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#453685 - 11/14/13 08:59 PM Oh SH**!
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6317
Loc: 2 NATO Nations
I've been waiting to post this to see if it goes away. Its not going away. Its not changing. I hate to be graphic, but it's permanence is like one of the graphic things that happened. Once you've been [graphic (ed)], you can't undo it. mad mad

Well. My son was cleaning-up my bedroom without my knowledge. He was re-shelving books. He read aloud the title of each book as he set them on the shelf. I heard him read "Victims no Longer, the...blah blah by Mike Lew."

He's certainly heard a lot around town about me just being "plain old dangerous," but....i don't know. I'm at a loss.

I spent 35 years not talking about it. I'm falling right into that same exact freakin mode all over again. By why should I be robbed of my dignity in my son's eyes. mad mad mad

He just turned 15 this week and lives with his mother and my 12-yo princess in this town.

This needs to just go away, ya know?
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#453689 - 11/14/13 09:53 PM Re: Oh SH**! [Re: Still]
Esposa Offline
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MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 637
Loc: NJ
I am sorry it went down this way.

Please don't run from it though. It will be okay. For your son, how you handle it will set the tone for how he processes it, in my opinion.

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#453694 - 11/14/13 10:25 PM Re: Oh SH**! [Re: Still]
SoccerStar Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/15/12
Posts: 915
Loc: New York
^What she said.

You have always depicted your relationship with your children as being good, and as close as you can manage given your circumstances. 15 is not 5. I think if you give him a clinical, single-sentence statement.... bloodless and undetailed.... he would understand. He would probably be horrified to learn that someone ever hurt you. Angry for your sake... concerned. You could use it as a segue into an equally brief explanation of its impact on your marriage.

Easy for me to say, I know. But the cat's out of the bag, this IS happening, and you're much better off shaping the story in your own words than letting Amazon.com and neighborhood scuttlebutt partially and misleadingly shape it instead.


Matt
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"Don't think it hasn't been a little slice of heaven just because it hasn't!" --Bugs Bunny

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#453706 - 11/14/13 11:54 PM Re: Oh SH**! [Re: Still]
Still Offline
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MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6317
Loc: 2 NATO Nations
can't I just get a spinal tap instead?
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#453710 - 11/15/13 12:02 AM Re: Oh SH**! [Re: Still]
Still Offline
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Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6317
Loc: 2 NATO Nations
I made this video for him for his 15th b-day.

I'll leave it on for a day.

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#453771 - 11/15/13 12:30 PM Re: Oh SH**! [Re: Still]
HD001 Offline


Registered: 07/30/12
Posts: 205
Loc: IDAHO
Still
Yeah sounds like an uncomfortable situation. Also not the way you would have wanted your son to find out.
But what's done is done. You should talk to him about it.
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#453784 - 11/15/13 01:16 PM Re: Oh SH**! [Re: Still]
JustScott Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/27/08
Posts: 2569
My son is 13. He was 12 when he found out about what happened to me. He and I haven't EVER talked about it. My wife told him while I was away on a business trip.

I don't remember really why she told him. I do remember asking her how he replied and it was something alone the lines of, I don't want to know that.

I'd ask him about what he thought about the books he was putting away. Chances are, he already knows (someone might have already told him) and perhaps his reading the books out loud was an attempt to say he wanted to talk about it.


Edited by JustScott (11/15/13 01:17 PM)

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#453786 - 11/15/13 01:28 PM Re: Oh SH**! [Re: Still]
Still Offline
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MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6317
Loc: 2 NATO Nations
I just don't know.

I have a full week without them to think about it.

He knows my home-life was violent and difficult. He knows I was "abused badly and beaten-up by a pack of older boy in the neighborhood for years (the perps)."

Id rather it end there. The book will be gone by the end of the day.
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#453791 - 11/15/13 02:14 PM Re: Oh SH**! [Re: Still]
don64 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/13
Posts: 360
Loc: St. Croix, USVI
Hi Still,

I get how upsetting this is to you. You are, in some way, experiencing being abused again. This is all yours. You have a week to process it. The fact remains, however, that your son did discover the book, and he did read the title aloud. I don't generally feel it is healthy to obscure truth. I feel if we obscure truth we seriously interfere with our ability to learn. So far, you words are suggesting you are ashamed of your experiences. Is shame what you really want to teach your son? Is secrecy really what you want to teach your son? You son will always learn from YOU. YOU means he will always learn from how you handle yourself in all situations. This may be very difficult for you, but you have a week to process. It seems to me that this can be very important for both you and your son. I send you and your family lots of love. Don

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#453794 - 11/15/13 02:29 PM Re: Oh SH**! [Re: Still]
Esposa Offline
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MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 637
Loc: NJ
Still.... I encourage you to face this one head on. He doesn't need details, but he needs TRUST - and that is two ways, you trusting him and him trusting you. The unspoken for a child is painful. I know you are scared and hurting, but he might surprise you.

My kids don't know details. They are 10 and 13. But they know that daddy had a bad childhood and that his mother was not loving toward him - and that he was hurt. They also saw all the collateral damage. And they saw that very same book.

Yesterday, I was driving them to school and they saw a classmate walking along the road. My son said, he's soooo mean. He's just pushy and aggressive. I said, "Be kind. You don't know why he is like that. Maybe his parents tell him he's a piece of shit." Yup, that's what I said.

