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#453558 - 11/13/13 09:34 PM I am Waiting
mattheal Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/10/12
Posts: 142
Loc: Ohio
I've been reading poetry at lunch. One of my favorites is Lawrence Ferlinghetti. A girl I dated in high school gave me one of his collections of poems and I have loved him ever since. The girl I dated is now a lesbian, work at hospice, and drinks too much. But Ferlinghetti stuck.

I've been feeling really lost lately. Anxious. Like a lot of life is a routine chore. It's not that I am sad, and I feel grateful for what and who I have in my life, but there is an empty space. A lot of times I feel like I am marching in place and every day is more of the same and less of the different. I'm hoping the new meds my doc prescribed will help with all of it. I really want a short vacation from life - a bit of time to calm down and clear my head. I get lost in my phone a lot - jumping wherever the next wikapedia link sends me. This lets me check out and just get by, but its improvement - I can do so now with other people in the room, instead of going off to the bedroom alone. Its a start, but not much of one.

I've been think a lot of Ferlinghetti, and I think maybe I am just waiting.

"I am waiting for the Great Divide to be crossed
and I am anxiously waiting
for the secret of eternal life to be discovered
by an obscure general practitioner
and I am waiting
for the storms of life
to be over
and I am waiting
to set sail for happiness" - Lawrence Ferlinghetti
_________________________
It's okay to find the faith to saunter forward
With no fear of shadows spreading where you stand
And you'll breathe easier just knowing
that the worst is all behind you
And the waves that tossed the raft all night
have set you on dry land
- The Mountain Goats - "Never Quite Free"

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#453566 - 11/13/13 10:11 PM Re: I am Waiting [Re: mattheal]
Jacob S Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/01/13
Posts: 594
Never read the poem before, so I looked it up and read the whole thing. Really interesting and descriptive of modern life -- I was surprised to see it was written back in 1958.

It is hard to get a grasp on exactly what the author thinks of waiting. Much of what he longs for are positive but also contradictory things. Ultimately, waiting won't make good things come about. But then again, sometimes they aren't things we can do anything about anyway so waiting/hoping is all we have. It kind of reminds me of the mountain goats' song "Cubs in Five"

they're gonna find intelligent life up there on the moon
and the canterbury tales will shoot up to the top of the best seller list
and stay there for 27 weeks

and the chicago cubs will beat every team in the league
and the tampa bay bucs will make it the way to january
and i will love you again




So I guess the trick is to know when it is ok to sit back and take a break and when is it time to re-engage. Not an easy question, but I'm really glad yo hear you are making progress.
_________________________
Like a spent gladiator
crawling in the colosseum dust
who can count on his remaining limbs
all the people he can trust.
Like the one who stands behind him
cheering him on
Estatic when he stands defiant,
wild with abandon when he's gone

just stay alive.
do whatever you need to.
you are worth it.

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#453616 - 11/14/13 11:17 AM Re: I am Waiting [Re: mattheal]
toddop Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/14/11
Posts: 214
Loc: California
Hey Matt,

I totally get where you are coming from. I get in that numbed out and detached space all the time. I feel a bit lost and disoriented. I'm wondering if you aren't just unconsciously taking a breather. You have been doing so much good work over the past few months. It is not like you have been sitting idle. You have been doing hard work on your CSA issues, attending to your family and their needs, attending the WOR. That is necessary, but exhausting work. Maybe you just need a bit of break. You cannot just drive a car nonstop with the pedal pushed down full throttle. You have to stop for gas, and let the engine cool down.

Guys are very results-oriented. When there is nothing going on, or there is any deviation in the plan that is established in our heads, we get anxious and feel like we are not being active. I get this way all the time. I think my recovery should go one way, along the lines I have plotted, and it turns another way seemingly of its own accord. It can be problematic to a more solution-oriented approach to say the least.

I am glad to hear you are spending your time reading poetry. It really takes you to a different head space. So much can be said with minimal phrasing. It doesn't follow obvious patterns. Neither does the progress as we move along the path to healing ourselves. It is full of dips, turns, climbs, and dives. But also it is full of line drives and plateaus where the simple act of living has a flatness that may seem like inactivity or inaction, when in fact it is still getting us somewhere. I am inclined to think that you are merely at a pit stop for your next big climb.

You are already taking actions that once you had used for isolation and firmly planting yourself among others. That in itself is a very active response to past behaviors that were not serving you well. I think with a little patience, this lull period, this waiting, will be well worth it and you will be on your way again.
_________________________
Todd

"Great spirits have often encountered violent opposition from weak minds."
-Albert Einstein

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#453667 - 11/14/13 06:32 PM Re: I am Waiting [Re: mattheal]
jas4159 Offline


Registered: 06/16/11
Posts: 278
I really like this poem and i can relate to it.

thank you for sharing

justanothersurvivror.wordpress.com
_________________________
Thanks

rich

justanothersurvivror.wordpress.com

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#453727 - 11/15/13 05:47 AM Re: I am Waiting [Re: mattheal]
don64 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/13
Posts: 667
Loc: St. Croix, USVI
I read somewhere "timely retreat is a hallmark of the spiritual warrior." Best wishes. Don
_________________________
Divine Law is not judgment or denial of self truths. Divine Law is honoring harmony that comes from a peaceful mind, an open heart, a true tongue, a light step, a forgiving nature, and a love of all living creatures. Jamie Sams & David Carson, Medicine Cards

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