, "It's your own fault; you must have done something to entice it," and my father said, "You got what you asked for."

It's a prevalent situation, so don't feel alone or singled out, and certainly don't feel to blame. You're making solid and wise choices toward healing.

Keep on the path; they didn't protect and nurture you, but you can do it for yourself!

_________________________
"A burned bridge can be a gift; it prevents us from returning to a place we should have never been."
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5JfvAPZGjds

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#454993 - 11/25/13 06:04 AM Re: Blaming from Family [Re: JayBro]
don64 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/13
Posts: 820
Loc: St. Croix, USVI
Hi JayBro,

NEWSFLASH! You are the only person that can figure out what you need and how to take care of yourself. Taking healthy care of yourself does not diminish anyone. If they suggest that it is a crock. You have consistently described insensitivity and manipulation from your mother and simply insensitivity from your father. That is all on them, not on you. They will have to deal with the consequences of their choices. It's a law of the universe. And, you will have to deal with the consequences of your choices. Choose yourself in positive loving ways. That does not diminish your parents. It does not sound like there is much to gain by engaging them, period.

Pull your energies into yourself and focus on your own growth. It sounds like sailing out of port as quietly and as quickly as possible is the healthy choice for you, and it sounds like that is exactly what you are doing. This is a good opportunity to learn to not engage energy that is not supportive of who you are. Just because they are your parents does not mean they are able to value you or even see you. In fact, it seems there interests are personal at your expense. Do not engage. Learn to quietly erect some boundaries WITHIN yourself and let them be themselves without you needing to change them. You can't. You are the only one you can ever change. And, as you change yourself, you influence the world. You are the most important person for you. Take very good care of you. Sometimes growing quietly is a good thing. Just my opinion.

Don
_________________________
Divine Law is not judgment or denial of self truths. Divine Law is honoring harmony that comes from a peaceful mind, an open heart, a true tongue, a light step, a forgiving nature, and a love of all living creatures. Jamie Sams & David Carson, Medicine Cards

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#455490 - 11/29/13 06:27 PM Re: Blaming from Family [Re: JayBro]
JayBro Offline


Registered: 11/13/12
Posts: 271
Loc: Germany
Hey Don,

Thank you so much for your insight. You are absolutely right and I think your metaphor of the ship sailing out of port as quietly and quickly as possible fits the situation perfectly. I am more or less working on my goals which will be geared towards my independence. Financing my living expenses, being able to pay for my therapist on my own, and paying for my flight to my future job and schooling opportunities abroad are all part of the plan. In addition to working, I am also devoting my time to volunteering at two different places: a national LGBTQ human rights lobby and a child sexual abuse investigation and support site.

I am so greatful to all of the supportive comments I have been receiving. My goals for personal growth are sometimes met with doubt or fear as sailing into any unfamiliar territory is nerve-racking and can be met with stormy weather conditions wink But it always helps to see my lighthouses and bouys which guide me along.

Much love,

Nick
_________________________
,,Nun ging es immerzu, weit, weit bis an der Welt Ende."

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#455554 - 11/30/13 08:38 AM Re: Blaming from Family [Re: JayBro]
KMCINVA Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 1782
I think you need to take charge of your life. Sometimes a parent is blinded by there need to be loved and the center of a child's life. You need to pursue opportunities important to you and not your mother. Your mother should talk to someone about her own issues--to tell or demonstrate she loves you above your dad is not normal.

Blaming you for the abuse is a guilt technique, to weaken you and keep you under her control. She is not happy and lacked something in her life. Everything seems to go back to childhood. You are stronger than many, I have seen children talk of not having freedom but fall back and live a life under a parent's thumb. They loose friends or never truly have a friend, disown or belittle people and never find happiness. They fall into the trap and treat others in a way they did not wanted to be treated. You need to find happiness--pursue the opportunities before you.

Also remember the abuse and everything else about the abuse is not your fault--you are growing and deserve the life you seek.

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#455619 - 11/30/13 08:59 PM Re: Blaming from Family [Re: JayBro]
don64 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/13
Posts: 820
Loc: St. Croix, USVI
JayBro,

Some thoughts:

1. Taking healthy care of yourself does not diminish others. It introduces health and honesty in a situation.

2. We do not learn by enabling dysfunctional situations.

3. If your parents are lonely in old age, it will be a consequence of their life choices, not yours.

4. If you are lonely in old age, it will be a consequence of your life choices, not theirs on anyone else's.

5. Emotional pain is a sign that something is not working right and seems to be the primary impetus for how we grow.

6. Trying to prevent someone else's emotional pain doesn't really work. It is not possible. I am the only person who can prevent my emotional pain by working THROUGH it and learning the lessons I need to. That way, my experiences become a part of supporting me on my journey instead of tearing me down. It's the way I develop wisdom and understanding. It seems to be the soul's journey and the way we evolve.

