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#453497 - 11/13/13 01:18 PM Words that are important to hear - for a survivor
Kellz Offline


Registered: 11/12/13
Posts: 1
My boyfriend who i love so dearly is a survivor of physical abuse by family members
And has little support from the rest of his family (has been shunned at times, accused of lying etc)

We have been together a little over two years and talked in depth about his childhood, he has many insecurities and a lot of Shame, I try my best to be there for him, be supportive and also give him the space he needs.

I wanted to know from some other survivors some nice things that I could say that would be comforting or just nice to hear..

I want him to know that I'm not ashamed of him and I'm proud of the man he is today and that his kind heart is nothing less than heroic.

Any suggestions or comforting words would be appreciated

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#453533 - 11/13/13 06:46 PM Re: Words that are important to hear - for a survivor [Re: Kellz]
Jacob S Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/01/13
Posts: 550
It sounds like you are on the right path. Tell him its not his fault, that you understand he is strong, that he is brave to work through this. Never say anything you don't mean though -- authenticity can make all the difference between real support and trite platitudes.

While not specifically directed at male survivors, there is some good stuff on this page http://www.pandys.org/articles/tipsforfriends.html


Edited by Jacob S (11/13/13 06:48 PM)
_________________________
"As long as the child within is not allowed to become aware of what happened to him or her, a part of his or her emotional life will remain frozen . . . all appeals to love, solidarity, and compassion will be useless."
-- Alice Miller

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#453645 - 11/14/13 03:43 PM Re: Words that are important to hear - for a survivor [Re: Kellz]
sugarbaby Offline


Registered: 08/17/08
Posts: 306
Quote:
I want him to know that I'm not ashamed of him and I'm proud of the man he is today and that his kind heart is nothing less than heroic.


That sounds like a great thing to tell him! Word for word!

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#453731 - 11/15/13 06:23 AM Re: Words that are important to hear - for a survivor [Re: Kellz]
On The Fringe Offline


Registered: 09/21/13
Posts: 273
Loc: Southeast USA
Just treat him like he is not defective. I say that in a nice way, not sarcasm. I know some wrong stuff happened to me. I rarely ever think of it. I have been married now going on 20 years.

My wife knows in a generic way of a variety of abuses in my childhood. Once in a while I will reflect on it. Usually laying in bed at night at the end of the day. Not associated with intimacy, just laying there. Remember something, violent or sexual. She will rub my back and just snuggle up a bit.

It passes. Sometimes I mourn the death of a part of my innocence. It happens.

Sticking together and loving is like the cement foundation a strong house stands on. You never see it, it just keeps it all together.

It sounds like you are doing a wonderful job now.

I stayed away from toxic family relationships. Early on she did not understand the impact of those people. We had a few talks about why. We worked it out.

Best wishes on the relationship!
_________________________
I feel more like I do now than I did when I got here.

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