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#453444 - 11/12/13 10:46 PM I screwed up
blockade Offline


Registered: 11/10/13
Posts: 16
Hi, I'm new here and apologies this might be triggering for most people.
I haven't been able to sleep for the last while now as a result of the memories that have came to the forefront of my mind. They are all I can think about.
I was abused when young, rubbing genitals through clothes and kissing. But the real sucker punch for me is that I repeated these actions on my much younger brother when about 13\14. I hate myself so much for it. I really want to apologize and make the world as right for him as it can possibly be in this situation.. tell him to put all the blame on me, know I was sick in the head then, not to feel a victim etc
However I still think he has repressed the memories (just as I had done) so I don't really want to also bring the the forefront of his thoughts out of the blue as I don't think that's fair either.
I'm so lost atm, I'd really appreciate your advice on how best to approach this situation?


Edited by blockade (11/12/13 10:50 PM)
Edit Reason: Sorry I posted this in the wrong place, wouldn't allow me to delete it

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#453446 - 11/12/13 11:05 PM Re: I screwed up [Re: blockade]
SamV Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5942
Loc: Talladega, Alabama, USA
Hello blockade, welcome to MaleSurvivor. This is a good introduction and it is in the correct place. Our site is about healing the survivor, you are the victim of abuse. In time you will learn how to come to understand the abuse perpetrated against you as well as how to best interact with anyone you have mimicked the abuse with as a minor.

Please use the Male Survivor forum to begin to tell your story. Thank you for your honesty and courage to heal.

Sam
_________________________
MaleSurvivor Moderator Emeritus 2012 - 2014

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#453447 - 11/12/13 11:05 PM Re: I screwed up [Re: blockade]
Jacob S Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/01/13
Posts: 592
You were a kid trying your best to work through your pain and confusion. Don't hate yourself. You made a mistake but that isn't who you are. It's not your fault. Both you and your brother are the victims of the one who abused you.

I agree with you that it might not be a good idea to force him to remember things he's not ready to. He needs to be able to be in charge of his own recovery. How you approach it has a lot to do with how much younger he is. How old was he at the time? How old is he now? I'd make sure he knows you are there for him if he wants you to be. At the same time, if/when he does start remembering the healthiest thing for him might be to have some distance from you, just so he has breathing room to work through it all. Be sensitive to being as close or as distant as it seems he wants. Show him through your actions that you'd neither abandon him nor try to be closer than he wants.

This was brave of you to share. It isn't easy.
_________________________
Like a spent gladiator
crawling in the colosseum dust
who can count on his remaining limbs
all the people he can trust.
Like the one who stands behind him
cheering him on
Estatic when he stands defiant,
wild with abandon when he's gone

just stay alive.
do whatever you need to.
you are worth it.

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#453517 - 11/13/13 03:46 PM Re: I screwed up [Re: blockade]
nomorevic Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/19/12
Posts: 40
Loc: North Carolina
Hello blockade.

I applaud you for taking responsibility for your actions and your willingness to right the wrong. As mentioned previously, you too are a victim and were only a child yourself when you acted out. As you seek to make things right with your brother, please be willing to forgive yourself. Your willingness to speak the truth show you are an incredibly brave and honest man. You will find great support here at Male Survivor.

Kindly,
_________________________
NMV

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#453524 - 11/13/13 05:30 PM Re: I screwed up [Re: blockade]
blockade Offline


Registered: 11/10/13
Posts: 16
Thank you for the support guys; none of us want to be in this situation and the easiest option I found was to bury the thoughts away but really they are just dormant, growing over time. It is quite therapeutic just even writing them.
I want to be open with my brother as much as he wants to be with me.. I'd do anything he wished of me, stay away, talk about it etc. It's just breaking that initial ground, as I said I don't want to bring it up outta the blue for him but at the same time the guilt is eating me up. He was 6/7 now 18.
Appreciate you taking the time to sincerely respond btw

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#453537 - 11/13/13 07:25 PM Re: I screwed up [Re: blockade]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 3121
Loc: O Kanada
i did the same thing, to my own eternal shame.
before i really understood what was going on with me,
i had already passed on some of the abuse.
i don't feel qualified to offer advice on how to approach your brother.

i think sharing here is a good place to start working this our for yourself.
only you know what is best for your own situation.
i believe you are moving in the right direction already by confronting it head on, openly and honestly in a safe environment (here).
welcome to ms.org.
i hope this website helps you sort it out.
_________________________
Victor|Victim

War
Love
Poetry

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#453562 - 11/13/13 09:54 PM Re: I screwed up [Re: blockade]
Castle Offline


Registered: 10/03/09
Posts: 727
Loc: NJ
best to approach this situation with competent T, as your guide... for both yours and his sake and well-being.
_________________________

My posts can self destruct at any time..read them while you can.

