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#453126 - 11/10/13 10:02 AM Sibling relationships
sugarbaby Offline


Registered: 08/17/08
Posts: 329
Oh it's that Holiday time of year again! Time to deal with relatives that have different levels of awareness regarding TRUTH. Misconceptions will run rampant, as they always do, and I will hate being the keeper of the secret.

I feel bad for H though. I can see where his CSA fractured his relationships with his siblings. Even now that they know a general bit of it they do not explore how it effected their relationship with their brother. I can see it. I see it as plainly as those long cracks that form on a frozen lake.

I don't think the siblings know enough about CSA to put the pieces of the puzzle together. On the other hand they don't look into it either. They don't call and talk to H about it - only one of them ever did so he is excluded from this. I am about to have it out with one of the sibling's spouses over how they treat H. I'd prefer to not go to that level but it's grating on my nerves. What she doesn't know is a lot. What she doesn't understand is even more.

How does everyone else fair with the effects of CSA and any impact on their sibling relationships?



Edited by sugarbaby (11/10/13 10:04 AM)

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#453149 - 11/10/13 06:39 PM Re: Sibling relationships [Re: sugarbaby]
Esposa Offline
F&F Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 678
Loc: NJ
I often feel bad for my husband on this topic. But there is no hope for them since I think they were all raised to believe that incest and sexual abuse were par for the course. There is absolutely no level of awareness about anything else being possible. In fact, they see my husband as a trouble maker in that he has disclosed. Those were family secrets after all.

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#453207 - 11/11/13 08:11 AM Re: Sibling relationships [Re: sugarbaby]
Castle Offline


Registered: 10/03/09
Posts: 727
Loc: NJ
Taking my toys, and heading home.


Edited by Castle (12/18/13 07:36 PM)
_________________________

My posts can self destruct at any time..read them while you can.

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#453605 - 11/14/13 08:09 AM Re: Sibling relationships [Re: sugarbaby]
learning2remember Offline
Member

Registered: 10/21/03
Posts: 248
Loc: Europe
I live in another country from my family now, so holidays do not meaning re-living that disfunction. Sometimes we go home in the summer, though. I used to get worried beforehand: wondering if things would be tense, if Mom or my brother would try anything like 30years ao, wondering if my kids were safe, wondering if I would get emtional, wondering if my older brother would make jokes about me in front of everyone. Now I've learned everything is pretty much ok in these regards. Mom is dead, so she is out of the equation.

The main question is my older brother. He is one of my abusers: he was a teenager, maybe 13-17, and I was 8-12. When I confronted him 10 years ago (when I was 33), he didn't remember anything and said he never would do anything like that. I convince myself he's grown out of it, and in a way he has. But not entirely. He is always out for a laugh with a complete disregard for teh other person's feelings. One of my goals in therapy has been to discover what is funny and what isn't, because I realised I laughed at my own abuse. That is a problem today when we meet. He is still loud, still laughs at me, etc.

I have very little contact with him. I worry about him sometimes, but I don't miss him. I don't really like being around him. It is a loss, but I don't care. I find myself getting angry as I write this. He had me almost in tears last time we met, adn I don'T think he knew it. I don'T feel like I've ever got teh upper hand on him. Sorry, I think I've digressed. I didn'T know I would.

Bottom line? Our realtionship is not openly hostile, but we are distant. Our time together is tolerable, but I don'T relish it. There is antoher brother I get along well with and talk to several times a week.
_________________________
"This is not my shame, this is their shame." Mona Eltahawy

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#453648 - 11/14/13 03:46 PM Re: Sibling relationships [Re: sugarbaby]
sugarbaby Offline


Registered: 08/17/08
Posts: 329
Well H doesn't want to go to any holiday things so I guess it will be quiet this year. His abuser was a neighbor but it took away so much from his family. I don't even think they realize a lot of it. They just know what is 'normal'.

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#453718 - 11/15/13 03:12 AM Re: Sibling relationships [Re: sugarbaby]
learning2remember Offline
Member

Registered: 10/21/03
Posts: 248
Loc: Europe
You know, "the holidays" is a pretty loaded topic all by itself, and not just for survivors. One stressor is the idea that this is the time for the whole family to get together adn enjoy being together, adn that anything less than perfect harmony in each other's company requires disappointment or even blame. My best extended family memories are Thanksgiving at my grandmother's every year. I'm glad to have had those, but I haven't known anything like it since then.

What I'm wondering, sugarbaby, is if you miss that family time for you and yours? Is your husband's unwillingness to go causing you some kind of loss? If so, you might tell him that it is important for you to connect with the others once a year and together you might develop stragegies for him to feel secure. ("We only have to do the main lunch together. Beyond that nothing is compulsary." or whatever.) Or you might find a way to get together with the folks you like at different times during the year separately rather than whenever everybody is together. For what it's worth, my father rarely went to these Thanksgiving events (It was Mom's family.), and as kids that seemed normal to us.

I don't have easy answers; sorry if it sounds like I'm stating the obvious in an effort to solve things.

All I'm trying to say is that, as a survivor, I don't want to put added pressure on your husband, but, at the same time, your wants and needs are important, too, and maybe there is solution between All and Nothing.
_________________________
"This is not my shame, this is their shame." Mona Eltahawy

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