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#453217 - 11/11/13 10:25 AM If I Were Going to be Honest
SayItRight Offline

Registered: 10/06/13
Posts: 89

If I were going to be honest, in the moment, about how i'm feeling (all of which is usually really hard for me to do), right now, I'd say something like this:

I am tired. I feel sad, I feel completely alone. The good news in the last part is that, my head was not as "crazy" this past weekend as its been, in terms of memories, nightmares, etc. The bad news, or "other" news is that I feel all this instead. This isnt depression, for me, this is sad; for some reason the difference feels important.

Usually, when I have a feeling and I want to tell it to someone, I just kill it completely instead. Today, I dont want to do that (battle is tough even right now - I want to delete this already). I dont know why but part of the reason, I think, is because this feeling feels genuine (i.e. its not like the floods of grief i've had lately after certain memories, which just ran and ran inside me like.someone left the tap running). This feeling, sadness, loneliness, this feels solid; it's me somehow and I know that somehow.

It also somehow gets past some of my usual defenses. Instead of hating myself, like ai usually do when I feel a need, I feel bad for myself, in the right way. I feel like I want to get myself what I need, whatever that means. I never ever treat my feelings that way.

Let me try one more explanation, because I feel incredibly frustrated that my words are not expressing what it is I'm trying to say: on my way in to work this morning (I stepped out right now for coffee to write this) I felt like I was tired of trying to outsmart all this like I usually try to do and I just more or less turned off that one particular train of thought (there are others) that usually controls how I interface with the world. So instead of thinking my way around everything, I guess I'm feeling something instead.

Yeah, maybe thats it. I'm feeling something that feels like its coming from my heart instead of flowing out of my head like so many other changing feelings do. And

(Here's the tough part): I just wanted someone to know. Not looking for a particular response (which also makes me sad because I feel like I am looking for a response but just dont know what to ask for). When I get to this point in the discussion, i.e. right now, it can raise some serious issues of anger and self criticism for me: I accuse myself of wanting pity, I accuse myself of being pathetic, I tell myself that if I just come up with a different way of thinking abiut how I feel, I wouldnt need to ask for (help? Company? Understanding?) (Whatever it is I'm asking for) and I wouldnt have to ezpose mywelf to this potential for being misunderstood, potential for being criticized, potential for being solutioned-to-death, potential for showing others how worthless I am (i.e. that my needs exceed any benefits I offer and so, net/net the equation resukts in a negative number).

If nothing else guys, I feel a shift right now, inside, that tells me I've said something that I really wanted to say. That helps because now I can go back and work a little bit more of my workday. As always, I appreciate the opportunity I have here to share all this. Not going to re-read or edit, because no time.

#453218 - 11/11/13 10:46 AM Re: If I Were Going to be Honest [Re: SayItRight]
Sterling Offline

Registered: 10/25/08
Posts: 630
Loc: Winnipeg, Manitoba,Canada
Good Stuff! Mi like you!


#453243 - 11/11/13 02:14 PM Re: If I Were Going to be Honest [Re: SayItRight]
traveler Offline

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3775
Loc: somewhere in Africa
yes - this IS good. sound like Pinocchio - becoming a real boy. reconnecting with genuine emotions, sorting out the thoughts and the feelings, making some sense of the confusion - all very healthy signs imho.

i just recently realized that i had a right to feel my emotions - that i deserved to feel terrible about the things that were done to me - that it was not a sign of weakness or a character flaw or self-pity or neediness or self-centeredness - but a normal response to a whole series of abnormal situations and events. i now have permission - from a T and from myself to go ahead and experience it all - some of it for the first time - even though it is decades late! one thing i am working on now is trying to get my head and my heart on the same page - to feel what i think and know and believe. sounds like you have a bit of that difficulty too.

and there is nothing wrong with reaching out for human contact and understanding. sometimes the most healing thing we can receive is someone else saying - "i get it - you are not alone - i feel that too."

and - dude! - you express yourself very well with words. i certainly think i am receiving what you are saying - and what i think you are trying to communicate. don't worry about that - unless people start misunderstanding you and getting a totally wrong impression.

keep on doin what you're doin - you are doing it well!

We are often troubled, but not crushed;
sometimes in doubt, but never in despair;
there are many enemies, but we are never without a friend;
and though badly hurt at times, we are not destroyed.
- Paul, II Cor 4:8-9

#453245 - 11/11/13 03:06 PM Re: If I Were Going to be Honest [Re: SayItRight]
don64 Offline

Registered: 10/09/13
Posts: 1056
Loc: St. Croix, USVI
I too have been feeling sadness at times now and relate to it feeling solid and genuine. For me, it seems I have moved through so much terror inside. The reaching out feels so nice to me SIR, because that is what I could not get from my abusers (parents in my case), I HAD to create elaborate thinking defenses and squelch feeling. At lease that is what I have believed. And, dismantling those early beliefs, for me, leaves profound sadness. Sadness for the healthy human touch I've never experienced. Touch where I do not cringe inside. Touch that soothes and calms. Sadness for the validation of an important ME that I have never had. Sadness for connection to an intact ME that is worthy, that feels a right to BE. Your post is a gift SIR--even though it brings up sadness in me. Somehow, for me, this sadness feels very grounding. It dispels chaos. Don
Divine Law is not judgment or denial of self truths. Divine Law is honoring harmony that comes from a peaceful mind, an open heart, a true tongue, a light step, a forgiving nature, and a love of all living creatures. Jamie Sams & David Carson, Medicine Cards

#453359 - 11/12/13 01:50 PM Re: If I Were Going to be Honest [Re: SayItRight]
concerned_husky Offline

Registered: 08/29/12
Posts: 702

I'm glad you posted this.

For starters - I hear you.

I think you touched upon a lot of important issues, most of which resonated with me; the main thing seems to be that you're starting to feel human after being dehumanized for so long. You're starting to feel what you're actually feeling (e.g. sadness [I liked how you distinguish it from depression] and loneliness), and not what you ought to be feeling. You're bypassing intellectualizing in exchange for a more spontaneous, emotional vitality - however painful the emotions are. You're reaching out to others, you're communicating, and you're looking for a connection with another human being. You could even look at it as coming to terms with the painful fact that you have the right to exist.

Given the fact that throughout your childhood you were punished and indeed abused at the slightest hint of asserting yourself, I think you're taking a huge, courageous step here in exposing how you're feeling with us.

Thanks again for the post.

#453419 - 11/12/13 06:44 PM Re: If I Were Going to be Honest [Re: SayItRight]
SayItRight Offline

Registered: 10/06/13
Posts: 89

Your responses have given me a lot of encouragement these past two days and even made me smile.

I need to and want to take a little time to think through my response to each of you but for now I have to say, and can only say, thanks.

I still cannot believe (but definitely feel) that I am in a place where people provide such caring, encouraging, wise, even joyful, and deep/clear-sighted responses to what I think or am going through. I cannot believe it, honestly, but I do definitely feel it.

I find myself in a very pronounced but completely good kind of shock right now.


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