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#453618 - 11/14/13 12:15 PM Re: I screwed up [Re: blockade]
George Offline
Member

Registered: 01/29/01
Posts: 120
Loc: NY metro
Same boat here, Back when the s/a was going on from 8-12, my younger brother & I did stuff normal kids wouldn't do in ordinary exploration when I was 10 & he was 8. A "friend" my age & I did stuff from 11 on into early adulthood. In 1999, when I realized all the happened to me, what it meant & why... I too became ashamed of what I brought into my brothers & friend's lives. It took a little while to work up the nerve to bring it up to my brother & friend. My brother I did face to face, told him everything about the s/a done by an uncle. My old friend was a different situation, by then I hadn't seen or heard anything of him in years and didn't know if he'd not want to see or hear from me. I knew where he still worked, so I hand delivered a letter to him telling all with apologies. When he saw me he was in a hurry, I handed him the letter and said "don't let anyone else read it" he took it and left. I later heard from him, he said that he was a willing participant in all of it, that he was sorry for all I've been through, that he was ok, no hard feelings, etc. My Brother said the same things. Yeah it was nice to hear that they didn't feel victimized by me, but I know that had they "explored" with anyone else who wasn't being abused, things wouldn't went as far as they went. I do feel bad about that, but we were kids ourselves, the ultimate fault is our abusers not ours, as Jacob S said.

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#453933 - 11/16/13 03:42 AM Re: I screwed up [Re: blockade]
blockade Offline


Registered: 11/10/13
Posts: 16
I guess I'll just have to wait until he approaches me about it then as that's the fairest thing I can think to do really. I'll just have to get on with things until then, though I'm being eaten up by guilt. Sorry I'm slow to post on here but I find I be down for sometime afterwards, so it takes me a little while to do so

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#453967 - 11/16/13 10:47 AM Re: I screwed up [Re: blockade]
don64 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/13
Posts: 601
Loc: St. Croix, USVI
Hi blockade,

You are going through a rough time and I send you all the support I can through this keypad. You were a child when this all happened blockade. To heap the guilt and blame and shame you are heaping on yourself does not belong there. Again, YOU WERE A CHILD. Whether abusive effects passed on to your brother or not, it is not your fault. Children are not responsible for themselves. The way it's supposed to work is children need healthy adults supervising them in order to grow into a healthy adult. I do not see very much of that in the world, period. It is certainly absent in many of our lives. To absorb adult responsibilities for yourself as a child is not right.

Yes, it is normal to feel sadness and regret for things done when at a younger and less mature place. But, pain seems to be a part of growing. This is about you at this point. This is not about your brother right now. I hope you can let go of this hyper-concern for your brother and shift ALL that energy to yourself. You are the one who needs the attention right now. It is you as your child self who is freaked out right now and it is you as your child self who needs the care and support right now.

When and/or if your brother needs your help, you know you will be there for him.

Just my opinion.

Don
_________________________
Divine Law is not judgment or denial of self truths. Divine Law is honoring harmony that comes from a peaceful mind, an open heart, a true tongue, a light step, a forgiving nature, and a love of all living creatures. Jamie Sams & David Carson, Medicine Cards

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#454101 - 11/17/13 01:41 AM Re: I screwed up [Re: blockade]
blockade Offline


Registered: 11/10/13
Posts: 16
Thank you Don, I really appreciate your words. They have had a positive effect on my train of thought, so thank you.
I will be there for my brother of course but to see him carry some effects of CSA is the hardest thing in the world for me to see.

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#464444 - 04/22/14 11:14 PM Re: I screwed up [Re: blockade]
Castle Offline


Registered: 10/03/09
Posts: 727
Loc: NJ
Do you find your brother struggling in life? Relationships?
_________________________

My posts can self destruct at any time..read them while you can.

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#464445 - 04/22/14 11:15 PM Re: I screwed up [Re: blockade]
Castle Offline


Registered: 10/03/09
Posts: 727
Loc: NJ
.

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#464562 - 04/25/14 01:41 PM Re: I screwed up [Re: blockade]
blockade Offline


Registered: 11/10/13
Posts: 16
He isn't very active socially.. to think I may have caused this is utterly devastating

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