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#453437 - 11/12/13 10:11 PM Confused by today's session
ThisMan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/22/13
Posts: 767
Loc: upper south
This post won't stand long, because its too odd for me to once again feel this vulnerable. So I guarantee I will DELETE. But I need a few viewpoints to help me sort out what I am feeling. And its not so good. If you could send me a pm, I promise to read it, to read them all, and to not drag you into a long dialogue. I just want to know what your honest-respectful- opinion is of today's session. It's long and confusing for sure, but its the best I could do.

Today's session....
I knew something big was to come after my first name was used twice during the first couple of minutes of the session. It is never done, and of course I know the "bonding" technique meant to defuse any situation. I was a teacher, for God's sake. And I was right...LOL.

I'm gonna do a list of the big ideas to streamline my thoughts. I know I left out tons, but this is the jest.

1. It was pointed out again that I am pretty much emotionless when talking about the abuses....I am. I am a middle aged American male. We are taught not to cry. And other reasons as well.

2. He asks me for details of the adult abuse...as in what do I remember. I tell him. I even tear up and a few tears run down my face. I think that is called crying.
The emotion stopped real quickly.

Him: Did you ENJOY it? (meaning the assault that afternoon).
Me: Please explain"
Him: Did you become excited"
Me: Yes", I do remember an erection, even in my drugged state
Him: What do you make of that?
Me: I give the body's physiological response explanation.

He listens, then includes the theory that the abuse victim can also receive pleasure from the assault. Naturally any emotion stops and the wall goes up.

3. He did mention trying to forgive myself. Which lead to a decent short conversation of the abusive relationship and I stated I just had a fantasy that I might once again be LOVED and it turned out that wasn't the case. My word (love), my fantasy, my abusive relationship.

The T then goes into "transference of emotions and behavior" and has a need to know how I feel about this relationship... meaning his and mine. He wants an explanation again for why I chose him, since he is male.

He even asks if I have a fantasy of him and me? Seriously? I am so caught off guard I have to ask him detailed questions like... you mean sexually... NO... socially... NO.

Again, I breezed thru the female therapists I have used, how I felt degraded by the sexists comments, how I felt unsafe because of the death threat in my city, how I needed to be totally anonymous and how I went on line and researched and tried to find a safe place with a male therapist. And how it was worth a 90 minute drive to feel differently. And I reminded him that it was HIS AD. Not mine, but his.. placed on line for new clients.

Him: How do you think this relationship will end?... meaning the therapist/patient relationship.
Me: One day I will come in, and then tomorrow there will be no more relationship.

I understand professionally where he is coming from and that he has both my own and his interests to be concerned about. I will return, but of course we will need to sort out some of the questioning so that I am clear on what the goal was.

I am confused on the part that if the body reacts in a drugged stupor that maybe he, and other Ts, may not take seriously being raped as an assault. I know it. Others here have spoken of it. The literature screams it. The body reacts! It doesn't mean there was pleasure. Not for kids, not for adults.

I can say for certain after dealing with the three Ts I have visited in the past year the following summation. Rare will it be for an adult male survivor of either CSA and definitely ASA to find a therapist versed in the healing qualities necessary to adequately set a consistent path for survivor healing. It seems the major healing I have done has been through my own studies and my sharing and reading and responding with other survivors on MS.

And the adult male survivor, in my experience will face three main obstacles brought about by preconceived ideas from the professional T.
1. do you (the survivor) have predatory behavior? (referring now to children or others in society). Never in a gazillion years would they ask or infer regarding a female survivor anything related to this
2. you will to some degree have your "masculinity" brought into question... you will be feminized- which can be devastating for the male survivor.
3. do you (the survivor) have predatory behavior? (referring now to the therapist-male or female.) I haven't a clue how a female patient might be viewed, but a tall, middle aged guy is certainly suspect.


Edited by ThisMan (11/12/13 10:15 PM)
_________________________
For now we see through a glass, darkly.



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#453445 - 11/12/13 10:51 PM Re: Confused by today's session [Re: ThisMan]
SoccerStar Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/15/12
Posts: 915
Loc: New York
Jeez, TM, you are really striking out in the shrink department. You're doing everything right - constantly trying to face up to / work through the pain - and you keep finding blurty, giggly, trivializing weirdos.

"Enjoyed" is shocking to hear in this context. It should not be a lead-off word. Any professional worth a shit should have said "aroused" instead. You said last time that he'd made an off-putting comment about your "homosexual behavior" too. How long have you even been working with him - like 3 months? Seems awful quick for him to be talking endgame plans. Is he gay-panicking?

I'll say this: both of the male therapists I've had were mistakes. They were very judgmental and their facial expressions / body language showed clear discomfort whenever I brought up my bisexuality. A female T, on learning I'd had male T's, expressed surprise because I was the first man in her experience to have done so. I still have a male psychiatrist for my prescriptions, and he has done some things I find inappropriate - but I can tolerate him for a half-hour every six weeks.


