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#453805 - 11/15/13 03:11 PM Blaming from Family
JayBro Offline


Registered: 11/13/12
Posts: 255
Loc: Germany
I am in a fight with my mother. She is up-set at me for pursuing opportunities that will help me with my graduate school and career goals because it will mean that I will be leaving the home.

She used some B.S. argument that because she gave birth to her kids, she loves my brother and I more than our dad. I responded that that was a weak argument because my father never used to beat my brother and I when we were kids and scream at us all the time like she did. She went on denying this (as she does before) and then started to blame me for my own sexual abuse and usage in child pornography. She stated that she knew it was going on all along and then said "and it was all your fault". Although if so, then why didnt she do anything about it?!! How can you say you care about your children and then blame them for being sexually abused and say you knew about it all along?

I don't understand. I feel so hurt and dont know what to say to her when I am forced to talk to her again.
_________________________
,,Nun ging es immerzu, weit, weit bis an der Welt Ende."

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#453810 - 11/15/13 03:39 PM ! [Re: JayBro]
Smalltown80sBoy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/25/12
Posts: 2217
!


Edited by Smalltown80sBoy (02/28/14 10:30 PM)

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#453811 - 11/15/13 03:41 PM Re: Blaming from Family [Re: JayBro]
Castle Offline


Registered: 10/03/09
Posts: 730
Loc: NJ
children are not born to fulfill a parent's need for the rest of thier life like some think.

She seems very toxic and interested in using you to satisfy her own needs. When we start to break free fron that oppression, they will do/ say anything to protect what THEY NEED.

Take care of yourself, and do what's best for you.

Sometimes the hardest part of parenting is allowing and letting your kids go and grow into the people they are.

good luck
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My posts can self destruct at any time..read them while you can.

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#453903 - 11/15/13 10:52 PM Re: Blaming from Family [Re: JayBro]
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1536
Loc: New England
A parent who loves a grown child would support their pursuing their dreams. It sounds like your mother is really only concerned for herself.

By her own admission, your mother was complicit in your sexual abuse. And now she uses that fact to try to manipulate and shame you? That alone is a good enough reason to get yourself out of that home. And if doing so brings other educational and professional benefits, so much the better.
_________________________
Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine.
Sheryl Crow

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#453924 - 11/16/13 01:16 AM Re: Blaming from Family [Re: JayBro]
tbkkfile Offline


Registered: 09/16/13
Posts: 197
Loc: Surrey, United Kingdom
A loving parent wants what's best for their children and not what's best for themselves, I have 3 kids and was so proud when each of them made their way in life.

Be strong and fulfill your own destiny not hers, walk your own path in life.

My own Mother is toxic, a master at manipulation, I managed to get out and it was liberating.

Good luck and take care
_________________________
Go back?" he thought. "No good at all! Go sideways? Impossible! Go forward? Only thing to do! On we go!" So up he got, and trotted along with his little sword held in front of him and one hand feeling the wall, and his heart all of a patter and a pitter

J.R.R.Tolkien, The Hobbit

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#453945 - 11/16/13 08:03 AM Re: Blaming from Family [Re: JayBro]
jas4159 Offline


Registered: 06/16/11
Posts: 284
Oh the bliss of denial and avoidence. Your mother cannot bring herself to face the truth. I think most parents have a hard time coming to grips that they could not or would not protect their own child. It sounds like she has a lot of guilt and cannot face it.

rich
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Thanks

rich

justanothersurvivror.wordpress.com

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#453946 - 11/16/13 08:13 AM Re: Blaming from Family [Re: JayBro]
On The Fringe Offline


Registered: 09/21/13
Posts: 326
Loc: Southeast USA
She is bat shit crazy. Simple.

Seems like getting away from a toxic environment would be good for you.

Launching your own life is a good thing.

Blaming you for your CSA? That is just evil.
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I feel more like I do now than I did when I got here.

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#453953 - 11/16/13 09:03 AM Re: Blaming from Family [Re: JayBro]
concerned_husky Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/29/12
Posts: 587
Jeez, can I relate to this post.

I don't have much to add to what others have posted already. I'll be rooting for you. You deserve that freedom, and if it's within your reach, hell, go for it.
_________________________
Husky

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#453972 - 11/16/13 11:20 AM Re: Blaming from Family [Re: JayBro]
don64 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/13
Posts: 703
Loc: St. Croix, USVI
It's sure fine with me if you leave home as soon as it is practical to do so. It sounds like a natural move, and I imagine you will enjoy the perspective you gain. Change can be scary, but healthy change always opens the way for new opportunities. Good for you for taking charge and for making healthy decisions for yourself. Don
_________________________
Divine Law is not judgment or denial of self truths. Divine Law is honoring harmony that comes from a peaceful mind, an open heart, a true tongue, a light step, a forgiving nature, and a love of all living creatures. Jamie Sams & David Carson, Medicine Cards

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#454975 - 11/24/13 11:50 PM Re: Blaming from Family [Re: JayBro]
JayBro Offline


Registered: 11/13/12
Posts: 255
Loc: Germany
Thank you all for your messages and support.

I was on my own these past four years, although with some financial help and I was still obligated to visit them often. These past months since June when I moved back into their house upon graduation have been difficult, but at least I have been able to access certain CSA theraputic resources which weren't available in my uni town. My mom is very toxic, and I see that my brother and dad are also unhappy with her, yet my dad is too scared to ever confront her.

Here is another example of my mom: this week I landed a job which will help finance my move and further education, but my mom is upset that it is not the "right" kind of job that she wants me to be working. Probably not prestigious enough for her or not a job which will keep me tied down for a number of years. But it is a lot better than appyling aimlessly to jobs and using their money.

She still has not apologised to what she said to me about my CSA: I brought it up to my dad today and he was dismissive and simply stated that he did not want to hear more arguing.

I cannot wait to return to the piece I enjoyed at school.

My parents never spoke to any professionals about CSA and do not invest much time or care into it. My dad is only giving me money for a T, but even that he is using to be controlling with. At least now I will be able to pay for it on my own.

It means a lot to me to read what you all have said, and some of you are fathers and/or have experienced similar family situations. It is difficult coming to accept certain facts about our parents which do not conform to societal expectations of how they should be. And to admit this to others comes with the fear of appearing to be callous and cruel. I am also plagued with the fear of deeping hurting their feelings and leaving them lonely in old age. I don't want to hurt other people...


Edited by JayBro (11/24/13 11:54 PM)
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,,Nun ging es immerzu, weit, weit bis an der Welt Ende."

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