About 10 hours later, I was driving my 13 year old son to basketball practice and he said "Daddy's mom told him he was a piece of shit, right?" I said, "Maybe, if she didn't say it exactly, she certainly made him feel that way." And then he asked me if that treatment produced "What happened two years ago" - to which I responded, "Yes, I think so" And he said "Daddy's mom told him he wasn't worth anything - so then he believed it. Does Daddy know he's not a piece of shit?" And I said, "I don't know. I only know that he's worth it and he loves us."

Last night, my husband came home from work. He and my son were walking upstairs together and I overheard my son say to him "Dad? You know you deserve to be happy and have good things right?"

My point is... YOU GET TO OWN THIS STORY. You can help your son process it in a way that is healthy, and loving and supportive. You are not a monster to him, so you don't have to project that. You are his dad and you love him and you can do this. Do it without details or with details - but open yourself to him and he might blow your mind.

Esposa (the ever optimist)

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#453795 - 11/15/13 02:34 PM Re: Oh SH**! [Re: Still]
Still Offline
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MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6317
Loc: 2 NATO Nations
He's never met the child. He only knows the adult. I'm just not sure I want him to have the mental imagery of his father being "done."

Its not like someone shot at me with a 22. Its not like I was being force-fed alcohol. CSA has really bad visual/mental imagery associated with it.

He does know I'm heavily occupied with CSA activism, and never says a word...never asks a question.

This sucks. Sucks all around.
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#453797 - 11/15/13 02:43 PM Re: Oh SH**! [Re: Still]
newground Offline
Chatroom Moderator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 10/11/11
Posts: 645
Loc: michigan
hey bud
I know it doesn't feel this way, but this is an opportunity to grow close to your son. there is NO need to share details. no reason to tell anything really beyond what he already knows. But if you can find it in yourself to be open with him you can grow closer through this. I am speaking from my experiences with my own kids. once we were able to have a more direct communication (they still don't know everything and may never) I found out how frustrated they had been. They knew all along that I had something there,they just didn't know what it was. It was in many ways freeing for us all. The most important thing is to just let him take the lead. just bring up the book and say that you noticed him reading it and let the convo go at his pace. I know you can do this man.
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Towards thee I roll, thou all-destroying but unconquering whale; to the last I grapple with thee; from hell's heart I stab at thee; for hate's sake I spit my last breath at thee. let me then tow to pieces, while still chasing thee, thou damned whale! Thus, I give up the spear!"
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#453803 - 11/15/13 03:10 PM Re: Oh SH**! [Re: Still]
SoccerStar Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/15/12
Posts: 915
Loc: New York
It doesn't have to involve being "done," to his ears.

As Churchill advised FDR when they both knew they had no choice but to disclose the existence of the atom bomb to their then-ally Stalin: "Tell him the great fact, but none of the particulars."


"I had a lousy violent childhood and part of that involved being sexually abused. Books by other survivors are very helpful to me in coping with it - but not as helpful as doing everything I can to make sure I always know that you and your siblings have it better than I did and are safer than I was."

Aaaand -- SCENE.


Matt
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My story

"Don't think it hasn't been a little slice of heaven just because it hasn't!" --Bugs Bunny

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#453817 - 11/15/13 04:17 PM Re: Oh SH**! [Re: Still]
JustScott Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/27/08
Posts: 2569
I agree with Esposa, this is a teaching moment. Or will be in a week or so here.

He knows this stuff goes on, and surely has put 2 and 2 together.

Details aren't necessary. We fathers want to be "strong" for our sons and so we often feel the need to hide that things we perceive as "weak" about ourselves. As fathers we have opportunities to teach and show our sons and daughters that it is ok to show emotions other than anger and happiness. In letting them know that it's ok to show other feelings, we also at the same time get to show them how to handle them.

Don't get rid of your book. What does that accomplish? It won't make the fact that he saw it go away. It won't undo it.

Another question, how do you know he hasn't seen that 700 Club piece from years ago? Your son loves you and nothing will change that.

Recently my son said something that leads me to believe that he thinks I only show emotions when I've had a bit too much to drink.... I know I need to talk to him about that, but fear and awkwardness has kept me from it.

I think I need to fix that and should talk about other things too.

Seize the Day. Maybe don't wait a week if you don't have to. Take him out for a snack or something and just talk. You can do this man, you have been through FAR FAR tougher things than this. Really, you have!

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#453819 - 11/15/13 04:41 PM Re: Oh SH**! [Re: Still]
George Offline
Member

Registered: 01/29/01
Posts: 107
Loc: NY metro
If he already knows that you are a csa activist, him just reading the title aloud probably didn't trigger any further curiosity. But even if it did, I would just be matter of fact with no details, they don't need to carry any burden knowing it. That's how I figured I'd handle it if my kids found out or needed to know for some reason. Even my wife doesn't need to know details.

I was just thinking of this same situation only a month ago, knowing that I have old papers & books in my dresser & in my office, my private areas... but it could be stumbled upon. I think I'm gonna move all that stuff to my safe.

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#453832 - 11/15/13 06:35 PM Re: Oh SH**! [Re: SoccerStar]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6317
Loc: 2 NATO Nations
Originally Posted By: SoccerStar
It doesn't have to involve being "done," to his ears.

As Churchill advised FDR when they both knew they had no choice but to disclose the existence of the atom bomb to their then-ally Stalin: "Tell him the great fact, but none of the particulars."


"I had a lousy violent childhood and part of that involved being sexually abused. Books by other survivors are very helpful to me in coping with it - but not as helpful as doing everything I can to make sure I always know that you and your siblings have it better than I did and are safer than I was."

Aaaand -- SCENE.


Matt


Great take people! Let's kill those generators and all meet at The Capital Grill for dinner!
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