7. You can't do your parents work for them. You can only do your own.

Good Luck,

Don
_________________________
Divine Law is not judgment or denial of self truths. Divine Law is honoring harmony that comes from a peaceful mind, an open heart, a true tongue, a light step, a forgiving nature, and a love of all living creatures. Jamie Sams & David Carson, Medicine Cards

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#460912 - 02/16/14 11:48 PM Re: Blaming from Family [Re: JayBro]
JayBro Offline


Registered: 11/13/12
Posts: 271
Loc: Germany
Thank you both KMCINVA and Don for your messages of support and advice.

In the last month I have had the courage to bring up my abuse to my parents because it has been more relevant to what I am doing (i.e. volunteering at a support centre for abuse victims as well as visiting it regularly for my own recovery). It has helped in that I have been able to relay messages to my parents of what I would like from them during my journey and straight up facts about the difficulty for victims to disclose and seek help (and the stigma which is often a powerful agent in creating said difficulty). I want their understanding, I want them to quit their victim-blaming, I want them to not think of my abuse as shameful and silence-worthy, I want them to address my sexuality, and I want their acknowledgement and acceptance of my life plans.

I told my mother that this journey has changed my life and I may want to pursue a career to help develop resources for sexual trauma survivors. It is a big part of who I am in an increasingly empowering way and she has been taking note of that.

Things are changing, and the truth in what you both said is coming through and becoming integrated into my worldview. I could never cut my parents out of my life completely, however I can be more assertive and honest without disappointment if they don't want to change but also without underestimation of their capacity to change. Likewise, I am becoming less afraid of moving abroad and living alone again as I trailblaze the next chapter in my life.
_________________________
,,Nun ging es immerzu, weit, weit bis an der Welt Ende."

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#460915 - 02/17/14 02:45 AM Re: Blaming from Family [Re: JayBro]
don64 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/13
Posts: 820
Loc: St. Croix, USVI
Congratulations JayBro. I'm happy to see you consciously being with yourself throughout this. I don't always make choices that bring me happiness, but I do always learn from my choices. Learning to bring the focus back to myself and to not blame others has been the point where I am able to bring freedom in my life.

I'm happy you are finding some understanding with your parents, and, in my mind, like all things, what you are finding is understanding and gaining experience of yourself. I was 53 before remembering paternal abuse and 63 before remembering maternal abuse. Bringing the abuse into consciousness and walking through it has been the answer for me in terms of releasing the debilitating effects of the abuse. I am happy to say that today, and I mean today literally, I am able to see and make some healthy FEELING life choices I was not able to yesterday. It really is a process, and it is never ending. For me, the strength to move through situations in life is coming from me learning healthy patterns that I can use in any situation and generalize to any situation. That way, I'm not dependent on what others do, who others are, but am able to rely on my own feelings and consciously make choices for myself.

It is so uplifting to me to see folks as young as yourself have the opportunity and energy to look at life in a personal and conscious way.

Congrats again,

Don
_________________________
Divine Law is not judgment or denial of self truths. Divine Law is honoring harmony that comes from a peaceful mind, an open heart, a true tongue, a light step, a forgiving nature, and a love of all living creatures. Jamie Sams & David Carson, Medicine Cards

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#460962 - 02/17/14 03:35 PM Re: Blaming from Family [Re: JayBro]
JayBro Offline


Registered: 11/13/12
Posts: 271
Loc: Germany
Thank you Don!

I think I have been aided by a society with more exposure on these issues and I had already adopted a pattern of wanting to seek out... honesty? Wisedom? Maturity? I don't know what to call it, but I always had a certain motivation to make the most of this life and constantly push myself to go the road that is less easy and less common. (I personally believe in some form of reincarnation, so perhaps my inner self is actually quite old?)

I am quite sure that your journey has been and will continue to be very meaningful and amazing. I find my best supports from good friends who act as my family. Lately, I have begun to see my therapist as a personal mentor and somewhat of an older gay father-figure. Those supports give me the courage to stand up to my family and tell them "how it is" and apply what I have learnt from volunteering and from therapy to real-life application. I feel like life is too short for bullshyte.

I can also absolutely agree with your statement that the inner strength to move through situations is rooted in learning healthy patterns to be used in any situation.

Thank you for your support. I am inspired by my counterparts like yourself from previous generations who have had to experience so much and go on without already established support networks/services. Congratulations to YOU- YOU MADE IT!!
_________________________
,,Nun ging es immerzu, weit, weit bis an der Welt Ende."

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