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#453621 - 11/14/13 12:25 PM Triggers during sex, what do you do??
lucylives Offline


Registered: 04/07/11
Posts: 360
Hello all,

I know triggers, intrusive thoughts and flashbacks are all common for survivors.

If you have these, what do you do to keep it from ruining sex and intimacy for you.
I believe the only way through them is to acknowledge them with your partner, let them happen and then move on.

What else?

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#453679 - 11/14/13 08:32 PM Re: Triggers during sex, what do you do?? [Re: lucylives]
On The Fringe Offline


Registered: 09/21/13
Posts: 326
Loc: Southeast USA
This sounds weird, but all this crap is weird.

If the physical positioning is similar to the CSA experience, that used to occasionally stir up an image. Sometimes I would just look at my wife. Look at what I was doing, focus on her.

It is also helpful to just make it fun. I am 53. And yes we go to the party store and get her an outfit sometimes. It is new and different. It is a new scene without old memories.

I also have really just tried to focus on learning her. It is just devastating to a guys ego to discuss his CSA for me and many others here. Not sexy. But learning how to really please my wife makes me feel good as a man.

Smell matters. The sense of smell is strong in association. I like the smell of her. I focus on her. Very sandbox thinking but if I am focused on the V it makes it easier. I have had 3 or 4 incidents of memories in the last year. As I remember we changed positions or kissed a while. It did cause me to get off track for a bit. But we worked it out in the end.

No big deal. I think all guys have occasional issues. Anything remotely involving anal focus is bad. I know that is bad for me and don't go there.
_________________________
I feel more like I do now than I did when I got here.

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#453719 - 11/15/13 03:24 AM Re: Triggers during sex, what do you do?? [Re: lucylives]
HopeDiesLast Offline


Registered: 01/15/13
Posts: 62
If I notice he gets triggered I usually just gently say "hi, it's me, HopeDiesLast, I'm your wife." and that will snap him out of the past and into the present.

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#453720 - 11/15/13 03:39 AM Re: Triggers during sex, what do you do?? [Re: lucylives]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6867
Loc: USA
That is proof number one of why sexual abuse of kids is bad.

It messes up their sex life with their wife later.

The wife and the guy have to over learn how to make each other happy. This is both in knowing how to touch each other and learning how to turn on each other with words beforehand.

Puffer


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#453726 - 11/15/13 05:34 AM Re: Triggers during sex, what do you do?? [Re: pufferfish]
HopeDiesLast Offline


Registered: 01/15/13
Posts: 62
Originally Posted By: pufferfish
This is both in knowing how to touch each other and learning how to turn on each other with words beforehand.

That second part seems almost harder to learn than the first sometimes.

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#453792 - 11/15/13 02:20 PM Re: Triggers during sex, what do you do?? [Re: HopeDiesLast]
christie1013 Offline


Registered: 11/06/13
Posts: 31
I dont want to intrude on Lucylives post, but since we are talking about sex, i would like to know if any of the men out there ever felt like they looked at wife/partner "differently" (actually like an aunt or cousin i was told) after they disclosed. Because that's what i was told and it ruined our sex life and our relationship.

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#453804 - 11/15/13 03:10 PM Re: Triggers during sex, what do you do?? [Re: HopeDiesLast]
Lenny Offline


Registered: 07/19/13
Posts: 20
Loc: Kansas
Your approach HopeDiesLast is healthy and respectful of your husband. Be honored that you are considerate of him and his challenges.
_________________________
No one can make you feel inferior without your permission
Don't take anything personally
It's not the event, it's the meaning applied to it

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#453806 - 11/15/13 03:12 PM Re: Triggers during sex, what do you do?? [Re: lucylives]
Lenny Offline


Registered: 07/19/13
Posts: 20
Loc: Kansas
Lucy, the best way to work out a resolution and to be supportive is to acknowledge, let it pass and move on. Giving it any importance allows it to have more of an impact and it will stick around. Don't let it take his power.
_________________________
No one can make you feel inferior without your permission
Don't take anything personally
It's not the event, it's the meaning applied to it

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#453824 - 11/15/13 05:24 PM Re: Triggers during sex, what do you do?? [Re: lucylives]
lucylives Offline


Registered: 04/07/11
Posts: 360
Thanks for all the responses. What we have been doing is what you said Lenny but he doesn't always want to acknowledge them which just takes him into a huge downward spiral.

I really don't know anyway but to face it head on like that. Thanks for the suggestions. Keep em coming please.

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#453829 - 11/15/13 06:06 PM Re: Triggers during sex, what do you do?? [Re: lucylives]
overwhelmed1975 Offline


Registered: 09/23/13
Posts: 25
Thanks for posting Lucy. I have had questions about sex before, but was a little intimidated to ask.

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