Matt
_________________________
My story

"Don't think it hasn't been a little slice of heaven just because it hasn't!" --Bugs Bunny

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#453451 - 11/12/13 11:50 PM Re: Confused by today's session [Re: ThisMan]
concerned_husky Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/29/12
Posts: 585
ThisMan,

I sat here in front of the computer screen with my mouth agape for a good few minutes after reading about your T session. "Enjoy?" "Excited?" "Pleasure?" I agree with Matt in that it's shocking to hear that those words came out from the mouth of a therapist in describing your abuse. Just shocking. Maybe, just maybe, his whole insensitivity with the issue is part of the reason why you're "emotionless" about the abuse - in a context such as this where you're facing judgment and really trivializing and invalidating framing of the abuse, it's small wonder that you're not expressing emotion and that, as you said, your wall's gone up. I honestly hope you find a better therapist...I still can't believe that the kind of things he's said to you have come from a supposedly trained professional.
_________________________
Husky

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#453515 - 11/13/13 03:20 PM Re: Confused by today's session [Re: ThisMan]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3363
Loc: somewhere in Africa
b -

i do not want to tell you what you should think or feel or do.

but i do know we have some things in common.

this is just what *i* believe i would think and feel and do:

i would seriously question whether this was the right T for me.

i would be very uncomfortable with (maybe even disturbed by) what had been said by him. psych 101 - as i understand it - says that the T should not put words into the client's mouth. not "Did you feel X?" but "What did you feel?" and if the client's words need clarification - "Am i correct in sensing that you felt X?"

i would probably discuss the reasons for my doubts about his objectivity and competence with him and then decide whether to continue seeing him or look elsewhere. or i might just cancel the next appointment if i found his treatment too triggering.

but that is just *ME*

LEE
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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#453521 - 11/13/13 05:11 PM ! [Re: ThisMan]
Smalltown80sBoy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/25/12
Posts: 2217
!


Edited by Smalltown80sBoy (02/28/14 10:31 PM)

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#453538 - 11/13/13 07:35 PM Re: Confused by today's session [Re: ThisMan]
don64 Online   content
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/13
Posts: 667
Loc: St. Croix, USVI
ThisMan I am so sorry you are having to go through this with someone you have reached out to for help. The first thing that comes to my mind is that the only way to develop self respect is to respect yourself. There is nothing in your descriptions that suggest this therapist is ABLE to respect you at this time. In fact, it sounds like he is in a full blown panic attack.

One the one hand it doesn't matter what his issues are, you are paying him to be the professional he has advertised himself to be. On the other hand, it sounds like his issues, at this time, are interfering with his ability to be sensitive to you.

The other thing that is occurring to me is that you are going a great distance from where you live because you are afraid of anyone locally finding out. And, it sounds like you are drawing fearful situations to yourself. I have had a lot of therapy over the years, and have never selected a therapist from an ad. This sounds like a recipe for disaster to me. You are worth a lot more than an impersonal, fearful selection process for something as personal and important as someone to help you with your SA issues. I say the first thing you have to do is to take yourself a lot more seriously. You need someone who is an expert with SA issues. And that someone needs to be referred to YOU through some kind of process that you have a reason to trust.

I am sending you a lot of love, ThisMan. It sounds like your SA issues are playing out in your selection process of therapists.

Don
_________________________
Divine Law is not judgment or denial of self truths. Divine Law is honoring harmony that comes from a peaceful mind, an open heart, a true tongue, a light step, a forgiving nature, and a love of all living creatures. Jamie Sams & David Carson, Medicine Cards

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#453540 - 11/13/13 07:53 PM Re: Confused by today's session [Re: ThisMan]
Castle Offline


Registered: 10/03/09
Posts: 727
Loc: NJ
I think he has read, Dr Richard Gartners books.

I'm not quick to write off therapists, especially ones who work with boundries.

While seeing T, I was also asked what I thought of our " relationship" and how I could use that to understand other relationships from my past and present.

Transference between a T and thier client is a big deal... seems he knows this and is trying to see your thoughts on the " relationship".

Maybe he is, in fact trying to keep the SA issues OUT of the sessions
IDK, I seem the minority, but never base my opinions on what other say.
_________________________

My posts can self destruct at any time..read them while you can.

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#453592 - 11/14/13 01:28 AM Re: Confused by today's session [Re: ThisMan]
Jude Online   content


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1509
Loc: New England
I don't know where this guy was coming from with the things he said to you, But I know that I would not go back to him.

In fact I probably would have walked out right after the question "Did you enjoy it?" What an asshole.
_________________________
"I get up, and nothing gets me down.
You got it tough. I've seen the toughest around.
And I know, baby, just how you feel.
You've got to roll with the punches to get to what's real"
Van Halen

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#454376 - 11/18/13 11:54 PM Re: Confused by today's session [Re: ThisMan]
ThisMan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/22/13
Posts: 767
Loc: upper south
Ha! I didn't delete the posting. That is major progress.

But I am really concerned about the session tomorrow. I have to go to it because I have a need to reclaim my rightful role in the process. And that role is one of not being the victim, but being the survivor who has a plan and who has control.

I want to express myself wisely and honestly. I don't want to be the one who carries the negativity around his neck like a weighted ball. I want tomorrow to be the last session I have for a while, maybe forever. So it is perhaps the most important one I have ever had.

Being a non confrontational person always wishing to avoid hurting someone's feelings, I am afraid the dominant personality will emerge… and if that Bill comes out it is like a dragon slayer has entered the premises. Cold, calculating, and direct. But I never raise my voice. I really dislike that side of my personality.

All I need are some good thoughts for wisdom and strength of spirit. And I know I have them so I thank you in advance.
_________________________
For now we see through a glass, darkly.



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#454452 - 11/19/13 02:06 PM Re: Confused by today's session [Re: ThisMan]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3363
Loc: somewhere in Africa
hey, This Man -

you are a good man who is merely trying to heal. you know who you are - and can try to present the best version of yourself - regardless of the T's fumblings and failings. just try to tell the truth. you don't need to apologize or justify or defend yourself or attack or define him. you are not responsible for his feelings or reaction. firmly and clearly tell him how you feel and move on. it may only take 5 minutes - but will be worth the cost of the whole session - to take back your self-respect and sense of direction and self-determination!

and congrats on not deleting!
LEE
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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