Newest Members
JohnWC, KKumar, J44, Anura, reynel5
12420 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
MADcHATTER (54), Ready2MoveOn (44)
Who's Online
1 registered (Jacob S), 25 Guests and 6 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
12420 Members
74 Forums
63789 Topics
445456 Posts

Max Online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Topic Options
#453324 - 11/12/13 08:20 AM Final Step in Regaining Faith
KMCINVA Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 1714
Last night I faced the Church in the hope of bringing closure to the past. I had this need to participate in an old ritual that was commonplace in my childhood. Why I needed to do this, I cannot explain. I decided it was time for Confession or the Sacrament of Reconciliation as it is known today. I decided I would return to the University and the Jesuit community. Their hours are designed to serve the students—9:00 pm on Monday nights—almost passed my bedtime. We went and I was quite surprised at the number of students who were there when we arrived. I had thought this practice was long forgotten but more young people were practicing than I expected. I was still apprehensive as what and how I would ask for forgiveness. We sat and let the students go for the next hour or so. Finally only the two of us were left, my friend went. She was quick and now it was do or run.

I slowly entered and began to recite the old words Bless me Father for I have sinned, it has been years since my last confession. I was not there to ask for forgiveness from anyone or Being other than myself. I slowly spoke I was asking for forgiveness from myself for the years I have tormented myself for the abuse. He asked who was responsible for the abuse and I told him who it was. I believe his name will remain unspoken. He asked how long ago it happened and how was I doing. I gave him a brief summary of what happened so many years ago and how I held myself responsible for what happened and it was now time for me to forgive myself. I told him I have spoken with the parish and diocese and received validation of the abuse. He said it was not my fault and I should not hold myself responsible. He asked how my life has been. I told him good for many years but the last eight years have been difficult as the memories overtook my life. He said this happens too many survivors. He asked what brought the memories on. I did not want to go into details but said my life and living environment was not healthy and those I gave much brought them on. I talked about the dissociation and fugues and what I was told may have happened during those times. He asked if I was getting help and told him yes. He said that was good. I then concluded with these are my sins. He was silent and I asked for my penance (more out of habit). He told me it was not I who should being asking for forgiveness but rather the abuser and those that may have made life worse should be seeking forgiveness from me. He said it was his penance that he and other priests need to pray and help the children who were abused by priests. He told me the Church needs the forgiveness from those who suffered. I said are you sure because I had never left Confession without a penance? He laughed and said I had suffered enough. I left and began to walk out and my friend asked didn’t I need to say my prayers for penance. I said I had none and we laughed about this as we left.

For me it brings closure to my conflict with the Church. I have accepted the abuser will never apologize. I have all I need to move forward to reconnect with a faith. I accept it is people and not God that did and allowed the abuse to happen and it was people who brought the memories back and it was people who have supported and been there for me to heal. I am at peace and life is good. My nightmares and flashbacks have been infrequent and when they do happen I am not destroyed or lost.

Top
#453326 - 11/12/13 08:35 AM Re: Final Step in Regaining Faith [Re: KMCINVA]
don64 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/13
Posts: 731
Loc: St. Croix, USVI
I am happy for you KMCINVA. Resolution allows space for peacefulness--something we all need. Don
_________________________
Divine Law is not judgment or denial of self truths. Divine Law is honoring harmony that comes from a peaceful mind, an open heart, a true tongue, a light step, a forgiving nature, and a love of all living creatures. Jamie Sams & David Carson, Medicine Cards

Top
#453336 - 11/12/13 10:27 AM Re: Final Step in Regaining Faith [Re: KMCINVA]
Onesimus75 Offline


Registered: 08/22/13
Posts: 158
Loc: Minnesota
Awesome news! Thank you for sharing it with us!
pax vobiscum!
_________________________
We are not defined by our faults, or our wounds, but by the truth within us, which nothing can take away.

Top
#453431 - 11/12/13 09:12 PM Re: Final Step in Regaining Faith [Re: KMCINVA]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3450
Loc: somewhere in Africa
KMC -

i am not familiar with the traditions of your church - but i do know enough to recognize what an amazing deviation from the normal pattern this must be. i can only imagine how affirming and validating this must be for you. i am sure that it will promote healing in a big way. i celebrate with you!!!

miracles still happen!
LEE
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


Top
#453458 - 11/13/13 02:40 AM Re: Final Step in Regaining Faith [Re: KMCINVA]
tbkkfile Offline


Registered: 09/16/13
Posts: 229
Loc: Surrey, United Kingdom
I am so happy for you KMCINVA, your a light shining in my wilderness

Top
#453470 - 11/13/13 07:24 AM Re: Final Step in Regaining Faith [Re: KMCINVA]
don64 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/13
Posts: 731
Loc: St. Croix, USVI
Hi KMCINVA,

I feel any time a secret if uncovered, light shines in. Congrats. You had to walk through a lot of old stuff to do that. HOORAY FOR YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Don
_________________________
Divine Law is not judgment or denial of self truths. Divine Law is honoring harmony that comes from a peaceful mind, an open heart, a true tongue, a light step, a forgiving nature, and a love of all living creatures. Jamie Sams & David Carson, Medicine Cards

Top
#453476 - 11/13/13 08:35 AM Re: Final Step in Regaining Faith [Re: KMCINVA]
KMCINVA Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 1714
thank you for your kind words--they are always appreciated and the support is so important in healing.

Lee, Confession is a ritual (sacrament) that was extensively practiced in my youth at Catholic school. One speaks to the priest of their sins and infractions against others and asks for forgiveness. It cleanses the soul and clears the book of sins. It was in a confessional booth with a wall separating one from the priest. Their was a mesh window that was opened and closed by the priest. The priest is to be the human conduit to God. There is a script that is followed. For me, the need to Confess was to allow me and the child within me to forgive each other for what happened and how we lived and were separated because of the abuse. In therapy we are reconnecting and now I felt the need to Confess and ask each part to forgive each other--me for burying and disowning the child within and the child within for the need to be separate and connect with the abuser and the acts of the abuse. And to forgive the whole for what may have happened during the dissociation and fugues. It was more symbolic and with hope to reconnect with a faith that was important in my life. It has given me hope that the whole is intact.

The practice of Confession is not a prevalent or commonplace as in the past. For me the purpose was ingrained and to forgive the whole and the parts was healing. When I left I felt free of internal conflict and hurt.

Top


Moderator:  ModTeam, TJ jeff 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.