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#453685 - 11/14/13 08:59 PM Oh SH**!
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6317
Loc: 2 NATO Nations
I've been waiting to post this to see if it goes away. Its not going away. Its not changing. I hate to be graphic, but it's permanence is like one of the graphic things that happened. Once you've been [graphic (ed)], you can't undo it. mad mad

Well. My son was cleaning-up my bedroom without my knowledge. He was re-shelving books. He read aloud the title of each book as he set them on the shelf. I heard him read "Victims no Longer, the...blah blah by Mike Lew."

He's certainly heard a lot around town about me just being "plain old dangerous," but....i don't know. I'm at a loss.

I spent 35 years not talking about it. I'm falling right into that same exact freakin mode all over again. By why should I be robbed of my dignity in my son's eyes. mad mad mad

He just turned 15 this week and lives with his mother and my 12-yo princess in this town.

This needs to just go away, ya know?
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#453689 - 11/14/13 09:53 PM Re: Oh SH**! [Re: Still]
Esposa Offline
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MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 636
Loc: NJ
I am sorry it went down this way.

Please don't run from it though. It will be okay. For your son, how you handle it will set the tone for how he processes it, in my opinion.

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#453694 - 11/14/13 10:25 PM Re: Oh SH**! [Re: Still]
SoccerStar Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/15/12
Posts: 915
Loc: New York
^What she said.

You have always depicted your relationship with your children as being good, and as close as you can manage given your circumstances. 15 is not 5. I think if you give him a clinical, single-sentence statement.... bloodless and undetailed.... he would understand. He would probably be horrified to learn that someone ever hurt you. Angry for your sake... concerned. You could use it as a segue into an equally brief explanation of its impact on your marriage.

Easy for me to say, I know. But the cat's out of the bag, this IS happening, and you're much better off shaping the story in your own words than letting Amazon.com and neighborhood scuttlebutt partially and misleadingly shape it instead.


Matt
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"Don't think it hasn't been a little slice of heaven just because it hasn't!" --Bugs Bunny

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#453706 - 11/14/13 11:54 PM Re: Oh SH**! [Re: Still]
Still Offline
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MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6317
Loc: 2 NATO Nations
can't I just get a spinal tap instead?
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#453710 - 11/15/13 12:02 AM Re: Oh SH**! [Re: Still]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6317
Loc: 2 NATO Nations
I made this video for him for his 15th b-day.

I'll leave it on for a day.

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#453771 - 11/15/13 12:30 PM Re: Oh SH**! [Re: Still]
HD001 Online   content


Registered: 07/30/12
Posts: 205
Loc: IDAHO
Still
Yeah sounds like an uncomfortable situation. Also not the way you would have wanted your son to find out.
But what's done is done. You should talk to him about it.
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#453784 - 11/15/13 01:16 PM Re: Oh SH**! [Re: Still]
JustScott Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/27/08
Posts: 2568
My son is 13. He was 12 when he found out about what happened to me. He and I haven't EVER talked about it. My wife told him while I was away on a business trip.

I don't remember really why she told him. I do remember asking her how he replied and it was something alone the lines of, I don't want to know that.

I'd ask him about what he thought about the books he was putting away. Chances are, he already knows (someone might have already told him) and perhaps his reading the books out loud was an attempt to say he wanted to talk about it.


Edited by JustScott (11/15/13 01:17 PM)

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#453786 - 11/15/13 01:28 PM Re: Oh SH**! [Re: Still]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6317
Loc: 2 NATO Nations
I just don't know.

I have a full week without them to think about it.

He knows my home-life was violent and difficult. He knows I was "abused badly and beaten-up by a pack of older boy in the neighborhood for years (the perps)."

Id rather it end there. The book will be gone by the end of the day.
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#453791 - 11/15/13 02:14 PM Re: Oh SH**! [Re: Still]
don64 Online   content
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/13
Posts: 358
Loc: St. Croix, USVI
Hi Still,

I get how upsetting this is to you. You are, in some way, experiencing being abused again. This is all yours. You have a week to process it. The fact remains, however, that your son did discover the book, and he did read the title aloud. I don't generally feel it is healthy to obscure truth. I feel if we obscure truth we seriously interfere with our ability to learn. So far, you words are suggesting you are ashamed of your experiences. Is shame what you really want to teach your son? Is secrecy really what you want to teach your son? You son will always learn from YOU. YOU means he will always learn from how you handle yourself in all situations. This may be very difficult for you, but you have a week to process. It seems to me that this can be very important for both you and your son. I send you and your family lots of love. Don

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#453794 - 11/15/13 02:29 PM Re: Oh SH**! [Re: Still]
Esposa Offline
F&F Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 636
Loc: NJ
Still.... I encourage you to face this one head on. He doesn't need details, but he needs TRUST - and that is two ways, you trusting him and him trusting you. The unspoken for a child is painful. I know you are scared and hurting, but he might surprise you.

My kids don't know details. They are 10 and 13. But they know that daddy had a bad childhood and that his mother was not loving toward him - and that he was hurt. They also saw all the collateral damage. And they saw that very same book.

Yesterday, I was driving them to school and they saw a classmate walking along the road. My son said, he's soooo mean. He's just pushy and aggressive. I said, "Be kind. You don't know why he is like that. Maybe his parents tell him he's a piece of shit." Yup, that's what I said.

About 10 hours later, I was driving my 13 year old son to basketball practice and he said "Daddy's mom told him he was a piece of shit, right?" I said, "Maybe, if she didn't say it exactly, she certainly made him feel that way." And then he asked me if that treatment produced "What happened two years ago" - to which I responded, "Yes, I think so" And he said "Daddy's mom told him he wasn't worth anything - so then he believed it. Does Daddy know he's not a piece of shit?" And I said, "I don't know. I only know that he's worth it and he loves us."

Last night, my husband came home from work. He and my son were walking upstairs together and I overheard my son say to him "Dad? You know you deserve to be happy and have good things right?"

My point is... YOU GET TO OWN THIS STORY. You can help your son process it in a way that is healthy, and loving and supportive. You are not a monster to him, so you don't have to project that. You are his dad and you love him and you can do this. Do it without details or with details - but open yourself to him and he might blow your mind.

Esposa (the ever optimist)

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